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New (XXXL) ECW Title belt given to Mark Henry and his sidekick Tony Atlas while Colin Delaney explains his Great American Bash actions
Tommy Dreamer def Colin Delaney
Evan Bourne def. James Curtis
Newcomer Ricky Ortiz brings up marketing ideas
Matt Hardy pins to one of the following three to def. Finlay, The Miz, and Morrison in a Fatal Four-Way

Pleasant Narrative:

The standard WWE intro montage of past professional triumphs comes on and I’ve returned for another night of grappling. In the upper left corner reads a TV-PG rating for violence. TV-PG for the Land of the Extreme!?!?!? What’s that all about? I can’t get a TV-14? It seems the toned down atmosphere is a WWE initiative.

The Hollywood daily Variety reported today that the WWE wants all of its shows to be more family friendly and less violent. They want all three shows to have TV-PG ratings. The shows would “focus more on its over-the-top characters and storylines, rather than attention-grabbing stunts that may have been considered too outrageous in the past.”

I guess this isn’t a bad thing. It will make the pay-per-view violence that much more fun. But in the spirit of past times we’re going to wonder what could be done to tame ECW further helping it gain that coveted TV-G or TV-Y.

1) Tony Atlas warns us that this is a “new ECW.” He doesn’t expound. But we know it’s one without the extreme. Perhaps the show could now be called “Easygoing Championship Wrestling.”

2) While Colin Delaney explains that Tommy Dreamer is “the past” and Mark Henry is “the future” the crowd chants “You Suck!” That vulgar language must end. How about mandating a “You’re wrong! You’re wrong!” cheer?

3) Tommy Dreamer is now facing off against the pale dweeb. First of all the stylized yellow fire on Dreamer’s black pants is too scary. How about sky blue pants with white clouds and white puffy sheep on the their side to coincide with his “Dreamer” name?

4) Dreamer seems to be holding back on Delaney. We’d like a more demonstrative beat down but are worried the censors might be bothered by the multiple DDTs and the drop kicks. Maybe he could just ask Colin if he could pin him? We’re sure Colin would accept. Delaney’s poor wrestling is just delaying the inevitable anyway.

5) Evan Bourne’s wrestling technique is perfect for both the new PG rating and our sensibilities. He never looks to actually hit or hurt someone while his high flying antics are super super exciting. His anonymous opponent, however, is a little too violent for our tastes. All wrestlers who punch, pull hair, and do submission-type holds should be banned.

Btw, after the match Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely enter the ring to attack Bourne. Bourne skillfully sneaks out of the ring and runs away untouched. Perfect pacifism!

6) Ricky Ortiz wants to be known as the “Latin Assassin.” Far too violent young Carlito impersonator. How about the “Latin Angel”, the “Latin Amigo”, or the “Latin Assistor?”

7) Tonight’s Main Event is a Fatal Four-Way for a chance to wrestle at SummerSlam for the ECW Title. Could it be renamed the “Friendly Four-Way?”

Morrison goes for a quick pin on his tag team partner but it’s broken up. Miz and Morrison duck out of the ring for a while allowing Finlay and Hardy to beat each other up.

8) OK, I’m not complaining because I really enjoyed this match. It had great action, a spectator’s drink tossed into Finlay’s eyes, lots of cool moves, heated drama between Miz and Morrison, at least two dozen near falls, lots of originality, a shillelagh, and a Matt Hardy win. This was a pay-per-view level match and ECW’s best in a while.

BUT I now understand the WWE’s violence solution: multiple commercials during Main Events. Let the fun stuff happen during that time. This match had two ad segments break up its action. We’re guessing that future ECW episodes will be one long set of WWE DVD promos, and future Sci-Fi Channel movies. Makes sense, right?

Post from: EveryJoe

7/23 ECW Results: A Tamer ECW

Match Number Eight
Triple H vs. Edge

for the WWE Championship

Triple H Wins

A WWE phone poll says 55% have more sympathy for Edge while 45% side with Vickie. We can’t believe that many people are with Vickie. Really surprising. Another Eve Torres moment…

…

…

Where were we? Edge comes out with nearly as much greasy wet hair as his opponent. The greasy hair gap has been closed. Edge to Edge. The bell rings and Edge rushes at him with the intensity of a woman scorned. Triple H easily eschews his impetuousness and starts the assumed beat down.

