Josh Rutner was a unique Wal-Mart employee. He took his job seriously.

Josh was tasked with being an “asset protection officer” for the gigantic retailer. So, when a customer bolted on the check at Wal-Mart’s food counter and then ran out of the store with 43 dollars worth of golf balls in his pockets, Josh chased the thief down in the parking lot and held him until police arrived.

They held an employee awards ceremony for Josh the next day and rewarded him for actually giving a rat’s ass about the company by giving him a pink slip and, as a special bonus, a lifetime ban on working for the company again. Ever.

Wow. Talk about being soft on crime. The Wal-Mart policy on shoplifters makes law enforcement in Hollywood look like the Spanish Inquisition.

Wal-Mart spokesperson Michelle Bradford says the store’s no-chase policy is clear. “We take the safety and security of our customers and associates very seriously. There are specific instructions as to what an associate can and can’t do during a shoplifting episode.”

With all the potential for legal liability, it’s easy to see why Wal-Mart has this particular rule in place and what the proper course of action is in this situation.

Steal as much stuff from Wal-Mart as you can and sprint out the door with it.

If you get past the octogenarian checking receipts, it’s like a game show — you can keep whatever you’re carrying.

If you can’t chase a shoplifter, what exactly is your store policy for preventing theft? Grab a megaphone and attempt to reason with the thief as he runs out of sight?

In this case, it looks like “every day low prices” is also accompanied by “every day low company I.Q.”

For eight bucks an hour and lousy benefits, Wal-Mart should be handing out prizes to anyone who can stay awake during their shift, let alone try to help the company out by doing a good deed.

Although, with the ongoing recession, the advertising slogan, “Welcome to Wal-Mart. Just take what you need.” could be pretty compelling.

In a related story, Wal-Mart said it hopes to offset shoplifting losses by firing 90% of its cashiers since no one will use them anyway now that they know they can just walk off with stuff.

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“Where the hell is my getaway car?”

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Just Doing My Ex-Job, Ma’am

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Russia Refuses To Back Iran Embargo

Putin Says Sanctions Don’t Work … Better To Use Poison

“Trust me, Iranians love sushi….”

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Pepsi iPhone App Offers Guys Pick-Up Lines, Chance To Post ‘Conquests’ On Facebook

iCreep App Proves Hit With Key Stalker Demographic

Wants you to come up to the house for an energy drink and to meet Mom…
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‘It Ain’t Me … It Ain’t Me … I Ain’t No Senator’s Son’

Son of Ex-Governor Charged With Killing Ex-Girlfriend, Abusing His Father

Oooo, they point the cannon at you…

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Model: ‘I Was Fired For Being Too Large’

And…?

“Back the hell away from my chocolate!”

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Anheuser-Busch InBev Sells Theme Parks To Blackstone Equity Group

Wall Street Firm Plans to Introduce New ‘Housing Market’ Roller Coaster; Claims Ride Will Be Scariest Ever

Say what?

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We’re Number One!

Mazda Introduces Car That Runs On Urine; Gas Stations Urge Drivers Not To Top Off Tanks

Dude. Just spring for a bus pass, already…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Bizlevity News Headlines — 10/14/09

We’ve officially lost our minds in this country.

The Department of Homeland Security has launched a campaign to enlist over three million Girl Scouts to help combat “pandemics, terror attacks and other disasters.”

“Other disasters” include running out of either munchies or sexual fantasies.

Potheads and pedophiles will be instructed to call a special 24-hour hotline and have the local Scoutmaster dispatch an elite team of merit-badge wearing kids to cope with the catastrophe.

Even Dick Cheney wasn’t paranoid enough to think of something this goofy.

Can you imagine how much fear an organized group of soccer moms and kids named Megan will strike in the hearts of al-Qaida?

As soon as bin-Laden stops laughing, he’ll probably release a video to let us know.

The CIA, however, appears keen on the idea. Director Leon Panetta reminded reporters that being locked in a room for 14 hours with a troop of girls saying “She was all, like … then I was like…” and playing Jonas Brother CDs was, in many cases, more effective than waterboarding.

Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano issued the following warning to those who would threaten America:

“As a former Girl Scout, I know the ‘Be Prepared’ motto well, and I look forward to working with the Girl Scouts to spread the preparedness message to all of our nation’s citizens.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to try and find a little better source for emergency readiness than an 8-year old who gets hysterical when she can’t find the right outfit for her Bratz doll.

