Last night’s Monday Night Raw had a pleading message from Shane McMahon, a big time title change, a title rematch, a touching tribute to a local legend, the imposition of martial law, and the overarching theme of anarchy. Why anarchy? Well, what RAW didn’t have was a GM given Mr. McMahon’s “tragic accident”.

As a result the inmates ran the asylum. And how do the RAW inmates run their Oklahoma City asylum? They prefer comedy skits, long stretches on the microphone, and as little wrestling as possible. As far as wrestling and results go there is precious little to report today. Drama and storyline on the other hand…

The night’s epic introduction began with a terrific going away tribute to announcer Jim Ross; RAW was taking place in his home state of Oklahoma. He called Jerry “The King” Lawler his “older brother” and said how much he’d miss him. As the Wrestlemania XXIV tribute to Ric Flair proved, the WWE does tributes well and JR’s was no exception.

Lest the night get too mushy, Edge appeared in the ring to bust up the feel-good vibe with a few choice bbq and blog-related insults. But his penalty for breaking up the JR love-fest was very very harsh. Batista attacked the Rated-R Superstar and Batista Bombed him to oblivion. At that point CM Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank contract, pinned Edge, and won the WWE Heavyweight Title.

RAW got its title back but at what cost? It’s two title holders are the unlikely pair of CM Punk and Kofi Kingston. It has the less prestigious of the two major titles, it lost the number one announcer Jim Ross, and at this point RAW feels like #2 in the brand hierarchy. CM Punk is not a flagship I’m sailing with.

The next segments brought a lackluster Divas match (Mickie James pinned Jillian) a talk-off between Santino Marella and Rey Mysterio, and a “I double-dare you to please please fight me” message from JBL to CM Punk. Next up to grab the stage was John Cena who told us how great his match was last night. He also wants to fight CM Punk. Who wouldn’t?

JBL then appeared and declared martial law via his hired security team. JBL might understand money but political science is not his forte. Only an empowered military force can declare martial law and JBL’s thugs do not meet this requirement.

RAW had now been on for one hour and twenty minutes with NO MEN’S MATCHES. This had to be some sort of record. Finally we got a thirty-second long DiBiase-Rhodes tag team match. After the annoying, pesky, grappling Rhodes and DiBiase talked for about five minutes.

Would a match ever happen? Finally with twenty minutes left in the show Kofi Kingston faced Y2J in an Intercontinental Title rematch. Keeping with the night’s loquacious theme, Y2J opening soliloquy lasted longer than what should have been an entertaining match. It absurdly ended when Y2J was disqualified for pulling Kingston’s shorts too high and America caught a glimpse of Kofi’s butt crack.

When the JBL-CM Punk started Mrs. Jabandgrapple said, “It’s already 10:55 p.m., how are they going to have a match?” I countered, “Five minute match it is then.” And it was. Nevertheless those five minutes were more wrestling time than the rest of RAW’s men’s matches combined! Who won? Nobody. JBL was DQ’d when his security force started scrapping with John Cena and Cryme Tyme.

What does this all mean? It means that Thomas Hobbes was wrong. Anarchy does not bring chaos. Man’s natural existence is not a brutish war against each other. In fact, anarchy brings peace, love, and lots of microphone time.

Post from: EveryJoe

6/30/08 Monday Night Raw: Anarchy Means No Fighting

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Who could the WWE bring out alongside Vince McMahon to make the chairman look smart? Who could they put next to him that makes his delayed dialing synapses look lightning quick? There’s only one person:

Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Duggan is in a tux and so is his 2×4. My IQ has just dropped about 40 points.

Jeff Hardy def. Carlito
We’re already at RAW’s halfway point and this is only the second match. Thankfully, it’s good. Carlito brings his A game and the two work well together. During the match our favorite high flyer takes 4 blind leaps from the top rope and finally pins Carlito after a well-executed Swanton Bomb. As he leaves the ring Jeff looks exhausted and in pain. We worry about his health and the toll all those high risk moves must inflict. Nobody puts his body through week-to-week rigor that Jeff does and his sacrifice is why he is so loved.

Chris Jericho segment
John Cena and Chris Jericho are the WWE’s best talkers and they’ve both been featured tonight on the mic. Cena’s segment led to a great match but Jericho’s seems to be heading elsewhere; we don’t think he’s going to fight Shawn Michaels tonight. Y2J gets off to a rousing start calling the Salt Lake City crowd morally corrupt, blaming them for his rage, and telling them that they don’t want to be saved. He tells them that through they’ve ostracized him through their judgmental booing. They’ve forced him to punish Shawn Michaels for their sins. HBK’s blood will be on their hands.

This segment is great. Jericho is attacking the crowd by playing the Christ figure. His speech is laden with biblical metaphors and themes and where is he? That’s right, in America’s most fundamentally religious state and in a city whose main attraction is Temple Square. Coincidence?

Y2J wants revenge on HBK. Michaels, however, isn’t there. Y2J has the “liars and cheaters” chant HBK and whose music intones? Who is going to challenge Jericho? Jean-Jacques Rosseau’s favorite wrestler: the Nature Boy Ric Flair!

So much for retirement. After a standing ovation that lasts the entirety of the commercial breaks they stare at each other meaningfully before Flair challenges Michaels to a fight in the parking lot thus bypassing his retirement requirements. Y2J is game and follows the very sweaty North Carolinian. When Jericho opens the Exit door he runs into HHH who has “been looking for a way to make you my business” which Mrs. Jabandgrapple adds might be homoerotic if HHH didn’t look like Matt Damon’s Lenny Pepperidge character from Ocean’s Thirteen.