The entire front row has turned away from the ring and is waving to the cameras. Tells you something about the excitement level of the match, no?

Edge gains control of the match after slamming HHH into the ringside stairs. He pounces on Triple H outside the ring and slams him into an announcer’s booth. Edge has HHH into a body scissors subsmission hold. We’re hoping somebody appears soon to liven to the match up be it Vickie, The Undertaker, or maybe both.

There’s been some good back and forth but little drama. There we go. Edge hits a nice DDT on HHH outside the ring. Nothing amps up the fun like a near double count out. Edge pushes the de-energized HHH into the ring and goes for the pin. 1-2 and not quite 3.

HHH catapults Edge into the turnbuckle and lands a DDT of his own. No pin though. HHH keeps favoring his ribs. Could he be on hiatus for a baby birth as well?

At this point both men are woozy. HHH eludes a rushing spear and then another countering the last with a Double Edge Spine Buster. He can’t finish him with the Pedigree though. Now Edge is going for a debilitating Superplex. Success. But as Mrs. JandG explains, “That move is stupid, it hurts them both equally.”

Alicia Fox a/k/a The Wedding Planner rushes to the ring and grabs the belt. She’s followed by Vickie Guerrero and those two engage in a heated cat fight. Edge looks to break it up and lands a vicious spear on his wife. Edge is in shock and Triple H capitalizes. He lands a Pedigree and pins Edge. Night over about fifteen minutes early. We wonder, did Triple H hurt his ribs and ask for the match to end? Hard to say.

***

Match Number Seven
John Cena vs. JBL

in a NYC Parking Lot Brawl

JBL Wins

OK, so it’s not exactly a parking lot, it’s more like the bowels of the Nassau Coliseum. JBL is armed with a crowbar and wearing a dress shirt and tie. Thank heavens we don’t have to see his boobies. This match is in no way live.

JBL is searching everywhere for Cena who is in the driver’s seat of of Lincoln which hurtles into the Ford JBL is standing on. Product placement. Cena jumps at JBL armed with jumper cables which he attaches to JBL’s privates and connects to the car’s battery. Electric relaxation!

Cena’s next implement of destruction is a beer keg which he smashes into a car window. JBL escapes to the front seat where Cena slams his head into the wheel numerous times.

JBL lands his first successful move when he slams Cena into a car door which promptly breaks off. Mama JandG says “He should body slam him into the limousine’s bull horns.” My mom has some kind of imagination. She continues, “Cindy Rowe (a Harrisburg-area auto glass repair shop) is going to make out with this match!”

JBL’s attempts to pin Cena are unsuccessful so he grabs a crowbar and begins smashing windows. He puts Cena into the back seat of a Ford and grabs a gasoline container from his limo. He pours the fuel onto the Ford, pops open his zippo, and lights the car on fire. WWE employees immediately appear with fire extinguishers.

Cena jumps out of the car refreshed. He puts JBL in another Ford and hops onto a forklift. He’s carrying the car into the ring! This match is finally going to happen with a live audience. The painful silence is over. Thank heavens. The bout was live after all.

This match has been all flash with little reward. Cena looks up to the clock to make sure he can end it. He hits a five knuckle shuffle but before he hits the STFU JBL tosses him into the car’s windshield which immediately shatters. JBL pins the, um, shattered Cena. This bout was a stupid cartoon imitation of a wrestling match and not nearly as interesting as it might read. May they never fight again. Please. Worst match of the night. Mrs. JandG says “Stink-O-Rama.”

Both fighters look visibly hurt, probably just cuts from the windshield glass.

***

Match Number Six
CM Punk vs. Batista

for the World Heavyweight Championship

Double Disqualification because Kane interferes; Punk retains title.

So you’re telling me that the World Heavyweight Championship gets a lower billing than the Cena-JBL non-title match? Or is that match not happening? And why is Punk coming out first? Isn’t he the title holder? No respect at all.

This match is definitely a make or break match for Punk. I don’t think it’s going to happen. Mama JandG concurs, “If that little guy beats Batista then something’s up.”