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Girl Scout constructs modern day Maginot Line against terror

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Homeland Security Enlists Girl Scouts

Hey! We’ve got a contest going on.

And, let’s face it, in this economy who couldn’t use a bunch of books?

Plus, unless you’re paying for your own Tamiflu shot, $75 is nothing to sneeze at, either.

Point being, it’s a win-win-win-win situation.

Win #1: You read the witty and erudite entries which make up this site known as Bizlevity.

Win #2: You enjoy a wry chuckle, outright guffaw or a moment of seething outrage.

Win #3: You show the world your creativity and sense of humor by posting a caption for the following picture in the Comments section of this post.

Win #4: Fame … as the winner of the first ever Bizlevity Caption Contest.

Potential Win #5: One grand prize winner will get a $75 gift certificate for GiftCertificates.com which you can use at your choice of over 200 stores, restaurants and websites … PLUS the prize pack of humor books from our favorite authors including Rob “Diesel” Kroese, Joel Bezaire, and Lyndsey D’Arcangelo.

Four other lucky winners will receive the prize pack of books.

Okay, so it’s a win-win-win-win, potential-win situation.

Our distinguished panel of judges — myself, Mrs. Dr. Jabo and our dog Libby — will pick the winners among the thousands of entries.

In the event of a tie, Libby will make the final decision, so if you can find a way to attach a bacon scent to your caption that would increase your chances of winning.

The final decision on the winning caption will be based on humor, originality, spelling and whatever other criteria we feel like after pounding a few beers.

This could get tricky, since I would probably award points for revealing pictures submitted by Bizlevity’s sexy female readers whereas Mrs. Dr. Jabo would most likely deduct points for such chicanery.

Anyway … below is the picture of Governor Schwarzenegger touring a site of the recent California wildfires for you to caption.

As they say in Japan … ganbatte!

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May the best caption with sexy pictures attached win.

*smack* Ouch!

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Caption Contest Offers Money, Fame

I don’t make any pretense at understanding anything that happens in states south of Tennessee, but I have to admit the idea of fried butter makes perfect sense to me.

If everything tastes better fried … and everything tastes better with butter, then it seems if you just went ahead and fried butter you’d have the culinary equivalent of a threesome with Jessica Alba and Megan Fox.

It’s the kind of ecstasy you can only dream about.

Abel Gonzales Jr. is single-handedly doing his best to turn the obesity epidemic into a global pandemic with a variety of tasty surprises. Abel is the man behind such award-winning culinary inventions as Texas Fried Cookie Dough and the Fried Peanut Butter, Jelly and Banana Sandwich.

His latest concoction, which will be available right next to the defibrillator station at the State Fair of Texas in Dallas during the last week of September, is fried butter.

People planning on attending the fair are advised to use the time between now and then to ask their doctor for blood thinners to make sure you can have one of these heart-stoppingly good treats without falling over on the spot with a massive coronary.

According to Gonzales fried butter is “like a mix between a biscuit or a croissant that is just stuffed to the gills with butter on the inside. I think that’s the best way to describe it.”

Somewhere in France, three thousand classically trained chefs just had a heart attack at the idea of some redneck frying their beloved croissants.

In addition to the plain and garlic-flavored fried butter treats, Gonzales is also planning on offering grape and cherry flavored items. You know, just in case a caravan of hip-hop artists shows up at the Texas State Fair and manage to make it to the food court without getting shot at.

Gonzales is like some kind of mad crazy, deep-frying alchemist and regularly competes at the Texas fair for the annual prize given to the best new food that causes the cholesterol meter to explode.

Last year’s entry, which Gonzales dubbed Fire and Ice, consisted of chunks of deep fried pineapple with strawberry sauce topped with banana-flavored whipped cream which was flash frozen in liquid nitrogen.

“Smoke would come out of your nose or mouth as you exhaled,” Gonzales said. “Kids really loved it. It was something to see.”

Which was all fine and good until some fat kid tipped over on Interstate 30 on the way home and exploded causing a massive traffic jam.

In a related story, Dr. Jack Kevorkian has contacted Abel Gonzales indicating his interest in acquiring the patent to some of Gonzales’ food inventions to be the basis for Kevorkian’s new, all-natural line of assisted suicide devices.

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“Great. I go to jail for assisted suicide, and this guy wins a prize at the state fair…”

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Like Butter, Baby?

They say desperate times call for desperate measures.

Somebody must be reeeallly desperate because this infomercial for Doc Bottoms Aspray pretty much scrapes the um, … bottom of the infomercial barrel.

