I’m not a fan of taping award shows, however live television rarely happens anymore – thanks to ESPY host J.T. and Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. It’s not the only reason, though. I remember an MTV award show where a Rage Against the Machine band member staged a protest on stage, by perching himself on part of the background set.

Nevertheless – you and I will have to wait until Sunday to watch the ESPYs. However, if you want to know the winners – I can give you those. I won’t be looking – but if you must know, here it is.

Post from: EveryJoe

ESPYs already given out

First impressions are hard. Usually forced, awkward, with all parties just wishing they could somehow just skip getting to know each other and just know each other. You know? Some first impressions are perfect, most are awkward, while some are just completely disasterous. With that in mind, what better way to start our relationship than by discussing the geopolitical turbulence caused by China’s human rights violations and continuing persecution of Tibet?

While it might be more convenient to believe that sports and politics don’t mix, it’s been proven time and again that this isn’t the case. Regardless, hasn’t this Olympic torch thing gotten just a bit out of hand? Growing up as a kid, the idea of a torch being run across the world was cool — a flame representing all that is good in sports run across the world for everyone to see. What are kids today thinking when they see that the torch has to be extinguished by Olympic officials to keep from being put out by protesters? Just imagine that exchange between kid and parent:

Kid: Parent, why are those people protesting the torch?

Parent: Well, you see kid, the Olympics are in China this year, a country with a long and controversial history dealing with human rights abuses. The protesters are angry that China was selected to host what is supposed to be an international exhibition of peace, amnesty and charity through sport. They want their governments to boycott the Olympics altogether.

Kid: Parent, isn’t that hypocritical of those people to be so angry at the Chinese when many of them use Chinese-manufactured products every day? Moreover, who are they to decided the fate of the hundreds of athletes that have trained their whole lives to compete on that stage? Can’t the athletes decide for themselves how they wish to address the issues at hand, whether through their performance or other forms of expression?

Parent: Well, kid, China’s recent exportation boom — especially in the information technology and textile industries — has made it almost impossible for people to go completely without Chinese products. But they feel that protesting an otherwise peaceful and politically neutral ceremony will make up for their consumer sins. Furthermore, athletes can’t decide for themselves to protest because it would jeopardize their relationships with their sponsors, many of which have lucrative ties to the Chinese labor industry.

Kid: Parent, does that mean that millions of Chinese and Tibetans are doomed to live impoverished and oppressed lives because deals our government and leading corporations made with known human rights violator in order to increase profits and secure their own financial interests?

Parent: Yes, kid. And what do we call that?

Kid: Capitalism?

Parent: Very good. Now let’s buy you that new pair of sneakers you’ve been wanting.

Yea, parenthood is hard.

Post from: EveryJoe

The Death Of Sports: Olympic Torch Edition

2008 has almost started, and I’ve pretty much given up on my resolutions already, so I’m going to get a head start on breaking my resolutions for the year after that. Without further time-altering ado, my 2009 New Year’s resolutions.- Stop kicking to Devin Hester, but stick to it this year.- Trade Kobe back- Finish the Mitchell Report- Rewind, then return those tapes to Bill Belichick- Have an ESPN featured comment- Build more support for my Todd Collins for MVP movement- Gain 20 pounds on Nutrisystem, just to stick it to Golic- Legally keep my appearance on American Gladiators from being shown ever again - Convert 300 people to the sect of Brady- Spend an entire year without stepping foot in Ohio 

Post from: EveryJoe

News from the Inevitable Future: 2009 New Year’s Resolutions

Miami, 2010 — The 2010 World Series Champs have begun their expected salary purge by unloading World Series MVP Cameron Maybin for the two minor leaguers, a player to be named later, and a 5-tool embryo currently in the 6th week of gestation. The yet unnamed embryo, which is expected to be promoted to fetus level after passing a physical, is one of the top prospects in the Eukaryotic League. He is genetically likely to have plus, plus speed and plus power.

Marlins President Larry Beinfest announced that with this move the Marlins would be an important step to ensure that the Marlins would be competitive for years to come. He dismissed the notion that the Marlins were having another one of their fire sales. “We’re simply building for the future as well. We expect to be competitive during our championship defense.”

There has been some concern about the incoming embryo’s plate discipline, but that is expected to improve as it develops eyes an upper brain function.

Post from: EveryJoe

News From the Inevitable Future: Marlins Trade For 5-Tool Embryo

Navy cornerback Ram Vela leaps over a Notre Dame blocker to tackle quarterback Evan Sharpley.

2008

Navy Seal Ram Vela leaps over Al-Qaeda number 2 man to capture Osama Bin-Laden.

2009

Admiral Ram Vela leaps over the DMZ to capture North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il.

2010

Secretary of Defense Ram Vela leaps over the Persian Gulf to capture Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Post from: EveryJoe

News From the Inevitable Future: Ram Vela…in Pictures!