Papa JandG says “Punk’s going to win this. I’m telling you.” This is a contentious house. So far the match’s action feels awfully forced and pretty unrealistic. Batista lands a powerful suplex and now has Punk in a Camel Clutch. Batista looks like he is enjoying beating Punk up. Mama JandG is also enjoying the match, “That Batista sure is put together!”

The Animal goes for the Batista Bomb but is too close to the ropes. Punk is on the move now and hits Batista with a kick to the side of the head. 1-2 and not quite 3. The Animal kicks out. Punk almost land another fall after splashing Batista from the top rope. Batista then counters and almost takes the Straight Edge One down.

Batista’s next move is a vicious clothesline and things are getting good now. The action is outside the ring. Batista has Punk hurt and pushes him into the ring for the easy pin but Kane interferes, choke slams Punk, and the ref ends the match with a double DQ.

Kane again mutters “Is he alive or is he dead?” before ruthlessly knocking out a cameraman with a swift boot. He leaves the ring area where Heavyweight Champ Punk is still reeling with a bloody mouth. The Animal re-enters the ring and lands a convincing Batista Bomb. Punk can’t keep the title for much longer. He’s proving to be a boy amongst men.

***

Match Number Five
Michelle McCool vs. Natalya

for the SmackDown Divas Championship

Michelle McCool Wins

How do you follow an epic, bloody match between two veteran hall of famers? That’s right. A WWE Divas match. Natalya has McCool in a really cool looking move called a Surfboard. Mrs. JandG remarks, “That Michelle McCool is awfully flexible.” Um, um, what do you say to that?

Natalya puts McCool into a Sharpshooter but McCool is able to get the the ropes. McCool gets Natalya into a Brazilian heel hook and the Anvil’s daughter taps out far too soon. The wrong person won.

After the match Eve Torres enters the ring dressed in a stunning short yellow dress. But before I can ogle any more Chris Jericho disrupts the night’s most perfect moment by announcing that Shawn Michaels has a detached retina and is done. Hasn’t Y2J received an advance copy of Four Kings? Doesn’t he know that Sugar Ray Leonard fought like a dozen fights with that same injury? Evidently not. This feud is not over.

***

Match Number Four
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho Wins

It’s the match we’ve all been waiting for! So soon in the broadcast? Jericho enters the ring with a very intimidating vest. HBK comes in in all orange and a cowboy hat. Has his eye healed? They stare down as if they’re in love for about 15 seconds. It’s on.

Michaels is already grabbing his ribs as if he is hurt. What a faker! HBK quickly puts Y2J into a figure four leg lock. The match is all about the throwback. Jericho hits a great drop kick off the second rope and then grabs his knee. Mama JandG says “These guys are real complainers.” She continues “Can you imagine how sweaty Shawn is in those leather pants?” No we can’t.

This match is already living up to our expectations. Both competitors have landed a series of terrific moves. The momentum is building at a wonderfully steady pace. Y2J hits a Walls of Jericho but it looks like HBK is going to get to the ropes. He does.

Near fall after HBK nails Y2J with a powerful forearm. He’s now traveled to the top rope. Y2J sprints over to the ropes, shaking HBK’s vitals down onto the turnbuckle. Shawn looks to be turning purple. They’re now grappling from the top of the turnbuckle. HBK kicks him off and hits an elbow to Jericho’s heart. Instead of the pin he amps up the crowd.

Lance Cade tries to interfere but HBK easily disposes of him. There are two neat counters from both wrestlers which almost result in pins. Michaels then does a backflip FROM THE TOP ROPE onto Cade and Jericho who are standing outside of the ring. Wowee zowee.

HBK’s eye has been split open and is bleeding profusely! Jericho sees it and goes on the attack. The spewing blood is making for great drama. The ref wants to stop the match but Michaels is too much of a man.

Y2J headbutts the cut and punches the cut. He’s gleefully inflicting injury. The camera zooms in on HBK’s face and we’re straining to find the gash. HBK is in a bad way. He’s hanging on for dear life grabbing onto the front of Jericho’s trunks. The ref puts an end to the action; Michaels’ eye has been through too much.

