ESPN held the EPSYs last night in Los Angeles with Justin Timberlake as the host. Today – ESPN listed all of the award winners on their site. The only problem? The ESPYs won’t air until Sunday night. So it takes away from the mystery of which athlete will win.
I’m not a fan of taping award shows, however live television rarely happens anymore – thanks to ESPY host J.T. and Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. It’s not the only reason, though. I remember an MTV award show where a Rage Against the Machine band member staged …read more

by Alejandro de los Rios

First impressions are hard. Usually forced, awkward, with all parties just wishing they could somehow just skip getting to know each other and just know each other. You know? Some first impressions are perfect, most are awkward, while some are just completely disasterous. With that in mind, what better way to start our relationship than by discussing the geopolitical turbulence caused by China’s human rights violations and continuing persecution of Tibet?
While it might be more convenient to believe that sports and politics don’t mix, it’s been proven time and again that this isn’t the case. Regardless, …read more

 
2008 has almost started, and I’ve pretty much given up on my resolutions already, so I’m going to get a head start on breaking my resolutions for the year after that. Without further time-altering ado, my 2009 New Year’s resolutions.- Stop kicking to Devin Hester, but stick to it this year.- Trade Kobe back- Finish the Mitchell Report- Rewind, then return those tapes to Bill Belichick- Have an ESPN featured comment- Build more support for my Todd Collins for MVP movement- Gain 20 pounds on Nutrisystem, just to stick it to Golic- Legally keep my appearance on American Gladiators from being …read more

Miami, 2010 — The 2010 World Series Champs have begun their expected salary purge by unloading World Series MVP Cameron Maybin for the two minor leaguers, a player to be named later, and a 5-tool embryo currently in the 6th week of gestation. The yet unnamed embryo, which is expected to be promoted to fetus level after passing a physical, is one of the top prospects in the Eukaryotic League. He is genetically likely to have plus, plus speed and plus power.

Marlins President Larry Beinfest announced that with this move the Marlins would be an important step to …read more

2007

Navy cornerback Ram Vela leaps over a Notre Dame blocker to tackle quarterback Evan Sharpley.
2008

Navy Seal Ram Vela leaps over Al-Qaeda number 2 man to capture Osama Bin-Laden.
2009

Admiral Ram Vela leaps over the DMZ to capture North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il.
2010

Secretary of Defense Ram Vela leaps over the Persian Gulf to capture Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

July, 2010 – At an Applied Cryogenics press conference yesterday, Vinny Testaverde announced his plans to cyrogenically freeze himself so that he will be prepared in the case a quarterback starved NFL team would call upon him. Testaverde, 46, has said his declining health predicated his decision to freeze himself. Testaverde stated,”Although I believe that in my current health I can quarterback well into my fifties, this freezing process should allow me to play into my seventies, and possibly my eighties. While I am frozen, I will not age. Teams in need of my quarterbacking skills may contact Applied …read more

Following the week three loss to Notre Dame, Michigan fans could take no more. Michigan dropped its third straight home game, and fifth straight overall. The Wolverines went from a pre-season top-five ranking to 0-3; it was the tipping point. Though some fans, bloggers and media-folk had been calling for head coach Lloyd Carr to get the ax at varying degrees for years, the general consensus was now that he must go. It was clear that the populace had turned against him. It was also clear that Coach Carr would not be leaving anytime soon.

And so, a crowd of about …read more

 
France, 2008 – Frenchman Pierre Boulanger has been declared the winner of the 2008 Tour de France following the stage one disqualification of every single competitor. Boulanger is the first Frenchman to win the Tour since 1985. Boulanger was biking to his home in Brest when he was spotted by Tour officials. Needing a winner and also keeping in mind the host country’s futility, the officials convinced Boulanger to abandon his trip home and finish the first stage. As the only biker to finish the first stage, Boulanger has been awarded the yellow jersey. He does not expect to compete …read more

Washington, DC – 2014 – Congressional hearings into performance enhancers in the world of competitive-eating continued today. The current and former heads of the International Federation of Competitive Eating finished their testimony yesterday; today featured the testimony of the stars of the then famous, now infamous, 2007 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Competition.

After being sworn in, Takeru Kobayashi was the first to testify. Speaking mostly through an interpreter, Kobayashi gave very little direct answers. The substantive section of his testimony came from a prepared statement, also read by his interpreter. Even then, the statement was evasive and vague. “I know very …read more