The news tore (like his pectoral) through the wrestling world: “Poor John Cena has suffered another sidelining injury, a herniate disk in his neck, and will need surgery.”

The WWE ran a ticker during it’s ECW alerting fans to this heinous turn of events. In somber voice on RAW GM Mike Adamle told fans that Batista monstrous Batista Bombas at Summer Slam caused the injury. (Adamle’s conclusion was, of course, untrue but it does prop up the Animal’s abilities.)

The wrestling rags even reported that the news spread to the pages of the Wall Street Journal although searches of the wsj.com website brought nothing.

Cena’s surgery should keep him out for the remainder of the year and perhaps shows that he came back too early from his pectoral injury. That setback was caused by the injury-prone WWE Superstar Mr. Kennedy who had his own shoulder dislocated just a few weeks ago against Shelton Benjamin.

Kennedy also recently had surgery and will miss months of action. Maybe Cena will throw him a bone and a part in his next movie. They need something to do over the course of the next few weeks!

Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/11/08

Monday night’s RAW and Tuesday’s ECW didn’t exactly bring us a lot of action while Friday night’s SmackDown was preempted in Mr. Jabandgrapple’s hometown by an Eagles vs. Steelers pre-season match-up. And while my DVR wasn’t intuitive enough to tape the delayed broadcast I was able to get a hold of the matches.

1. Batista (LW: 3)
The Animal channeled his ample anger and pinned Ted DiBiase, Jr. to become a half of an unlikely WWE Tag Team Champion pairing.

2. John Cena (LW: 2)
The other half of the new belt holders. We can’t wait for the newly allied SummerSlam matchup.

3. Edge (LW: 1)
At some point he’s going to have to wrestler, right? Still, flipping Vickie Guerrero out of her wheelchair is something we’ve wanted to see forever. And the Rated-R Superstar definitely seems to have his mojo back.

4. Triple H (LW: 4)
Good mic work and some clever insults towards the Great Khali and his manager “Funyon”. HHH had the arm wrestling match won and Khali resorted to some dastardly tactics.

5. Kofi Kingston (LW: 6)
The high flying superstar just keeps getting better. We really enjoyed his dismantling of Paul Birchill. Let’s hope that feud is over. It’s gotten way too one-sided.

6. The Great Khali (LW: 8)
As much as it pains me to move Khali to #6 he did put a hurting on HHH and that doesn’t happen often. We always feel a little bad for him after hearing the rumor that he doesn’t have much time left in the WWE because of his degenerating knees.

7. Y2J (LW: 4)
Chris Jericho gets a lot less interesting without Shawn Michaels as a foil. How could I place him above JBL who actually made the pin in the JBL-Y2J handicap match against CM Punk? Because Y2J did all the damage on Punk and because I hate JBL. Simple as that.

8. Vladimir Kozlov (LW: NR)
So it’s not just us who wants Kozlov to face better competition. Vladimir is sick of beating up jobbers too. Last week he got Jesse and Festus who are a serviceable duo. Kozlov got the job done and makes his first appearance in the JandG rankings.

9. Jeff Hardy (LW: NR)
The rainbow-haired warrior is also making his first JandG ranking appearance. And not a moment too soon. He’s been beating up on the competition only to be foiled by MVP’s interference. It’s time to hurt MVP at SummerSlam and we can’t wait for that eventuality.

10. The Undertaker (LW: NR)
Black roses, splayed out La Familia members, fear everywhere. He’s baaa-aackkkk!

Dropped Out: Mr Kennedy (get well soon!), Matt Hardy, and CM Punk

Jabandgrapple.com’s Top 10 WWE wrestlers for the week ending 8/03/08

How did I have ‘em last week? Check this link.

We got big shakeups in the jabandgrapple Top 10 this week. Why is that? Well, three of last week’s Top 10 didn’t wrestle this week. And one of ‘em fought Colin Delaney. Doesn’t count.

Also, I can’t reward people for not appearing at shows especially when Mr. Jabandgrapple has tickets to said show. Therefore HHH tumbles. I don’t care if his wife birthed a baby. I really don’t. The Harrisburg area has great hospitals. Bring her on the road. (I’m kidding…I think)

1. Edge (LW: 5)
Pinned Jeff Hardy (tough week for him) on Saturday Night’s Main Event, sent Mick Foley off SmackDown on a stretcher, and looks to still be getting it done with Alicia Fox. Good week all around for the Rated R Superstar.

