Stephen Dorff has signed on to be in Sony Picture’s new movie Born to Be A Star which puts him right in the middle of the porn industry.  I haven’t seen Dorff in anything noteworthy recently so I guess he’s heading to adult films like all struggling actors (kidding!).

In the movie, which was co-written by Adam Sandler (he’s also the producer), Dorff will play “Dick Shadow,” a legendary porn star.  I’m not sure where he fits into the storyline which is about a small-town Midwestern nerd (played by the script’s co-writer, Nick Swardson) who discovers his parents were famous porn stars. I’m guessing the revelation inspires the nerd because IMDb says the movie is about “A kid from the Midwest moves out to Hollywood in order to follow in his parents footsteps — and become a porn star.”  Christina Ricci will play Swardson’s girlfriend.

Filming is expected to begin next week.

Can I just take a minute to talk about the fact that this is yet another mainstream movie about people wanting to get into the porn industry?  With films like this one and Zack and Miri Make a Porno and The Girl Next Door, is porn becoming less taboo and more acceptable?

Whatever the case, hopefully, this will be a nice way for Dorff (and Ricci) to ease back into the spotlight.  The last thing that I saw him in that I actually enjoyed (except for the episode of Punk’d where he made himself look like a total jerk) was Blade.

image: Bauer-Griffin

A few words of wisdom: if she was a lesbian when she was sober the she’ll still be a lesbian when she’s drunk…and puking on your shoes.

While on a six month deployment in city far away from home, I learned that there were exactly three things to do: Jacuzzi, watch porn and drink. At the hotel where I was staying, there was a homeless group of us all from different parts of the country and from different companies on extended work assignments. We naturally banded together and drank quite a bit. I became very fond of Cosmos and even had the bartender at the hotel trained to make them perfectly so they went down so smooth and packed a wallop.

These folks were truly just friends. None of us slept together and there wasn’t any huge social drama scene going on. We would drink and laugh and share the stories of our crappy day at work. We would eat meals together and socialize. At this point, my female partner and I had been together for nearly 14 years and I had no interest sexually in any of the men in the group.

One night after the bar in our hotel closed, four of us decided to find the next largest hotel with a bar and go there. And the Cosmos came flowing like water. At some point, I realized how drunk I was getting and thought I should put some food in my stomach to perhaps take a little bit of the buzz off. I ordered a spinach salad. It was actually rather good going down, but did nothing for taking the edge off. The buzz was so good in fact, that when that bar closed, I made the suggestion that we go up to my room where I had a bottle of vodka and continue the celebration.

We got some cans of Squirt from the hotel vending machine and proceeded to continue drinking. Patti had a round and then called it quits. Tim had two more rounds and then got obnoxious, so I locked him out of the room.

That left just Bob and me.

In my drunken stupor, I had failed to notice was that Bob kept complimenting my hair, saying how nice it was. He moved a bit closer on the couch and then he began touching my hair. At this point, I vaguely start thinking this a little too intimate. But before that thought gets solidly implanted in my head, I ralph spinach salad and Cosmos.

Yes, I barfed, I threw up, I chucked Cheerios, whatever you want to call it. But I did, and did so in prodigious quantities. Over all over Bob’s shoes. Mortified, I ran to the bathroom and got cleaned up, expecting Bob to be gone by the time I was done. But upon exiting, I realized that Bob was still there. Is it just me or am I wrong in thinking that when one party barfs, the date is over? As in, no, even if I were straight, I wouldn’t be sleeping with you tonight.

He still kept complimenting my hair, and I just couldn’t quite get what he thought was going to happen, so I finally said, “I’m just not feeling too good”, and that I’d see him tomorrow. He left peacefully (thankfully) and was a true gentleman, never mentioning the barfing or the subsequent awkwardness.

I never did quite understand what he thought was going to happen, perhaps that if I got drunk enough, I wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore? I also think back on that night and know that I am very lucky that Bob was indeed a gentleman, as he could have been a real jerk and made things bad.

I guess I learned that I need to pay attention to the subtle clues and Bob probably needs to learn that when the girl barfs, the date is indeed truly over.

Image by wili_hybrid story by nom de plume

While spammers are getting more innovative by the day, most victims still fall prey to the primitive types. I suggest three thumb rules to defend yourself against the seven common types of spam mail that I’ve recently mentioned. They are all common sense, but if common sense were abundant among all of us all the time, the world would’ve been a tiringly boring place.

First thumb rule is to keep your mouse away or tie your fingers from accidentally clicking on the links within the message or downloading the attachment.

