RESULTS
Mr. Kennedy def. Paul Birchill
Mickie James def. Beth Phoenix in a non-title match.
John Cena def. John “Bradshaw: Layfield
Chris Jericho smashes Shawn Michaels’ face into a TV in a Highlight Reel segment
Umaga and Snitsky def. Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes in a non-title match
Cryme Tyme def. Santino Marella and Carlito
Jeff Hardy def. Triple H by count out in a non-title match

COMMENTARY
Was tonight really “all about the money” or were there some good wrestling matches? Before RAW started we had hoped that Vince McMahon would pull out all the stops for this episode. We thought that we’d get near pay-per-view caliber matches and great between-match drama since the stated intention of this Million Dollar Mania show was to bring in new RAW viewers. Were we right?

Once Vince announced the password, WWE Universe, and that he was giving out $200,000 RAW got right into a moderately interesting feud: Mr. Kennedy vs. Paul Birchill. The action was good and the Katie Lea-slapping-Kennedy was cool but I couldn’t get into it as much as we wanted. We were still distracted by whether or not Vince would call.

The next match was more or the same. It was a terrific WWE Divas match between the champ Mickie James and Beth Phoenix, the best women’s wrestler by far. After James pinned Phoenix Melina came out and feverishly attacked the Glamazon. It should have been fun but we were still thinking about the money.

The money-centric theme didn’t change. Either before or after every segment or match Vince gave away money. This consisted of the chairman slowly dialing the phone numbers like your aging grandparent often hitting the wrong buttons and having to start again. There were busy signals and the first callee actually Rickrolled Vince!

As the show went on there seemed to be more and more time dedicated to the giveaways. One especially long segment received a rain of boos and boooo-ring chants from the audience. The chairman’s son-in-law Triple H even derisively called him Monty Hall. Both the excited Oakland crowd and Triple H seemed a little perturbed that RAW had sunk to be all about the money. It should be all about the wrestling, right?

If Jerry “The King” Lawler’s declaration that 1.5 million people signed up for the Million Dollar contest then so far the giveaway must be seen as a failure. Even with the ratings decline RAW still draws more than 1.5 million weekly. The entry number reveals no demonstrative gain; maybe the shows ratings will be up. Up enough to excuse the raw desperation, the pathetic pandering, and the descent of RAW into game show territory? Not in our book.

This should have been a great night of RAW. The matches were great and the performers put in terrific efforts. The wrestling show shouldn’t have had to take a backseat to a glorified lottery.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

Magnificent Matches or McMahon’s Million Dollar Mania?

HOUR ONE RESULTS
Cousin Sal def. Santino Marella
Natalya wins the 7-woman Golden Dreams Match
Vladimir Kozlov def. Jimmy Wang Yang
Batista, Nunzio, Funaki, and Colin Delaney def. Edge, Zack Ryder, Chavo Guerrero, and Curt Hawkins

MATCH #3
Cousin Sal enters the ring dressed in a kilt accompanied by Roddy Piper and Jimmy Kimmel. When Cousin Sal reveals his “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” singlet Mick Foley says this match could set SmackDown back a decade. We hate cross promotion. That said, if anyone wants me to promote anything on www.jabandgrapple.com I will shill ceaselessly.

It’s really a shame that Marella has become what Jim Cornette labeled him as: a comedy JOB. I like Santino’s act and this Cousin Sal match was an unfunny disgrace.

What is funny is the next between match segment where The Miz and Morrison are picking on Hornswaggle. Finlay gallantly intervenes while the wee leprechaun shoots the Tag Team champs with a super soaker. After the water-spraying fun we learn that Chavo Guerrero will be Edge’s best man.

MATCH #4
This bout, dubbed the Golden Dreams Match, pitts seven WWE divas in a race to grab the golden star which is perched about seven feet above a corner ring post. The winner will earn a spot in a the match for the new SmackDown Divas championship. This match is pure catfight fun but sadly lasts for a shorter span than the Divas’ entrance times. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart’s daughter Natalya grabs the star on looks to be on the fast route to women’s wrestling stardom.

MATCH #5
Continuing the night’s two-minutes-or-less match theme Vladimir Kozlov brutalizes the much smaller Jimmy Wang Yang. Please put him against somebody good. Please!