2. John Cena (LW: 6)
When paired with Batista on RAW it was Cena who got the pin earning him a spot ahead of the Animal making him this week’s biggest riser.

3. Batista (LW: 3)
Holding steady. Can’t wait for his singles match against Cena on SummerSlam.

4. Y2J (LW: 2)
Loved the final edition of The Highlight Reel. Hope its end means more appearance in the ring.

5. HHH (LW: 1)
Congrats on the baby girl. Can’t wait to see you wrestle again even if it’s against The Great Khali.

6. Kofi Kingston (LW: NR)
Kofi looked really good and dominant against Jamie Noble just as all belt holders should be.

7. CM Punk (LW: 4)
Just when I started to warm to Punk he was steamrolled by former exile William Regal. Regal bloodied his lip and inflicted a great deal of punishment before Punk gained the pin. It was not the sort of performance expected from a champion. Can you imagine Regal bloodying HHH’s lip?

8. Great Khali (LW: 10)
Khali beat the tar(heel) out of Jeff Hardy on SmackDown and might have been the week’s most impressive wrestler.

9. Matt Hardy (LW: 7)
Obligatory ECW entry. And he wrestled this week unlike serial steel bender Mark Henry.

10. Mr. Kennedy (LW: NR)
Great win against the bronchitis-impaired Shelton Benjamin in what might not be the last of the Clairol Matches.

Dropped Out: Kane, The Undertaker

WWE SmackDown Results and Commentary

MVP def. Jimmy Wang Yang
Mr. Kennedy def. Shelton Benjamin

Yes, it wasn’t just Tuesday night’s ECW event that we attended. The good people from the WWE also filmed SmackDown three nights ago in Hershey, Pennsylania. And we were there. Here are more of Mr. and Mrs. Jabandgrapple’s live and in real time musings.

1. Jimmy Wang Yang’s entrance music comes on before the show has even started. What is going on? Is he going to wrestle Mick Foley or Jim Ross?

2. SmackDown starts are Jeff Hardy appears. The Ultimate Risk Taker is even more dynamic in person. We love you Jeff Hardy His theme music comes on and we everybody in the Giant Center goes craaaaaaazy. Is he wrestling Wang Yang?

3. The WWE tech people work frantically to assemble MVP’s entrance tunnel, which isn’t that impressive anyway. Is he wrestling Wang Yang AND Jeff Hardy?

4. MVP keeps insulting Jeff Hardy and at this point Mrs. JandG throws some vulgar expletives down towards ringside. After watching the broadcast we’re thankful the WWE’s mics didn’t pick up those choice words.

5. It’s finally evident that MVP is the one fighting Wang Yang. He makes short work of him and we’re waiting for the fireworks between him and Hardy. Let it also be known that the indoor fireworks that accompany your favorite wrestler are FAR louder than they appear in person. Our hearing is still recovering.

6. The biggest cheer of the night comes when Jeff tells MVP to NEVER EVER EVER talk about the fire, about his home, or about his dog Jack. Jeff then hits a choice Twist of Fate and announces YOU MAKE ME SICK! We jump up out of our seats and yell at the top of our lungs, “YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHH” We both actually just repeated that yell right now!

7. Mr. Kennedy says we’re waiting for him to say three words. We wonder what the third word is. Is it Mister Mister Kennedy? or Mister Kennedy Kennedy?

8. Mick Foley admits on air that he listened to Tori Amos to get hyped up for matches. Let’s just say that suspect choice of songs explains a lot about what happens at the end of tonight’s SmackDown…

9. While we watched the Mr. Kennedy vs. Shelton Benjamin match I said “This is the type of technical, highly skilled grappling that true wrestling fans love. So pay attention. It will be a lot more exciting on TV.” (And I was right!) Still, the Mrs. yawned wondering “Well then, why don’t these two don’t involve the crowd more?” I gotta agree.

10. Mrs. JandG labels this contest “The Clairol Match” because both competitors ridiculous sport a amount of hair dye. Shelton’s roots are far less visible making him the pejorative favorite.