The medical staff comes in to help Michaels but curiously they do not wipe the blood off his face or tend to the cut. Great match but I wish they would have let it go on.

***

Match Number Three
Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

for the ECW Championship

Mark Henry Wins

Big big surprises so far. Two title changes in two huge upsets. This pay-per-view has had a terrific start…until now. Mark Henry enters the ring with Tony Atlas. Tommy Dreamer follows with Colin Delaney.

Mr. Jabandgrapple’s mom starts laughing hysterically. “That guy is so big. He’s like a brick wall!” Announcer Tazz announces “Mark Henry is a brick wall.” Eerie. So eerie.

Mama JandG continues “This is so hard to watch. Mark Henry looks like he is breaking his arm. Why isn’t Dreamer screaming in pain? Scream, Dreamer, scream!”

The room breaks into audible Nooooo! as Henry looks to flop onto Dreamer. Tommy eludes him at the last second. Tommy Dreamer seems like he is in control on the top rope. He lets out a Tarzan scream and is going to finish Henry off.

But no! Colin Delaney double crosses his mentor, grabs Dreamer’s arm and the ECW original goes flying into the canvas. Henry pins him easily as Delaney walks off with snarly self satisfaction. We didn’t see that twist coming.

***

Match Number Two
Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin

for the United States Championship

Shelton Benjamin Wins

This match was not announced! We are pleasantly delighted. This one is for the technical wrestling fans. These two fought a few weeks ago in an underwhelming SmackDown match. Let’s hope this one is an improvement.

There’s been a lot of holds. Hardy has spent most of the time outside the ring and/or in pain. Benjamin continues the punishment. He’s clearly going to lose.

Shelton has Matt in a submission hold and the crowd is chanting for a Hardy resurrection. I yell at Papa Jabandgrapple to “watch the match and stop doing a crossword puzzle!” Mrs. JandG says “This match is painfully boring, you can’t force it on anyone.”

I say, “But what about Benjamin’s terrific kick out of nowhere that just happened and Hardy’s super body slam and resulting leg drop from the top rope?”

“Not enough, but Gold Standard’s catch of Hardy and toss into the turnbuckle was pretty cool.”

Hardy’s had two 2 7/8 near falls and the match is picking up. Hardy goes for a moonsaw and Benjamin catches him in the face with his knees. The Gold Standard then hits a Paydirt and Hardy is out. 1-2-3 pin. New United States Champion.

***

Match Number One
Miz and Morrison vs. Finlay and Hornswaggle vs. Jesse and Festus vs. Ryder and Hawkins

in a WWE Tag Team Championship Fatal Four Way

Ryder and Hawkins Win

This opening match surprises me. I thought Mark Henry would be starting this one off. The bell rings, Festus goes crazy and everyone clears the ring…except Hornswaggle. The little leprechaun flies out of the ring and now The Miz is facing the Of Mice and Men lead character.

Hawkins and Ryder have just made their first entry in the ring on an unintentional tag for Morrison. The fun has just nosedived as the Edgeheads pound and hold.

There are far too many tags for me to keep up with by the way. Morrison does an attractive leap over the top rope to fell Finlay. Miz and Morrison have become a terrific tag team and really deserve this win. Finlay almost pins Ryder but Miz and Morrison break the fall. Ryder then almost pins Finlay but Hornswaggle breaks it up. Will there be a pin tonight?

Indeed there is. Miz and Morrison enter the ring too quickly to break up a Festus pin of Hawkins. Hawkins then pulls Jesse into the ring, pins him, and gains the WWE Tag Team Title. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is disgusted. She says, “I hate when mediocrity is rewarded!” We have to agree.

***

Not even a Pennsylvania summer thunder storm can stop me. www.jabandgrapple.com’s internet coverage was out until 7:56 p.m. but it’s on now! The Great American Bash live blog is about to begin.

Post from: EveryJoe

Great American Bash 2008 Live Blog

Mark Henry and Tony Atlas bend frying pans
Mike Knox def. Shannon Moore
Evan Bourne def. Chavo Guerrero
The Hardy Boyz def. Miz and Morrison

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Who is excited about tonight’s Hardy Boyz versus The Miz and Morrison? Both Mr. and Mrs. JabandGrapple.com. Mr. JandG is excited to see the high flying death defying world’s greatest super tag team of all time in their maybe last match EVVVVEEERRRRR. Mrs. JandG says “whooo hoooo. this is a match for the ladies. 3 1/2 hot guys fighting. Why can’t they do this every week?”