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Can I buy an ‘S’?
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If you thought it was impossible to make Axe Body Spray look classy — think again.

There’s so much going on in this commercial it’s easy to forget all the reasons why you’d want to carry around a bottle of this stuff instead of just taking a shower once a week.

There’s the Billy-Mays-wannabe announcer who’s more excited about Aspray than a cancer cure. I’m betting “Adam Jay” is just his stage name and he’s really David Hasselhoff’s younger, more annoying brother.

And if you’ve every watched America’s Got No Talent, you can imagine how tough that would be to pull off.

I’m no dating expert, but if I pass by some co-worker’s cubicle and she’s spraying her cho cha like she’s exterminating termites, I’m not even having drinks with her unless I’m wearing a full haz-mat suit.

And what’s with all the hoopla about Aspray being “made in the U.S.A.!”?

So are GM cars and we all know how that’s working out.

Although, I’d consider voting for Harry Reid just to be able to hear someone read into the Congressional Record how we need a couple billion dollars for a Federal ass spray bailout.

As long as the product’s not being made in China, I think you’re probably safe. The Chinese put lead in everything, including their morning coffee.

Of course, Aspray isn’t sold in stores. No one should be submitted to the kind of social ostracism that would occur when everyone in the checkout line tried to figure out why you were picking up the 12-gallon family-size bottle of Asspray er,… Aspray.*

And how did they miss the opportunity to test this do-everything stench eliminator by spraying a random New York City taxicab?

The infomercial does have the now-standard “I’ll double your order free for just shipping and handling” offer. Closer examination of the website will show you the product costs $14.95 and the shipping and handling is $7.95.

Shipping and handling more than 50% of the total cost of the product?! Really? I’m pretty sure you could ship the Sphinx over from Egypt and it wouldn’t come to half of what it cost to build it even in inflated Ancient Egyptian gold pieces and human lives.

The company isn’t even selling the most awesome product featured in the commercial. I’d love to find out where I could get a French blues dress shirt with the Aspray logo — just to watch the double-takes as people squinted trying to read my shirt on the bus.

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I smell a corporate sponsorship opportunity….

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Image: Zuma Press

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* – Special Bizlevity bonus: The best piece we’ve read about why “not sold in stores” isn’t necessarily something to brag about is in an entry entitled Shauna Sand, WW2, Teddy Grahams over at the always spectacular What Would Tyler Durden Do?

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Post from: EveryJoe

Doc Bottoms Cracks Me Up

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World’s First Recipient Of New Jaw And Tongue Smiles

…Then Licks Eyebrows Just To Mess With Everyone

Now, about that frog in my throat….
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Scientists Confirm Reports Of Swine Flu In Turkeys

Country Braces For November Outbreak of Turducken Flu

Oh, my Lord! …the swine flu got the turkey!
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Ms. Venezuela Wins Miss Universe For Second Year In A Row

Strongman Chavez Declares Hot Venezuelan Women A National Resource, Nationalizes All Sexy Latinas for Good of the Country

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AFL-CIO Leader Named To Be Head Of NY Fed

Central Bank To Hire Four Hundred Bankers Who’ll Stand Around And Do Nothing; Fed Won’t Intervene in Markets During 4-Hour Lunch Break

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GM To Remove Logo From Cars

Will Put Toyota Insignia On Cars In Attempt To Get Someone…Anyone…To Buy Their Cars

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GM To Remove Logo From Cars

Company Hopes Government-Made Cars Won’t Take On Same Cachet As Government Cheese

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Officials Give Go-Ahead For Wal-Mart Near Civil War Battlefield

Civil War Buffs Protest; Generals Grant and Lee Surprisingly Unmoved By Controversy

Yankee Soldiers Aim To Take Out Rebel Sign Advertising Everyday Low Prices
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Elizabeth Edwards To Open Furniture Store In North Carolina

Store Will Specialize in Futons, Pull-Out Couches For Den And, Surprisingly, Doghouses

“I’m not just a husband, I’m also a customer…”
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Elizabeth Edwards To Open Furniture Store In North Carolina

One Day Only Lorena Bobbit Sale Offers Women Free Scissors With Every Futon Purchase

Scissors can also be used to shred unwanted sex tapes…
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Images: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Business News Headlines — 08/25/2009

A new study by Pear Analytics weighs in on the heretofore fruitless debate about how much of Twitter is “pointless babble” and how much of it is actually “inane drivel.”

