NFL Star Accused Of Choking MTV’s Tila Tequila

Assault Marks First Time Player Tried to Perform Community Service Before Being Sentenced

On next play, cops pick up blitzing linebacker

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Thousands Of Fake Votes Cast In Afghanistan Election

Country Adopts U.S. Policy Of How Officials Are Elected In Illinois

“I’m Rod Blagojevich and I approved of this tactic.”

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Like They Did With Mortgages, Wall Street Banks Look To Securitize Life Insurance Policies

FNMA To Guarantee New Securities As Government Officials Tout Benefit That Now Just About Everyone Will Be Able To Afford to Kill Grandma

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Like They Did With Mortgages, Wall Street Banks Look To Securitize Life Insurance Policies

Marketing Department Rushes To Coin Name For Bundled Securities Other Than ‘Death Pools’

Wall Street plans new version of ‘Antiques Roadshow’

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Like They Did With Mortgages, Wall Street Banks Look To Securitize Life Insurance Policies

Headline of the Future: SEC Fails To Uncover Massive Ponzi Scheme After Banker Tells Investigators Thousands Of Skeletons In Vault Are Just ‘Halloween Decorations’

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Disney Purchases Marvel Comics For $4 Billion

Will Look To Rename ‘Batman and Robin’ As Superheroes ‘Zack and Cody’

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Heineken Says Swiss Beer ‘Keineken’ Infringes On Brand

Brewer Awaits Legal Department’s Call On Whether They Can Also Sue ‘Meineke’ Car Care Centers

Might be easier just to market a 10W-40 beer

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Don’t Forget To Check Out the Bizlevity Caption Contest For Your Chance to Win $$ And Prizes

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Images: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Bizlevity News Headlines — 09/07/09

Fraudster Bernie Madoff is expected to plead guilty to “11 criminal counts including money laundering, perjury and securities, mail and wire fraud” this Thursday according to Yahoo! News. (In this instance Yahoo! is a proper name and not a qualitative judgment on the actual news.)

Over twenty-five defrauded investors have requested to speak at Madoff’s plea hearing in what many time management experts are terming “the biggest waste of time and breath since the Aztecs asked to discuss things for a few minutes with the Conquistadors.”

I’m all for putting your two cents in, but not when it’s the last money you have.

Bernie Madoff lived like Caligula for over 20 years by defrauding personal friends and an intimate circle of referred clients which included charitable institutions.

Even though I’m not a professional psychologist, it seems pretty clear to me Bernie Madoff doesn’t really give a crap what you or I think of him.

Is anyone seriously expecting, after some 75-year-old lady details the story of how she lost her life savings, Bernie Madoff is going to stand up and say, “You know, I feel just horrible about all this” and then reach into his wallet and pull out a few million to make amends?

If you believe that, I’ve got a mutual fund that’s guaranteed to return 12 percent a year with no risk that I’d like you to invest in.

To the people looking to parade their misfortune in front of the court, here’s some advice: save the taxi fare and pool what’s left of your money to buy a pit bull and a nice steak that you can slip into Bernie’s pocket as he leaves court to go back to his penthouse to await sentencing — “several months” from now.

While we’re on the subject … how exactly do law enforcement officials reconcile Madoff’s treatment with the prosecutorial abuse of power of somebody like Eliot Spitzer?

Spitzer routinely led company executives to jail in handcuffs on trumped up charges in support of an agenda of personal vendettas, yet Bernie Madoff, who has admitted to the biggest fraud in recorded history, gets to sit in his — oh, excuse me — his wife’s seven million dollar apartment and watch the NCAA basketball tournament on a big screen while ordering take-out filet mignon from Smith and Wollensky’s.

Justice is supposed to be blind, not stupid.

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Madoff’s lawyer expected to ask for continuance so his client can watch World Series at home…

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Image: Beau B on Flickr

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Post from: EveryJoe

Dozens Seek To Speak At Madoff Hearing