I’d like to argue. But I can’t. So until 10:45 p.m. lets hope ECW isn’t too painful.

Looks like my hopes have been denied. Mark Henry and Tony Atlas are doing their best Uri Geller impression by attempting to bend frying pans. I wish I had some more Drank!

Guess what? Mark Henry just bent a frying pan with his bare hands. It took like ten minutes. In the same time span Henry sweat enough to fill thirteen reservoirs. This is your fault Michael Hayes!!! Why did you have to insult the supposed world’s strongest man?

Tommy Dreamer just sauntered out to the center square to bend a frying pan of his own. Mrs. JandG offers “Look at his horrible fake leather pants. Do you think he’s going to catch the wolf?”

(Anybody who comments with an explanation of Mrs. JandG’s joke gets a bottle of Drank mailed to them. No questions asked.)

Dreamer hits Henry over the head with the pan thus bending it. We’ve all just wasted twenty minutes of our lives. We could have hit the F5 button approximately 1,000 times in the same time period looking for Friday’s SmackDown spoilers. In fact, we already have.

Out of nowhere Mike Adamle announces “Bow wow wow yipee yo yipee yah Shannon Moore is definitely in the house.” Too bad he’s half the size of his opponent Mike Knox who pins Moore in double time and with very little effort. Has the wedding been broken up yet? Let’s hit F5 and check the spoilers (which won’t appear here. Sorry!)

Now this is what we’re talking about. Chavo Guerrero vs. Evan Bourne. According to a recent WWE poll which asked “Who is your favorite new ECW star?” Evan Bourne garnered about 75% of the vote. He certainly received our vote. We love the jump-jump-jumping superstar.

Last week he beat Nunzio by jumping like fifty feet off the top rope. Michael Jordan eat your heart out. Tonight he defies gravity with a Shooting Star Press back flip that stuns the La Familia member. One-two-three pin. Mrs. JandG promises a part four to her epic WWE hotties column. She assures us all that Bourne will appear on that list.

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Is it 10:45 p.m. yet? Not quite. It’s 10:43 and we’re running through countless Great American Bash promos. Finally Morrison and The Miz come out. They’re tag team champs, shouldn’t they come out last out of respect? Not when the Hardy Boyz are involved. Out of nowhere Mrs. JandG announces “I love you Jeff Hardy!!!” I counter with “Who would you root for if they had to fight each other this Friday on SmackDown?” She says “That’s impossible, that would never happen.” I agree but wonder, “Do you want to place a bet? If it did happen it would surely involve wedding cake.” Mrs. JandG responds, “Shut up crazy man.” And I do. F5. F5. F5.

“WHOOO HOOOO look at Morrison’s butt!” Mrs. JandG announces to nobody, “He can sway in front of that rope for decades as far as I’m concerned.”

“But what about the match,” I retort. This is more excitement than ECW’s had in months! Double suplexes, super spears, clotheslines and the Mighty Miz. Matt finally tags his brother Jeff in and the action picks up. But then it dies down.

Until Jeff Hardy hits a Swanton Bomb onto The Miz’s face. The other team members are tagged in and chaos ensues. Jeff hits another Swanton Bomb on Morrison and his brother Matt pins the Shaman of Sexy. We so wish tag team action was more stressed. The Hardy Boyz are terrific and belong together. Somehow we are the only ones who enjoy their skills.

Au revoir tonight. Don’t forget to comment with your thoughts below.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/15 ECW: Hardy Boyz and Bending Frying Pans

Finlay and Hornswaggle def. The Miz and Morrison
Triple H def. Chavo Guerrero
Natalya and Maryse def. Michelle McCool and Cherry

Image details: Flavio Briatore And Elisabetta Gregoraci Wedding Ceremony served by picapp.com

Segment Six:
Will Finlay and Hornswaggle ever stop fighting The Miz and Morrison? Aren’t all four now in ECW? Mick and JR discuss Hornswaggle drinking a Guinness and I’m thinking about ending this live blog early and heading down to my local Irish Bar establishment.