A bunch of dudes at Pear Analytics apparently did some kind of pseudo-scientific classification of 2000 Twitter tweets over a two-week term of time, classifying all the accepted tweets into six “buckets” — kind of like how you sort your garbage into various recycling bins.

The group divided tweets into six categories: News, Spam, Self-Promotion, Pointless Babble, Conversational and Pass-Along Value.

If you were pointlessly babbling about self-promoting your new personal care products home business, the ultimate category your tweet fell into was probably decided by a furious game of rock/paper/scissors among the gathered marketing mavens.

The result was a well-written white paper on what you already knew. Twitter is simple fun and a colossal waste of time. It’s the online equivalent of taking a tour through a bumper sticker factory.

Sure, you’ll find some clever one-liners, but most of it is just self-aggrandizing blather about stuff that only proud parents of honor students at the Vapid Valley Prep School care about — at least until their kid graduates or gets picked up for possession with intent to distribute.

I get that every marketing study can’t be a treatise by B.F. Skinner the same way every novel can’t be Les Miserables, but there has to be something else to do with your day rather than analyze silly things to death.

What’s next? A four-year study on why people like picnics or having sex?

I think I read someplace that there’s a statistic that says 96.4% of people would enjoy sex at a picnic — as long as it wasn’t in front of their aunt.

With their uncle.

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It’s time for a study because I’ve got a theory AnnaLynne McCord would be fun at a picnic … even if my aunt was watching.

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

How Much Of Twitter Is ‘Pointless Babble’?

Brooklyn Brewery brewmaster (and President of the Alliterative Job Description Coalition) Garret Oliver is a man with a dream.

A dream which, if successful, could result in Oliver being declared President for Life of the United Nations and having 80% of the male children born on Earth being named “Garret.”

You see, Garret Oliver is attempting the brewing equivalent of the Triple Lindy. He is doggedly (pig-headedly?) pursuing the goal of producing a good-tasting, bacon-flavored beer.

It’s enough to make you switch from Orthodox to Reform Judaism.

The plan is to use a special flavored malt which was smoked in the same room as bacon from bacon-master Allan Benton.

Benton was awarded the SFA Lifetime Achievement Award in 2007 for his contributions to artisanal ham and bacon production so his pork chops are well established.

Brewmaster Oliver plans include infusing a brown ale with bacon flavor through a technique known as “fat washing.” The brown ale will be aged in bourbon barrels (can this get any better?!) and will eventually be mixed with a the bacon-flavored malt to create a bacon beer … or the beginning of a rainbow.

Oliver is sanguine about his chances of success and says of his endeavor, “Either this will be the most amazingly disgusting thing you’ve ever tasted in your life. Or I shall rule the earth.”

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Maybe Bacon-flavored beer isn’t such a good idea….

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Image: Zuma Press

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A toast to Mindy Yang (godolcevita on Twitter) for the tip on this story.

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Post from: EveryJoe

Brooklyn Brewery Set For World Domination

Unless someone can come up with a more ridiculous excuse for criminal behavior, I’m going to go ahead and award Keith Griffin the 2009 Lame Excuse of the Year Award for his explanation of why he had over 1,000 images of kiddie porn on his computer.

Griffin said his cat jumped on his keyboard while he was downloading music. Griffin claims he then left the room and when he came back there were “strange things” on his computer.

Don’t let anyone tell you they don’t have a crackerjack police force in Jensen Beach, Florida because they weren’t buying Griffin’s excuse. Griffin is now in jail on $250,000 bail on child porn charges.

Meanwhile, inside sources claim Griffin is explaining why he was half naked by accusing the cat of tricking him into taking off his pants by telling him there was a hole in the back of them.

The cat has retained its own lawyer and is refusing to purr with authorities.

The cat is also being sued by the RIAA for illegal music piracy and is being held without catnip at the local animal shelter.

There are a number of lessons to be gleaned from this story. First, never trust a dude with a cat. You never know what kind of sick plans they’re cooking up together.

Second, if a guy looks like this…

…he probably did it.

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Dude, you’re being busted on child porn charges. The least you can do is wear a shirt for the mugshot.

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Oh! Well I never was there ever a cat so clever…

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Image: Martin County Sheriff’s Office / August 7, 2009
Image: Zuma Press

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http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/sfl-cat-downloads-porn-bn080709,0,6415792.story

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/sfl-cat-downloads-porn-bn080709,0,6415792.story

Post from: EveryJoe

Great Moments In Dumb Excuse History