MATCH #6
Tonight’s main event is the entire La Familia versus Batista and Vickie Guerrero’s choice of partners. Those unfortunate three turn out to be the very petite triad of Nunzio, Funaki, and Colin Delaney. Together those three might weigh as much as Batista’s partner at last week’s SmackDown: Big Show. Will Batista make a tag in this match? It’s doubtful. If Batista loses this match then he won’t get a title opportunity against Edge.

But Batista does tag and we’re provided with the night’s first bit of excitement when the Animal tosses Delaney into Chavo Guerrero. Delaney is now getting bullied by La Familia. I think he might even be crying. Could Cousin Sal defeat Colin Delaney? Probably. Now it’s Funaki’s turn for a beatdown. La Familia obliges. This match is cruel. Not just to the tiny wrestlers but also to the viewer.

The camera keeps panning over to Batista and I keep wondering how his skin is so taut and are his squiggly veins actually ringworms? Funaki makes the tag and Batista is going wild. We get about 25 seconds of terrific action and hard fighting from Batista and the tiny three as they fend off the Edgeheads long enough for the Animal to Batista Bomb Zack Ryder, earn the pin, and a probable title shot.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE SmackDown 6/7 Hour Two: Batista and the Three Dwarfs

Don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoyed last night’s RAW. However, this month’s community blog post here at b5 media is “The Worst” so I’ll be scouring each match and segment on RAW to determine what was “The Worst”. I’ll also balance it with “The Best”.

Segment winners in italics. At the end of the article we’ll crown our definitive Worst and Best of the June 2 WWE Monday Night RAW.

SEGMENT #1
Triple H, John Cena, Jeff Hardy and Vince McMahon discuss who will face HHH at the Night of Champions.

The Worst Nominees: HHH’s theme music (always bad); HHH making fun of Randy Orton’s broken collarbone; Vince McMahon’s kooky and confusing memory loss gimmick.
The Best Nominees: John Cena’s great stage presence (bringing up Nostradamus, Dr. Emmett Brown, Miss Cleo, and John Edward); Jeff Hardy’s inclusion in the title shot contenders; The Jeff Hardy replica armbands that so many audience members are wearing.

SEGMENT #2
Mr. Kennedy def. Umaga
The Worst Nominees: Paul Birchill cowardly ducking Mr. Kennedy; Katie Lea Birchill’s velvet costume; Birchill’s predictable post-match sneak attack.
The Best Nominees: Kennedy calling William Regal a “little British pansy”; The “I Wish Katie Lea Was My Sister” sign; Lawler’s “Katie Lea must be a fast learner” comment.

SEGMENT #3
Vince McMahon announces his $1,000,000 plans
The Worst Nominees: Vince’s bad acting and disingenuous amazement at the look of $1M; Vince’s increasingly growly voice; The incorrect belief that people need free money to watch the WWE.
The Best Nominees: Vince’s saying that the contest winner had to be an American citizen and that that might be difficult here in Bakersfield, Calif.; Vince correctly calling the WWE a cross-section of America; Vince’s call to bring back past wrestling fans; The class warfare angle “those who insult wrestling don’t get it and look down on you”.

SEGMENT #4
Santino Marella and Carilto def. Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes
The Worst Nominees: Non-title matches; Roddy Piper misuse as time keeper; Roddy Piper’s shirtlessness;
The Best Nominees: King to JR: “The last time you opened up your wallet Ric Flair was voted best newcomer.”; Santino insulting Jimmy Kimmel using gimmicks of other late-night hosts; Change: Cody Rhodes possibly breaking up with Holly and joining other next generation wrestler Ted DiBiase, Jr.

SEGMENT #5
Chris Jericho def. JBL
The Worst Nominees: JBL’s boring wrestling style; Jericho’s weird need to show mercy to his competitors angle; More fake JBL blood.
The Best Nominees: Jericho’s promise to defend the InterContinental Title as much as possible; Y2J’s acrobatics; The crowd’s bloodlust and desire to see more pain inflicted on JBL.

SEGMENT #6
Beth Phoenix and Katie Lea Birchill def. Melina and Mickie James
The Worst Nominees: This match’s abrupt end (I was really getting into it); Katie Lea’s gawkiness; The Mr. Kennedy-Birchill feud overshadowing the good women’s match and Melina-Phoenix feud.
The Best Nominees: Melina’s epic yearning desire to attack Beth Phoenix and her subsquent feverish hair-pulling; Mickie James’ perky acrobatic and excitable style;The beatdown Phoenix puts on Melina.