11. Benjamin hits a great cross body leap of the top rope but it’s not enough. Mr. Kennedy lands a Mic Check with puts the United States champion out for the count. Sadly, it’s a non-title match and his victory in the best match of the night means nothing.

12. Post match, the astoundingly beautiful Eve Torres approaches the ring. At the quietest moment of the night I yell “I LOVE YOU EVE TORRES” at my lungs’ peak. It doesn’t make it onto air.

13. We’re really impressed by how dexterous and fast Eve moves back to the dressing room in her ridiculously high heels. (5 inches?) BTW, her quickness had nothing to do with my professed love. Just saying.

WWE SmackDown Live Blog, Part Two

Vladimir Kozlov def. Stevie Richards
The Great Khali wins a Battle Royale against Mr. Kennedy, M.V.P., Umaga, Jeff Hardy, and Big Show

Segment Four
Edge is trying to keep things going with Alicia Fox a/k/a the Wedding Planner. But Chavo Guerrero’s bodyguard Bam Neely is lurking in the corridor listening to their conversation. He’s not going to snitch on another man, is he? No self-respecting man would ever do that but Neely does. So sad.

Stevie Richards comes out to be the next Vladimir Kozlov’s latest cannon fodder. When will Kozlov fight someone good? When will he ever get a pay-per-view gig? How many times must we watch him destroy his opponent. To be fair, Richards actually looks good until Kozlov hits a head butt to the sternum and knocks out the poor Philadelphia native. WWE bookers, please give Kozlov a feud. His domination has gone on long enough.

Segment Five
The Main Event has come early. It’s a Battle Royale with the winner to face HHH at SummerSlam. The competitors: Mr. Kennedy, the Great Khali, Umaga, Jeff Hardy, M.V.P., and Big Show. Regardless of the winner we are going to see someone new against HHH at SummerSlam. That’s a very good thing.

I want to see Mr. Kennedy win but I don’t see him emerging from a Battle Royale. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is pulling for Jeff Hardy…duh. But we both find it hard to see how Big Show could lose a Battle Royale.

Hardy’s early focus is, understandably, on M.V.P. He knocks the Anti-Dog Whisperer out of the ring with a terrific clothesline. Good riddance M.V.P. Umaga tosses Hardy out but Jeff somehow is able to grab the top rope and stay inside. Umaga doesn’t notice as he moves onto Big Show. The World’s Biggest Athlete then flips the Samoan Bulldozer out of the ring. He follows it up with a successful dismissal of Mr. Kennedy. My pick is gone. So sad.

Now there are three left: Show, Khali, and Hardy. Hardy next move is a jump off the top rope onto Big Show. Show catches him and the high flying superstar looks to be in trouble. But against all odds he finds a way to flip Show out. He continues to capitalize on his momentum and hits a Swanton Bomb on Khali.

But it’s not to be. Khali flips Hardy over the top rope and SummerSlam just got a lot less interesting.

After the match HHH enters the stage and stares down his future opponent. They stare and stare and stare and stare and stare. Considering Khali can’t actually move we think that’s an apt preview for SummerSlam. Yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn.

WWE SmackDown Live Blog, Part One

Edge and Vickie Guerrero engage in some break-up arguments
Shelton Benjamin def. Matt Hardy
Mr. Kennedy def. Domino
Chavo Guerrero and Edge have a man to man conversation
Chavo and Vickie discuss Edge

Image details: Bride and Groom Having Disagreement served by picapp.com

Segment One:
Edge is tortured. The wedding is off. Edge gives orders, he doesn’t take orders. The wedding is off. Edge is his own man. Now he’s happy. Vickie Guerrero is not good enough for him. Mrs. Jabandgrapple says “word”. The wedding is off. The Baton Rouge crowd still thinks he sucks.

Here comes Vickie wheeled in by Ryder and Hawkins. The crowd thinks she sucks more than Edge. Which is saying a lot. She’s putting the verbal smackdown, as it were, on Edge. She’s forcing Edge to fight the Big Show tonight in a non-disqualification match. So much for standing by your man. The wedding is still off.

Edge counters with “At the end of the night The Big Show is going to be just like you Vickie…a loser!” She cuts his mike. We’re excited for the Main Event and enjoy the squabbling pair who obviously still love each other.