Finlay lands a terrific Celtic Cross on Morrison but The Miz breaks it up. While the ref is tsk-tsking Morrison and telling him to leave the ring Finlay hits The Miz with the shillelagh knocking him out cold. Hornswaggle tags in and flops off the top rope and onto the Real World rebel pinning him one-two-three. Does this mean we’re going to have to see these four fight yet again? We’re afraid so.

***

Hold up. A local commercial for the July 29 ECW/SmackDown event in Hershey, PA says the Main Event is Triple H vs. Edge for the WWE Championship. We…are…so…there.

***
Segment Seven:
Bam Neely stares down HHH and looks like a much more impressive opponent than Chavo. In due time. In due time. Notably, Charles Robinson is back in the ring reffing the match. Apparently his Great Khali-induced head trauma wasn’t so bad after all.

Chavo is doing his best but this match is a heavyweight versus a cruiserweight. HHH hits a Spine Buster, punches Bam Neely, and follows with a Pedigree. Chavo is done. Vickie is some kind of kin. The crowd seems to love The Game. What are we missing? Speaking of cruiserweights, it’s now 9:00 p.m. and we’re about to begin the difficult dance of flipping between boxing and pro wrestling. A personal favorite, Tomasz Adamek, is fighting tonight and we have double duty.

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Segment Eight:
Michelle McCool is so pretty, Cherry not so much. Neither are a match for third generation wrestler Natalya who makes Cherry tapout with a neat sharpshooter and after the match destroys Michelle with a quick snap suplex. During the match Natalya’s partner Maryse just sort of stood around. Let it be known Maryse standing around is fine with me. Jeez Louise she’s something else.

Natalya is a good wrestler and we’d love to see her fight Beth Phoenix. If she doesn’t win the SmackDown women’s title at The Great American Bash then justice hasn’t been served.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/11 WWE SmackDown Part Two: Still No Wedding News

Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswaggle def. The Miz, Morrison, and Chavo Guerrero
Atlas Ortiz def. Armando Estrada
Mark Henry vs. Colin Delaney

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As we all know, ECW got the serious short end of the WWE Draft stick. Here’s a summary:

Wrestlers (of note) Lost: CM Punk (now WWE Heavyweight Champ); Kane; Kofi Kingston (now Intercontinental Champ); Shelton Benjamin.

Wrestlers Gained: Matt Hardy; Mark Henry; Finlay; Hornswaggle; Super Crazy.

What that means is that I’ve lost four of the seven reasons I watched ECW. The other three being The Miz, Morrison, and Evan Bourne. I’ve gained 1 1/2 reasons to tune in on Tuesday nights (Finlay and Hornswaggle). That leaves me with 4 1/2 reasons to watch which I’m pretty sure is less than seven.

In short, I’m giving this week a shot. ECW has to earn its way onto my Tuesday night schedule.

**

Segment One:
Mark Henry says he’s ECW’s savior. I wonder why I’m watching a show where Henry could be deemed a positive addition. He announces a Mark Henry vs. Colin Delaney (!?!?!?) Main Event. I’m confident Tuesday’s will be all mine once again.
Segment Grade: F.

**

Segment Two:
Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswaggle vs. The Miz, Morrison, and Chavo Guerrero
The only good ECW roster members are ALL in the match (save Evan Bourne) and we predictably get a really good match. Great back and forth action, good wrestling, and good drama.

Segment Grade: B+. Does ECW have a chance? Then again, all six of these guys drifted from brand to brand before the draft so I’m guessing I won’t have to watch ECW to see them again.

**

Segment Three:
To make up for the talent drain ECW is introducing new wrestlers. Teddy Long calls it the “Superstar Initiative.” The first is Atlas Ortiz a/k/a Atlas DaBone a/k/a Rich Young formerly of Florida Championship Wrestling. Atlas is an ex-professional footballer who spent some time on the Kansas City Chiefs practice squad, in the CFL, and in the Arena League. He’s facing Armando Estrada and we’re ready to give him a chance.