Second thumb rule for any kind of spam (apart from cheesy forwards, I guess) is: DO NOT REPLY. Not even if they ask you to click “Unsubscribe” or reply back with that keyword in the subject.

Third thumb rule is to click “Report Spam” or some equivalent button provided by the mail service provider. This enables the service provider to take automated actions in identifying future spam from the same source, curbing it or at least sending it to the Spam folder instead of your inbox.

If you come across what seems to be a particularly malicious spam mail, you can help further by forwarding it to spam@uce.gov. The Federal Trade Commission uses the spam stored in their database to pursue law enforcement actions against people who send deceptive email.
Here is a little more unsolicited advice for tackling specific kinds of spam mail:

Forwards: Sharing interesting things that we’ve come across online is being increasingly done using social bookmarking tools. However, forwarding some messages or for that matter even addressing a large group is inevitable. Cleaning the previous headers containing scores of lines of unknown email addresses and headers, and using the BCC column while forwarding to your own contacts are two invaluable pieces of the same cake.

Phishing: If you’re really tempted by a mail from what claims to be your bank, open the official bank website directly and try navigating from the home page to this page. If the website doesn’t contain the link you’re looking for, it is not worth it.

For News, Offers and Porn, trust Google to provide the latest information.

For Personals, get offline.

My first experience with spam that I can distinctly remember is a letter to my dad from Australia about a large lottery he had apparently won. I was then barely ten years old, and along with my mom credited my dad with the ingenuity to have carefully chosen an Australian lottery to invest a penny in it as a quick way to get rich, without telling any of us about it. My bright and cynical older brother constantly doused our hopes until my dad returned from work and drowned them down the toilet.

Man has known spam for as long as he has known God. Probably even before scams in the name of religion began, spam did in the form of sermons. Before we get into a circular debate about religion, let us first talk about spam in general. I predict that the world will soon witness spam awareness campaigns like AIDS awareness campaigns, and with good reason.

Here are the most common types of spam we get in our mail boxes.

Forwards: …Microsoft agreed to pay $1 for every 100 people this mail reaches. Please forward to all your friends…
Chain mails are now so old that after hundreds of funny chain mails mocking other chain mails, they are slowly decreasing. We are getting used to other easier ways of sharing interesting online material through social bookmarking tools. A malware-carrying chain mail is still disruptive, and sometimes destructive, because most forwards come from close contacts.

Gifts: We are pleased to inform you that… Congratulations!!! To begin your claim processing process…
The Nigerian Scam is a synecdoche fast becoming synonymous to advance-fee fraud. A mail about you getting lucky with a large lottery, or becoming a benefactor of a big bequest, or being chosen by the President himself to channel offshore funds from a soldier back into the economy just in time for the bailout. Just in time. The catch is that you should pay the bank or the corrupt bureaucracy a small fee for the funds to be released. Quick. Perhaps this is the most-studied and most well-known spam, rather scam, and I still read about people falling prey to this every now and then. This is what made me take up this common topic.

News: Click link to watch President-elect Obama’s victory speech.
This is increasingly becoming a formidable form of spam potent enough to wreck your PC with a single click. Remember the Bush-killed-Obama spam?

Offers: Uncensored Internet Television Now Available.
Offers to enlarge equipment, offers to buy drugs without prescriptions nor taxes, offers to buy novelty goods for nickles. Weeks before Thanksgiving is when this kind of spam increases. If shopping is a woman’s sport, I wonder why there aren’t as much spam targetting women. Are they missing something? Or do they believe that men are innately more stupid? Never mind.

Personals: Find true love on Christian Dating.
These are heartfelt imaginary love letters written by mushy members of the spam industry. They have a beginning, a middle, and you get to write the end. Again, I’ve seen them being targeted on the male audience (and the lesbians). Are they secretly more lachrymose?

Phishing: Please log into your bank accout and confirm the transaction.
Phishing is often clubbed with news for better results. A day after news about troubles in Wachovia Bank broke out, I received a mail from the bank with some links and directions. I didn’t go through it, because I don’t hold an account in Wachovia, but I’m sure it had been imaginatively written persuading me to login and perhaps transfer my money to some other safer and numerologically lucky numbered account.

Porn: So do you want to see me $#*!$@?
Funny how many fall trap to the stupidest spam. Porn is allegedly the single largest category on the web and also the single largest virus carrier.

As a conventional blogger who religiously follows spam I have to write this: If you don’t bookmark or forward or share this article with at least thirteen others, your PC will automatically reboot seven times today.

It will, anyway. Keep watching this space for ways to defend yourself against spam.