– Wal-Mart Fires ‘Asset Protection Officer’ For Chasing Down Shoplifter —
Josh Rutner was a unique Wal-Mart employee. He took his job seriously.
Josh was tasked with being an “asset protection officer” for the gigantic retailer. So, when a customer bolted on the check at Wal-Mart’s food counter and then ran out of the store with 43 dollars worth of golf balls in his pockets, Josh chased the thief down in the parking lot and held him until police arrived.
They held an employee awards ceremony for Josh the next day and rewarded him for actually giving a …read more

–Stories Ripped-Off From The Day’s Headlines –
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Russia Refuses To Back Iran Embargo
Putin Says Sanctions Don’t Work … Better To Use Poison

“Trust me, Iranians love sushi….”
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Pepsi iPhone App Offers Guys Pick-Up Lines, Chance To Post ‘Conquests’ On Facebook
iCreep App Proves Hit With Key Stalker Demographic

Wants you to come up to the house for an energy drink and to meet Mom…
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‘It Ain’t Me … It Ain’t Me … I Ain’t No Senator’s Son’
Son of Ex-Governor Charged With Killing Ex-Girlfriend, Abusing His Father
Oooo, they point the cannon at you…
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Model: ‘I Was Fired For Being Too Large’
And…?

“Back the hell away from my chocolate!”
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Anheuser-Busch InBev …read more

– Thin Mints To Retail for $300 To Cover Cost of Embedded Security Cam and Wireless Mic In Every Pack –
We’ve officially lost our minds in this country.
The Department of Homeland Security has launched a campaign to enlist over three million Girl Scouts to help combat “pandemics, terror attacks and other disasters.”
“Other disasters” include running out of either munchies or sexual fantasies.
Potheads and pedophiles will be instructed to call a special 24-hour hotline and have the local Scoutmaster dispatch an elite team of merit-badge wearing kids to cope with the catastrophe.
Even Dick Cheney wasn’t paranoid enough …read more

– Write Your Own Caption, Win $75 And A Prize Package Of Our Favorite Authors –
Hey! We’ve got a contest going on.
And, let’s face it, in this economy who couldn’t use a bunch of books?
Plus, unless you’re paying for your own Tamiflu shot, $75 is nothing to sneeze at, either.
Point being, it’s a win-win-win-win situation.
Win #1: You read the witty and erudite entries which make up this site known as Bizlevity.

Win #2: You enjoy a wry chuckle, outright guffaw or a moment of seething outrage.
Win #3: You show the world your creativity and sense of …read more

– From The Same State That Brought You The Alamo and Executions of Retarded People Comes The Latest Food Treat: Fried Butter –
I don’t make any pretense at understanding anything that happens in states south of Tennessee, but I have to admit the idea of fried butter makes perfect sense to me.
If everything tastes better fried … and everything tastes better with butter, then it seems if you just went ahead and fried butter you’d have the culinary equivalent of a threesome with Jessica Alba and Megan Fox.
It’s the kind of ecstasy you can only dream about.
Abel Gonzales Jr. …read more

– Awesome Infomercial Only Topped By Product Name –
They say desperate times call for desperate measures.
Somebody must be reeeallly desperate because this infomercial for Doc Bottoms Aspray pretty much scrapes the um, … bottom of the infomercial barrel.
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Can I buy an ‘S’?
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If you thought it was impossible to make Axe Body Spray look classy — think again.
There’s so much going on in this commercial it’s easy to forget all the reasons why you’d want to carry around a bottle of this stuff instead of just taking a shower once a week.
There’s the Billy-Mays-wannabe announcer who’s more excited …read more

– Stories Ripped Off From Today’s Headlines —
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World’s First Recipient Of New Jaw And Tongue Smiles
…Then Licks Eyebrows Just To Mess With Everyone

Now, about that frog in my throat….
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Scientists Confirm Reports Of Swine Flu In Turkeys
Country Braces For November Outbreak of Turducken Flu

Oh, my Lord! …the swine flu got the turkey!
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Ms. Venezuela Wins Miss Universe For Second Year In A Row
Strongman Chavez Declares Hot Venezuelan Women A National Resource, Nationalizes All Sexy Latinas for Good of the Country

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AFL-CIO Leader Named To Be Head Of NY Fed
Central Bank To Hire Four Hundred Bankers Who’ll Stand Around And Do Nothing; Fed …read more

– Surprisingly, Not All of It; New Study Reveals Many Tweets Also ‘Stupid’, ‘Annoying’ –
A new study by Pear Analytics weighs in on the heretofore fruitless debate about how much of Twitter is “pointless babble” and how much of it is actually “inane drivel.”
A bunch of dudes at Pear Analytics apparently did some kind of pseudo-scientific classification of 2000 Twitter tweets over a two-week term of time, classifying all the accepted tweets into six “buckets” — kind of like how you sort your garbage into various recycling bins.
The group divided tweets into six categories: News, Spam, Self-Promotion, Pointless Babble, Conversational …read more

– Key Is Bacon-Flavored Beer –
Brooklyn Brewery brewmaster (and President of the Alliterative Job Description Coalition) Garret Oliver is a man with a dream.
A dream which, if successful, could result in Oliver being declared President for Life of the United Nations and having 80% of the male children born on Earth being named “Garret.”
You see, Garret Oliver is attempting the brewing equivalent of the Triple Lindy. He is doggedly (pig-headedly?) pursuing the goal of producing a good-tasting, bacon-flavored beer.
It’s enough to make you switch from Orthodox to Reform Judaism.
The plan is to use a special flavored …read more

– “My Cat Downloaded Over 1,000 Images of Child Porn” Seems Destined For Lame-Excuse-of-the-Year Status –
Unless someone can come up with a more ridiculous excuse for criminal behavior, I’m going to go ahead and award Keith Griffin the 2009 Lame Excuse of the Year Award for his explanation of why he had over 1,000 images of kiddie porn on his computer.
Griffin said his cat jumped on his keyboard while he was downloading music. Griffin claims he then left the room and when he came back there were “strange things” on his computer.
Don’t let anyone tell you they …read more