RAW Results and Commentary

Kane def. Matt Striker

Segment Eight
Mid-match between Kane and Matt Striker Mrs. Jabandgrapple says “I don’t know about this Adamle reign so far. It’s pretty gimmicky. Does RAW really need gimmicks?” Gotta agree.

While Kane grabs Matt Striker in a chokeslam he gives the former wrestler a wedgie and we see enough cheekage to increase the rating above TV-PG. Funny stuff. Post-match Kane grabs the mic and says he’s better now after being in a bad place. He spends a few awkward seconds staring at his burlap bag.

I would rather have seen Striker trying to discretely remove his wedgie.

Segment Nine
Prior to the championship tag team match WWE Diva Kelly Kelly comes to talk to Mike Adamle and tells him “Let’s do it” before sitting down on the couch. My brain just turned to mush.

Kelly Kelly. Let’s do it. Kelly Kelly. Let’s do it. Kelly Kelly. Let’s do it. Kelly Kelly. Let’s do it. Kelly Kelly. Let’s do it.

OK. John Cena’s music comes on and I’m back. Cena opens up the match and puts a hurting on DiBiase. He steps away, tags Batista, and lets him do his thing on Cody Rhodes. This bout is a cruel mismatch but Cena and Batista can’t win the title, can they?

Cena looks to have the match won the the FU but Rhodes makes a sneaky tag, DiBiase lands a drop kick to Cena’s back, Rhodes slams him into the steel stairs and the tag team champs grab the momentum and the edge.

Rhodes is draped on Cena’s back and in a sleeper hold. Cena staggers over to the corner but Batista doesn’t reach out for the tag! Cena is pulled to the center of the ring, DiBiase is tagged in and he hits a sleeper hold too. But Cena counters and lands his own sleeper. Triple sleeper madness. DiBiase breaks it and Cena goes to tag Batista.

Cena makes the tag…by slapping Batista in the face! The hear is on. Batista channels his anger onto DiBiase with a vicious Spinebuster and then a Spear. He then finishes Ted Jr. off with a Batista Bomb. Cena and Batista are now Tag Team Champions. I really like this new twist. Cena and Batista look at each other, raise the belts, and share a Santino and Beth Phoenix-type moment.

Image details: Coolio served by picapp.com

Results
Mike Knox def. Tommy Dreamer
Kofi Kingston def. Matt Striker
Colin Delaney def. Armando Estrada
Kane and CM Punk def. Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely

ECW’s 100th show on the SciFi Network was supposed to be a celebration. Instead, this viewer just wished SciFi would have replayed one of their myriad disaster movies. Maybe even Pterodactyl: Evil is in the Air, you know the one wear rapper Coolio empties lots of ammunition into countless prehistoric flying beats. I love that one.

Instead we were blessed with continued keep-rising-to-the-top saga of the scrawny, ultimate underdog Colin Delaney who against all odds defeated ECW GM Armando Estrada and won an ECW contract. Give me a break. After winning the bout, Colin’s faux-thankful and amazed face appeared as genuine as American Idol David Archuleta while listening to the judges. Not at all. Learn how to act Colin and please go get a spray tan.

In between bouts the ECW showed top highlights from the previous 100 episodes including a really long clip of the Boogeyman spitting worms into some poor wrestlers mouth. I immediately thought “Didn’t that happen to Coolio on Fear Factor?” Coolio, SciFi, Pterodactyls.

I snapped out of it long enough to see CM Punk and Kane team up against Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely while John Morrison and The Miz whined about a wide variety of topics alongside the newly stationary Mike Adamle. CM Punk was his usual high-flying, hard-working, entertaining self. Kane did a lot standing around. I’m sure a choke slam happened. But by that point I think I had dozed off.

• WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz & John Morrison def. Jimmy Wang Yang & Shannon Moore (non-title)
• Finlay def. Matt Striker
• Victoria def. Michelle McCool
• Vladimir Kozlov def. Matt Logan
• Matt Hardy def. Chuck Palumbo
• World Heavyweight Champion Undertaker def. Festus (non-title)

The WWE has announced a pre-Wrestlemania 24 man battle royal. The winner of the match, which will air exclusively on WWE.com immediately before the pay-per-view, will then face Chavo Guerrero for the ECW title later in the show.

Here is a complete list of wrestlers participating in the tri-branded match:

Elijah Burke, Lance Cade, Deuce, Domino, Tommy Dreamer, Jim Duggan, Festus, The Great Khali, Mark Henry, Hardcore Holly, Jesse, Kane, Brian Kendrick, Kofi Kingston, The Miz, Shannon Moore, Trevor Murdoch, Jamie Noble, Chuck Palumbo, Cody Rhodes, Snitsky, Matt Striker, Val Venis and Jimmy Wang Yang.