SEGMENT #7 and #8
Lance Cade def. Trevor Murdoch
John Cena and Mickie James talk in the training room while HHH watches TV in the locker room
The Worst Nominees: Cryme Tyme extraneously eying up the $1M; The WWE’s crashed internet server due to overwhelming $1M applicants; Trevor Murdoch’s singing; The crass Mickie James’ panties joke; HHH’s crotch shot
The Best Nominees: The breakup of a successful tag team and the resulting feud; Their apparent disdain for each other (just wish I could get more excited about this one); The commercial for the forthcoming The Rock 3-DVD set; John Cena and Mickie James do look cute together.

SEGMENT #9
John Cena def. Jeff Hardy for the right to face HHH at the Night of Champions PPV.
The Worst Nominees: A dude from the audience actually made it past the security and into the ring and seriously killed the momentum of what could have been a great match; We love Cena but we wanted new blood going for the title; The mid-match commercial shortened an already shortened match.
The Best Nominees: A dude from the audience actually made it past the security and into the ring and the crowd cheered him wildly; Hardy and Cena showed great professionalism when they visibly laugh at the guy and are forced to delay their match until he’s removed from the arena; JR and Lawler do a great job joking about the ring interloper: The King evokes an image of JR streaking and they reckon the $1M promise has driven the crowd crazy.

The WORST of RAW: Has to be the crass Mickie James panties joke from Segment #8. In Segment #3 Vince talked about how he wanted to bring back people who grew up watching wrestling and for some reason stopped. For me that reason was the unnecessary inclusion of sexual gags and a loss of the 1980’s innocence. If I had been tuning in anew for the $1M that joke might have turned me off for good.

The BEST of RAW: We’ll say the breakup of Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes that was hinted at in Segment #4. We want a change from the stagnant matchups more than anyone and a stable/alliance of second (and third) generation wrestlers like Rhodes and DiBiase, Jr. would be great.

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE Monday Night RAW June 2: The Worst

So when we saw he was the subject of the Baltimore Sun’s Ring Posts blog’s most recent Q&A we were ecstatic and eager to find out what Santino’s like outside of the WWE. No such luck there. Santino does the whole interview IN CHARACTER! Considering Beth Phoenix’s recent in-character interview to the Miami Herald perhaps the fiction/reality blurring will become the norm. Marella’s Q&A is a far cry from the straight, fact-based interview he did for canoe.ca a few months ago.

I’m not going to spoil some of Santino’s revelations, click over to the site, but Sun writer Kevin Eck ends the interview by telling Santino that “I can honestly say this is one of the most entertaining interviews I’ve ever done.” Marella responds with “Thank you, Kevin. It was a real pleasure for you to talk to me.”

Post from: EveryJoe

The Dichotomy of Santino Marella

Image details: A Conversation with Mr. Warmth.Don Rickles served by picapp.com

Monday Night Raw: The Pit of the Piper

Before the match begins Ted “The Million Dollar Man” DiBiase interrupts Vince McMahon’s meeting with an exercising William Regal. Clearly DiBiase’s son’s recent entry into the WWE means that his dad wasn’t far behind. Now it all makes sense. Ted and Regal will be engaged in a RAW GM power play. Regal’s malevolent megalomania was getting tired anyway.

Next up is Roddy Piper’s return to Piper’s Pit. But no, it’s Santino Marella wonderfully dressed as Roddy with a big stomach and a bad hairpiece. His jokes are terrific but calling Adrian Adonis a “fat transvestite” is crossing the line.

We see the “Jimmy the Kimmel” highlights again of Santino, Roddy Piper, and Jimmy’s Cousin Sal exchanging slaps at at Hooters. Roddy appears, endowment jokes are made, cakes are thrown in faces and Cousin Sal gets a match with Santino. Which is an odd end to a funny segment. D-level celebrity vs. Pro wrestler matches never work out well. We want Roddy vs. Marella! Which we think we probably happen anyway.