Flair tries to be angry about Triple H fighting his battles but the “I Love Yous” that he sprinkles into the conversation sort of defeat his purpose. No matter. Vince McMahon swiftly has Flair escorted from the building. Is a McMahon-Flair feud building? Sounds good to us!

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE RAW 6/16: Hacksaw, Hardy, and the Nature Boy

I recently updated my b5 profile with the intention of explaining how www.jabandgrapple.com could cover both the scripted fun of pro wrestling entertainment and the unexpected life-threating tension of professional boxing. My answer wasn’t that they both take place in rings and involve some sort of combat.

No, my explanation was that they are bookends of the sporting world with everything else existing in between their emotional bounds. Friday night was evidence of this evocative breadth. WWE’s SmackDown and ESPN’s Friday Night Fights were broadcast simultaneously and my Motorola DVR only allowed me to watch one at a time while taping both. I was forced to delve into both without distraction.

First up was the glorious costumed cabaret fun of SmackDown. The Undertaker was trying to take revenge out on a supposedly wheelchair-bound lady. People were fired, lives were affected, fear, trouble, mayhem, betrayal and loss were the pervasive themes.

We all know, however, that the situations were fake. That in the end the performers’ lives aren’t affected as far as career longevity and/or actual intended danger. Sure, unexpected tragedies can and have occurred but The Undertaker’s choke slam really isn’t endangering opponents; the Great Khali wasn’t really bleeding profusely from the mouth a few weeks ago. Their career paths are decided by scriptwriters and their salary, however modest, isn’t dependent on them winning.

Once SmackDown ended I switched over to the very real career arc of Chris Byrd, a 37-year-old who had just lost 37 pounds in an attempt to compete at the light heavyweight level. Things didn’t work out that well for the former heavyweight champion as he was beaten badly and knocked out in the ninth round. Byrd then deliriously apologized to his wife and handsome young son; he felt he had let them down.

The drama was real, the pain evident, and the tragedy too much to bear. Here was a man who put his life on the line in the ring and couldn’t bear the failure that he wrongly perceived himself to be.

Shortly after the fight doctors diagnosed Byrd with a separated shoulder and administered painkillers. Then the situation nosedived. His wife explained to ESPN, “They gave him Valium and morphine and we couldn’t wake him up,” she continued. “I was so scared. We had to rush him to the hospital.”

Byrd was revived late Friday night and returned home but the psychological pain will not end. Byrd will presumably not fight again at least not on the same championship level he was accustomed. He understands that he should retire.

His opponent Shaun George added after the fight “There’s going to come a point where you have to give it up. That’s the hard part because you love the sport. It’s sad for anybody, but especially someone like Byrd who is a two-time heavyweight champion.”

For me, the pathos was too much to bear, especially after watching its polar opposite at SmackDown.

So I turned the channel to the end of the Boston Celtics-Cleveland Cavs playoff game. I love the NBA but after the Byrd fight it seemed so superficial and so far removed from man’s essential struggle. So scripted and so much closer to pro wrestling than what I had just viewed.

Lives aren’t going to be affected by the Celtics loss no matter how angsty Kevin Garnett portrays himself; no matter how aloof and affected Ray Allen appears to be. They’ll pull in their guaranteed million dollar contract accept their loss, continue performing to David Stern’s script, move on and compete until their bodies can’t move. Just like Bruno Sammartino, just like Hulk Hogan and just like Ric Flair.

If Chris Byrd were to go back in the ring he might be killed, the fact that he’s still an elite boxer doesn’t matter. His skills just aren’t elite enough.

Think I’m off base? Comment below and tell me what you think.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

The Real Drama of Boxing vs. the Fake Drama of the WWE and the NBA

Over on fighthype.com there is an interview with former WWE writer Christopher Bell, director of the soon to be released documentary Bigger, Stronger, Faster*. He talks about which drug he thinks is the scourge of pro wrestling and definitively states the muscular legitimacy of one WWE Superstar. Here’s some hints: it’s not steroids and the wrestler in question made a triumphant return last RAW.

Image details: World Champ Wrestling.jpg served by picapp.com

Even more interesting is the Baltimore Sun’s Ring Posts blog 3,000 word(!) Scott Steiner interview with more spoilers and opinions than most celebrity tell-all books.

What does Steiner think of Ric Flair?

He was a crybaby. He was a little [wuss].

Triple H?

Every time he is the champion, ratings go down, pay-per-view buys go down – it’s a fact. But that’s what happens when you’re [sleeping with] the boss’ daughter.

Shawn Michaels?

Personally, I think he’s a [freaking homosexual].

If you haven’t read both interviews click over immediately. They’re great reads. Fighthype interview with Bell. Baltimore Sun interview with Scott Steiner.

Post from: EveryJoe

Steroids and Name Calling

Post from: EveryJoe

Wrestlemania 24 Quick Results

Up next: Bunnymania Lumberjack Match

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Wrestlemania 24: Ric Flair Defeated By Shawn Michaels, Retires

Post from: EveryJoe

Wrestlemania 24 Match Lineup

Th main event this week on Raw was definitely above average in my book with Batista attacking Umaga and Finlay assaulting JBL but the hype for Wrestlemania doesn’t feel any bigger now then when the Big Show-Mayweather match storyline began or the triple-threat WWE Championship main event was set up. Right now I am most looking forward to Flair’s career threatening match with HBK (as surprised as I am to say that), the Money in the Bank match (though it would have been much better in my eyes had Jeff Hardy not been suspended), and the Heavyweight Championship match between Undertaker and Edge. I think last year’s Wrestlemania will be hard to top and perhaps that has made me feel slighted on the promotion of this one but I hope the outside feel will make this Wrestlemania one to remember.

Post from: EveryJoe

Raw Recap (March 24, 2008)