But not for long. He’s pretty lifeless in the ring. He’s quick but sluggish and not exciting at all. He’s Interesting looking but utterly uninteresting as a wrestler. Of course he beats Estrada which disappoints us. At least Armando has a personality.

Segment Grade: F.

**

Segment Four:
Mark Henry beats super-dweeb Colin Delaney but the match lasts longer than expected. At one point Henry throws Delaney upwards and its a wonder Colin doesn’t hit his head on the Jumbotron. Wilford Brimley’s Liberty Medical commercial about “keeping your diabetes in check” is only slightly less exciting than that bout.

Segment Grade: D. Looks like I’m finally free from ECW and Mark Henry’s ugly mug. Thank heavens.

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Post from: EveryJoe

7/01 ECW: Give Me A Reason To Love You

Opening Segment
Vicki Guerrero gets booed a lot. When Batista signs a contract to fight Edge at Night of Champions (if he beats the Great Kali) she adds a clause saying if he doesn’t beat the Indian then he will be banished from the WWE.
Comment: Yawn. I like the major heel hate Vickie receives but the “win or your banished” route is getting pretty tired.

Morrison def. Finlay
Comment: I really enjoy Finlay’s brawling but I last week thought his and Hornswaggle’s feud with Miz and Morrison was a little silly. Finlay brings the best out of everyone and Mick Foley’s insults of The Miz are terrific. This match was surprisingly entertaining and the best bout in a horrifically bad night of SmackDown. If Vince McMahon is wondering why ratings are falling he only needs to re-watch this night’s putrid display.

Mark Henry def. Tommy Dreamer
Comment: Mark Henry is the last person I want to see sweaty, glistening, and wearing a skin tight outfit. He’s such a ridiculously boring wrestler and an unconvincing bad guy.

Cherry def. Maryse
Comment: Why can’t this feud just end?

MVP def. CM Punk
Comment: I know CM Punk is straight edge but he always looks so old, weathered, and in need of sleep. Which is why I catch a few zzzzs during this match. I wake up to yet another headlock and fall back asleep. Wake up. Arm bar. More sleep. Wake up. Commercial. I’m happy because I assume the match is over. It isn’t. The match mercifully ends when the ref catches Punk holding the Money in the Bank briefcase and wrongly assumes Punk used it to knock out MVP. Horrible horrible match.

Matt Hardy def. Chuck Palumbo
Comment: Chavo Guerrero announces he’s fighting Hardy for the U.S. Championship and that Chuck Palumbo is customizing a motorcycle for him. Hardy easily defeats the under- utilized Palumbo.

Jesse and Festus def. Deuce and Domino
Comment: Deuce hits Jesse with a poorly placed boot and open up a nasty cut on the little guy’s forehead showing just how violent these moves can be if they’re missed by the smallest of margins. I don’t understand why Jesse doesn’t let Festus open the matches since the same Jesse-is-beat-up-horribly-until-he-can-tag-Festus plot occurs in every one of the fights. He gets the tag and Festus predictably goes wild and quickly pins Domino. Deuce and Domino brawl after the match and it seems like these two might be breaking up. Not like I care either way.

Batista def. Great Khali
Comment: It’s hard to expect much when only one of the two participants can actually move. Edge and a wheelchaired Vickie Guerrero watch the bout from the entrance area. We feel bad that they have to witness Khali’s trademark boring mix of leg drops, elbow slams, and head butts. Khali hits an impressive Khali Bomb and Batista promptly sues the Punjabi giant for copyright infringement. Actually, the Animal spears the huge Indian and pins him thus saving his career and ending a miserably bad SmackDown.

Post from: EveryJoe

SmackDown 6/13 Results

RESULTS
Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne def. Mike Knox and Shelton Benjamin
Veronica def. Kelly Kelly
Finlay def. Armando Estrada
Colin Delaney def. Armando Estrada
Hornswaggle def. Armando Estrada
The Miz and Morrison def. Kane and CM Punk

Vince McMahon’s announcement of the June 23 WWE Draft has taken a bit of anticipation from tonight’s ECW matches. The bookend tag team matches were fun but their feuds will surely not be maintained when a few of these stars will be drafted into other WWE brands.