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WWE Draft 2008

These last two picks and the final match are going to have to be pretty darn great to get me into a good mood. Lucky for me, they are.

Match/Draft Pick #9 and #10
The last match is a 15-man Royal Rumble with 5 representatives from each brand. RAW looks pretty stacked but since pre-match RAW had 4 wrestler picks, SmackDown 2, and ECW 1 it’s clear that a SmackDown fighter is going to prevail.

The competitors have matching T-shirts which Mrs. Jabandgrapple thinks are darling. It’s a pretty good Royal Rumble highlighted by a vicious clash of heads between Batista and Edge. Batista’s head is gashed open and he oozes blood. The Animal is dazed for about five minutes before Big Show mercifully lifts him over the top rope. Batista clearly has a concussion. Let’s hope he can fight on Sunday.

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WWE RAW Results 6/16/08

Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes def. Cryme Tyme
This match lasts 12 seconds. I am not kidding. It takes Vince McMahon longer to dial the next Million Dollar winner’s number. She can’t stop telling Vince how wonderful is, how much she loves him, and how she thinks he’s the most handsome person in the world.

Image details: China Celebrates Valentine’s Day served by picapp.com

Paul Birchill and Katie Lea def. Mr. Kennedy and Mickie James
I enjoy all four of these wrestlers but am distracted and disturbed by the crawl reminding us to buy Ted DiBiase’s book, the WWE Kids magazine, WWE Diva ringtones, The Rock’s DVD (I do want that) and to register for next week’s Million Dollar Madness. This lottery farce is continuing next week! Maybe this week’s ratings will be down again and that will end it.

I like Katie Lea as a wrestler despite her tall awkwardness and her second pin in as many weeks of the WWE Women’s champ must mean something. She’s a convincingly vile heel, her myspace tag is dawgkilla, and I think her rivalry with James might have more legs than her “brother’s” saga with Mr. Kennedy. Kennedy has bigger and better things in his future.

Triple H def. Chris Jericho by DQ
Before tonight’s Main Event Frank from New Jersey wins $300K and tells Vince that he loves him. He had to have been prepped.

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WWE Monday Night RAW Results and Highlights

RESULTS
Mr. Kennedy def. Paul Birchill
Mickie James def. Beth Phoenix in a non-title match.
John Cena def. John “Bradshaw: Layfield
Chris Jericho smashes Shawn Michaels’ face into a TV in a Highlight Reel segment
Umaga and Snitsky def. Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes in a non-title match
Cryme Tyme def. Santino Marella and Carlito
Jeff Hardy def. Triple H by count out in a non-title match

COMMENTARY
Was tonight really “all about the money” or were there some good wrestling matches? Before RAW started we had hoped that Vince McMahon would pull out all the stops for this episode. We thought that we’d get near pay-per-view caliber matches and great between-match drama since the stated intention of this Million Dollar Mania show was to bring in new RAW viewers. Were we right?

Once Vince announced the password, WWE Universe, and that he was giving out $200,000 RAW got right into a moderately interesting feud: Mr. Kennedy vs. Paul Birchill. The action was good and the Katie Lea-slapping-Kennedy was cool but I couldn’t get into it as much as we wanted. We were still distracted by whether or not Vince would call.

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Don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoyed last night’s RAW. However, this month’s community blog post here at b5 media is “The Worst” so I’ll be scouring each match and segment on RAW to determine what was “The Worst”. I’ll also balance it with “The Best”.

Segment winners in italics. At the end of the article we’ll crown our definitive Worst and Best of the June 2 WWE Monday Night RAW.

SEGMENT #1
Triple H, John Cena, Jeff Hardy and Vince McMahon discuss who will face HHH at the Night of Champions.

The Worst Nominees: HHH’s theme music (always bad); HHH making fun of Randy Orton’s broken collarbone; Vince McMahon’s kooky and confusing memory loss gimmick.
The Best Nominees: John Cena’s great stage presence (bringing up Nostradamus, Dr. Emmett Brown, Miss Cleo, and John Edward); Jeff Hardy’s inclusion in the title shot contenders; The Jeff Hardy replica armbands that so many audience members are wearing.

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