Segment Grade: B before the match announcement; C+ after

Post from: EveryJoe

May 19 Monday Night Raw: The Pit of the Piper

The Setup\\r\\nThere\\\’s some big bad out-of-control bullying going on. For the third(!) week in a row RAW General Manager William Regal is angry about being disrespected. This time, instead of turning out the lights, he\\\’s kicking out a random pair in the audience. Miraculously, he picks out Mickie James\\\’ brother and sister to toss. Evidently they\\\’ve made the trek to Detroit from Richmond, Va. Gas prices be damned.\\r\\n\\r\\nMickie James doth protest the ejection. After she balks at her own Regal-dictated dismissal he angrily tells her \\\”What part of get out of the ring don\\\’t you understand?\\\” (Nominee #1 for best line of the night) Who will help poor Mickie? Will her recently-earned title be stripped?\\r\\n\\r\\nNo sir. John Cena\\\’s unmistakable \\\”The Time is Now\\\” theme music chimes in. Chivalry is not dead. John Cena is back. Thank heavens. He speaks for all WWE fans when he tells Regal he\\\’s gone over the line. Regal reminds us that Vince McMahon supported him last week.\\r\\n\\r\\nCena quickly retorts, \\\”Vince McMahon is insane. He talks to himself. A lot\\\” (Nominee #2) and then proceeds to read some hilarious anti-Regal emails. Our favorite comes from Logan from Portland \\r\\n\\r\\n\\\”(Regal\\\’s light turning off) is bad. WCW Thunder bad.\\\” (Nominee #3)\\\” He wants a mandated arena chant \\\”Fire regal clap clap clapclapclap. Fire Regal clap clap clapclapclap.\\\” Cena\\\’s comedic timing is perfect. We have missed him a great deal. He\\\’ll face Randy Orton tonight in the main event. Regal guarantees no interference. We can\\\’t wait. A+ intro\\r\\n\\r\\nEarly Fireworks\\r\\nBefore we can catch our commercial breath the broadcast jumps straight into a tag team title match between the team of Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes facing Santino Marella and Carlito. Rowdy Roddy Piper is sitting at ringside ready to stir up his growing beef with Marella. Marella mouths off to Piper regularly enough to drop the match for his team. Lose the dead weight Santino and fight the Rodster. Everyone loves personality. Segment Grade: C+\\r\\n\\r\\nMr. Kennedy is grappling next. He repeats his name about thirty times. He\\\’s fighting Snitsky, who is like Kane only without the effusive personality and paler. We wish he were facing the guy in the front row dressed like Hulk Hogan. Kennedy wins proving that brown teeth and lily white skin do not equate to a promising pro wrestling career. Segment Grade: D\\r\\n\\r\\nWe were right. The Santino-Roddy brawl is a-brewing and Santino is ready. \\\”Roddy the piper. this is not the 80\\\’s. Michael J. Fox is not going back in time to become a werewolf. (Nominee #4) Rodney the piper I\\\’m a coming after you.\\\” Also brewing, a Mickie James – John Cena romance. Cena\\\’s going out for drinks with her after the match but as he explains \\\”you go out with me, sometimes it\\\’s a wild night.\\\” We can imagine. Segments Grade: B\\r\\n\\r\\n Part One, The Glorious Return of John Cena\\r\\nPart Two, The Glorious Return of Jeff Hardy\\r\\nPart Three, The Glorious Return of the Steel Cage\\r\\n\\r\\nPhoto Source: Newscom.com\\r\\n\\r\\n

Post from: EveryJoe

Monday Night Raw: The Glorious Return of John Cena

Regal comes out and turns the lights off again to a chorus of “Regal sucks” chants. He promises to do the entire show in “internal” darkness, which might not be eternal but makes sense somehow. Mr. Kennedy shows up with a silly amount of facial stubble. Regal reminds everyone that “I will not be disrespected!” and orders Kennedy to fight entire ECW in the main event. We hope he bloodies Kennedy’s lip again. He doesn’t, instead choosing to tell us again that “I will not be disrespected.”

Triple H appears presumably to do some disrespecting. But no, he’s still angry for being disrespected. Very angry. He thinks Regal has “declared war on him” by pulling the plug last week. Regal, of course, informs Triple H that he’s joining Mr. Kennedy in the fight-the-whole ECW match. Sounds a little gimmicky and anticlimactic to us.

The Prelims:
The WWE women’s championship is on the line in a lumberjack match, giving the lovely divas another chance to appear en masse. The ersatz spotted owl exterminators do a healthy amount of outside-the-ring scrapping and camera posing. We love it! When the action focus inside the ring on the Beth Phoenix – Mickie James match we are bored. Mickie James wins with a successful inside cradle.