For example, it’s hard for me to put any attention to the Kofi Kingston – Shelton Benjamin rivalry because both deserve and appear to be moving upward and out of the ECW. Still, they’re very good in the ring together and I thought the toss flip Benjamin landed on his feet was impressive. Wish they had had more time to face off against each other.

Kofi seems suited to fill SmackDown’s high-flying void – at least until Rey Mysterio reappears – and his goofy Jamaican stereotype angle would fit on the Friday night show. That being said I thought the opening ECW tag team match was terrific.

I really like the in-ring aerials of Evan Bourne (who last week was Matt Sydal). If he’s given a chance he could pump a lot of excitement and action into the ECW and might even get himself a tag team title belt. Below is a youtube video of their match. If you didn’t see it, judge for yourself.

Regarding the other matches, I don’t ever mind seeing WWE Diva Kelly Kelly but I’ve already tired of the Armando Estrada saga which has descended into pure comic relief. Pinned by Hornswaggle! C’mon.

The main event tag team title match was watchable but Kane’s pre-match showdown with Big Show sapped the match’s momentum and relegated it to a sideshow to the future Night of Champions event.

Post from: EveryJoe

ECW June 11: Waiting for the WWE Draft

HOUR ONE RESULTS
Cousin Sal def. Santino Marella
Natalya wins the 7-woman Golden Dreams Match
Vladimir Kozlov def. Jimmy Wang Yang
Batista, Nunzio, Funaki, and Colin Delaney def. Edge, Zack Ryder, Chavo Guerrero, and Curt Hawkins

MATCH #3
Cousin Sal enters the ring dressed in a kilt accompanied by Roddy Piper and Jimmy Kimmel. When Cousin Sal reveals his “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” singlet Mick Foley says this match could set SmackDown back a decade. We hate cross promotion. That said, if anyone wants me to promote anything on www.jabandgrapple.com I will shill ceaselessly.

It’s really a shame that Marella has become what Jim Cornette labeled him as: a comedy JOB. I like Santino’s act and this Cousin Sal match was an unfunny disgrace.

What is funny is the next between match segment where The Miz and Morrison are picking on Hornswaggle. Finlay gallantly intervenes while the wee leprechaun shoots the Tag Team champs with a super soaker. After the water-spraying fun we learn that Chavo Guerrero will be Edge’s best man.

MATCH #4
This bout, dubbed the Golden Dreams Match, pitts seven WWE divas in a race to grab the golden star which is perched about seven feet above a corner ring post. The winner will earn a spot in a the match for the new SmackDown Divas championship. This match is pure catfight fun but sadly lasts for a shorter span than the Divas’ entrance times. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart’s daughter Natalya grabs the star on looks to be on the fast route to women’s wrestling stardom.

MATCH #5
Continuing the night’s two-minutes-or-less match theme Vladimir Kozlov brutalizes the much smaller Jimmy Wang Yang. Please put him against somebody good. Please!

MATCH #6
Tonight’s main event is the entire La Familia versus Batista and Vickie Guerrero’s choice of partners. Those unfortunate three turn out to be the very petite triad of Nunzio, Funaki, and Colin Delaney. Together those three might weigh as much as Batista’s partner at last week’s SmackDown: Big Show. Will Batista make a tag in this match? It’s doubtful. If Batista loses this match then he won’t get a title opportunity against Edge.

But Batista does tag and we’re provided with the night’s first bit of excitement when the Animal tosses Delaney into Chavo Guerrero. Delaney is now getting bullied by La Familia. I think he might even be crying. Could Cousin Sal defeat Colin Delaney? Probably. Now it’s Funaki’s turn for a beatdown. La Familia obliges. This match is cruel. Not just to the tiny wrestlers but also to the viewer.

The camera keeps panning over to Batista and I keep wondering how his skin is so taut and are his squiggly veins actually ringworms? Funaki makes the tag and Batista is going wild. We get about 25 seconds of terrific action and hard fighting from Batista and the tiny three as they fend off the Edgeheads long enough for the Animal to Batista Bomb Zack Ryder, earn the pin, and a probable title shot.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE SmackDown 6/7 Hour Two: Batista and the Three Dwarfs