July, 2010 – At an Applied Cryogenics press conference yesterday, Vinny Testaverde announced his plans to cyrogenically freeze himself so that he will be prepared in the case a quarterback starved NFL team would call upon him. Testaverde, 46, has said his declining health predicated his decision to freeze himself. Testaverde stated,”Although I believe that in my current health I can quarterback well into my fifties, this freezing process should allow me to play into my seventies, and possibly my eighties. While I am frozen, I will not age. Teams in need of my quarterbacking skills may contact Applied Cryogenics, who will then thaw me and negotiate my contract. I have been assured that the thawing process will allow me to play football effectively within a week of being frozen.”

Testaverde has said that after consulting with his family and physicians, he decided that freezing himself for future generations was the best decision. “It was a very difficult decision, and I will miss my family dearly, but with the defenders growing larger and faster, quarterbacks will be getting injured at ever-quickening pace. I will be needed in future, this is what is best for society.”

Testaverde is not the first NFL player to freeze himself. Michael Vick remains frozen while he waits out his NFL suspension.

Post from: EveryJoe

News From the Inevitable Future: Vinny Testaverde To Be Frozen For Future Emergency Quarterbacking

Following the week three loss to Notre Dame, Michigan fans could take no more. Michigan dropped its third straight home game, and fifth straight overall. The Wolverines went from a pre-season top-five ranking to 0-3; it was the tipping point. Though some fans, bloggers and media-folk had been calling for head coach Lloyd Carr to get the ax at varying degrees for years, the general consensus was now that he must go. It was clear that the populace had turned against him. It was also clear that Coach Carr would not be leaving anytime soon.

And so, a crowd of about 100,000 attempted to storm Schembechler Hall to forcibly remove Lloyd Carr from his position atop Michigan. The crowd was especially raucous for a Michigan group. It has been said that the noise traveled a full block down State Street to Yost Ice Arena. The crowd yelled “Off with his head coaching position!” and burned various jowly effigies. Their attempt to storm Schembechler Hall proved ultimately fruitless. The high walls surrounding the practice field were not scaled. The masses eventually returned to their homes to watch their 1997 highlight tapes and come to terms with the knowledge that — no matter the on-field performance — Michigan was so set in its ways that it was incapable of change.

Coach Carr expressed surprise that he was questioned at all, “Jim Harbaugh must be behind this.”

Post from: EveryJoe

News From the Inevitable Future: Les Mich

France, 2008 – Frenchman Pierre Boulanger has been declared the winner of the 2008 Tour de France following the stage one disqualification of every single competitor. Boulanger is the first Frenchman to win the Tour since 1985. Boulanger was biking to his home in Brest when he was spotted by Tour officials. Needing a winner and also keeping in mind the host country’s futility, the officials convinced Boulanger to abandon his trip home and finish the first stage. As the only biker to finish the first stage, Boulanger has been awarded the yellow jersey. He does not expect to compete in any further stages, as the disqualification of the other bikers will make him, upon the completion of the field’s B-sample tests, the de facto winner of the Tour de France. When asked for a statement, Boulanger expressed pride but was more concerned with receiving a ride home for dinner.

Post from: EveryJoe

News From The Inevitable Future: 2008 Tour de France

Washington, DC – 2014 – Congressional hearings into performance enhancers in the world of competitive-eating continued today. The current and former heads of the International Federation of Competitive Eating finished their testimony yesterday; today featured the testimony of the stars of the then famous, now infamous, 2007 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Competition.

After being sworn in, Takeru Kobayashi was the first to testify. Speaking mostly through an interpreter, Kobayashi gave very little direct answers. The substantive section of his testimony came from a prepared statement, also read by his interpreter. Even then, the statement was evasive and vague. “I know very little of the nature of appetite-enhancers and stomach growth hormone, but from what I have heard, they are very bad for you. Almost as bad for you as eating 60 hot dogs in 12 minutes.”

Kobayashi, who appeared much heavier than in his competitive eating days, was asked by multiple congressmen for an explanation how he doubled the world record for hot dog ingestion. Rep. Wyatt seriously doubted “whether it is humanly possible to eat that amount of hot dogs without some sort of unnatural assistance.” Rep. Walken described the whole sport as “not kosher.”

Following Kobayashi’s testimony and a short lunch break, Joey Chestnut sat before the committee. Chestnut, a national figure following his 2007 Nathan’s win, wasn’t questioned so much as he was scolded. This may have occurred in part because Chestnut refused to answer questions, stating that he was not here to talk about the past, but rather the future of competitive eating and its influence on the nation’s young people.

Rep. Haffley soliloquized, “America was united behind you in 2007, Mr. Chestnut. You were an inspiration to millions of American youth. Now our memory of that magical summer has been tarnished. You’ve betrayed us if you used appetite-enhancers. If you didn’t, than you should deny it here. If you don’t, then shame on you.”

Chestnut’s refusal continued, though he vowed to educate the public of the “dangers of appetite-enhancers and the like.”

Other heavyweights of competitive eating then testified, such as Eric “Badlands” Book and Ed “Cookie” Jarvis. Tomorrow, congress hears the testimony of Babe Ruth’s clone.

Post from: EveryJoe

News From the Inevitable Future: The Competitive Eating Congressional Hearings