Paul Burchill and his “sister” Katie Lea are set to face some anonymous Canadian. Regal returns Mike Adamle to the announcer’s booth and Jim Ross is grumpily forced to the sidelines. Luckily the match is over quickly and we don’t have to listen to Adamle for much longer. Did you know Adamle played in the NFL for six years? Hard to believe.

The Build-Up:
Shawn Michaels is forced to team with his half-hearted rival Chris Jericho against WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz and John Morrison. If Regal were to turn the lights off during this match the collective glitter on the four competitors’ pants would sufficiently illuminate the Air Canada Centre. Michaels chooses not to tag during the entire match because of bum knee but it’s his well-timed sweet chin music that send Morrison to the canvas for good. Michaels drags his knee back to the locker room. It’s a wonder he can even walk.

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton. Wrestler vs. rassler, exciting vs. boring, jumper vs. stomper, ECW vs. WWE, pale skin vs. baby-oiled tan body, career riser vs. nepotist. It’s a welcome budding rivalry but not that exciting a match. Regal agrees, enters and turns the lights off. Match over.

Highlight of the broadcast so far: a terrific Carlito’s Cantina with Rowdy Roddy Piper and Santino Marella. They trade insults the best being Roddy telling Santino to “get a designated driver.” The segment ends with Cryme Tyme and Cody Rhodes doing a pro-Piper hip hop chant while Roddy does a joyous Irish jig. Hilarious stuff.

Before JBL beats D.H. Smith to a pulp he shows us the inside of his limo, flashes his crotch for a painful 20 seconds or so, calls Canada a toilet bowl, and steps over the line with some repulsive Hart Foundation insults. We didn’t think it was possible but we hate him even more.

The Main Event:
Thirteen (or is it fourteen) ECW competitors proves too much as Chavo Guerrero pins Mr. Kennedy after a Kane chokeslam. Then the fun starts. Triple H starts attacking everyone, the ECW teammates attack each other and then Triple H. A steel chair is brought in, somehow Triple H gets it and starts going wild and then, and then my DVR cuts off because we’ve reached the alotted 9:00 – 11:05 broadcast. ARRRGGGGGHHHH. The show really does go on this time; it’s not a repeat of last week.

Luckily I also watched live and at the DVR-cutoff moment William Regal (presumably) cuts the lights. Again. It’s pitch black in the Air Canada Centre. Chaos, madness, mystery. The lights return and it’s just Triple H and RANDY ORTON! in the ring. Jim Ross asks “Where did Orton come from?” We wonder “where did the entire ECW go?” Orton swiftly RKO’s Triple H and stands over his prone adversary with unconvincing menace. Ross calls him “evil”. Great, great ending.

Post from: EveryJoe

Monday Night Raw: “Before We Turn Off the Lights” Edition

Image details: Boxer Scott Harrison Released From Spanish Jail served by picapp.com

OK, maybe stun isn’t the right word. I mean, who doesn’t like to celebrate May Day? Evidently not the jovial Italian (OK, Canadian) pro wrestling heel Santino Marella (real name Anthony Carelli) and former WBO featherweight champion Scott Harrison. Both have been pulled over in the past week on suspicion of drunk driving.

The Wrestling World News reported that Marella was arrested outside Tampa, Florida at 2:57 a.m. His blood alcohol level was reportedly a paltry .061, .02 lower than the legal limit. With a good lawyer Marella shouldn’t be in too much trouble.

Harrison on the other hand is in deeper water. The Times of London reports that the 30-year-old British former champion who has battled alcohol abuse in the past and spent time in a Spanish jail was “arrested on suspicion of drink-driving” and “had a 15-year-old girl in the car with him when he was stopped.” Underage girl half your age + drunk driving = bad news.

Post from: EveryJoe

Drunk Driving Incidents Stun Pro Wrestling and Boxing Worlds

In other Backlash match bookings the slow buildup between Shawn Michaels and Batista continued on Raw and their match at Backlash has now been officially announced.

In other Raw matches Santino Marella and Carlito defeated tag champs Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes in a non-title match, Paul London and Brian Kendrick topped Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Beth Phoenix defeated Maria in singles action, Ashley and Mickie James beat Melina and Jillian, and Umaga decimated Val Venis.

Post from: EveryJoe

Backlash Takes Shape on Raw

Also being hyped for tonights edition of Raw is the appearance of HBK and Batista on Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel as well as the continuation of the Maria-Santino feud.

Post from: EveryJoe

Orton’s Backlash Opponent Announced Tonight on Raw