I mean, I’m not about to stop you if you buy it, but Mr Parish will not be held responsible for your loss of money or equilibrium. Commando: Steel Disaster, which previously looked like a cute shooter, still looks like a cute shooter. But looks can be deceiving, friend.

“See, it’s funny that it’s called Steel Disaster, because it’s both stolen and a disaster.” – Nich Maragos

Reportedly, Commando: Steel Disaster lifts a lot from its adoptive daddy, Metal Slug. You shoot shoot shoot and the bad guys shoot shoot shoot and whoever remains standing is the winner—until the next bad guy materalises. Repeat several hundred times. But unlike Metal Slug, Commando: Steel Disaster omitted balanced gameplay. Oops.

From GameSpite:

“Commando makes a crucial mistake that SNK never did: its levels are endless. They seriously go on and on, and you have a single life to make it through them before you can continue. I tried several times and couldn’t even make it through the first mission. I think maybe I was close to the end, but there’s no way to tell. You die, you’re booted back to the title screen. No checkpoints, no second chances, just ten minutes of marathon shooting — all lost to a couple of unlucky hits.”

Well, I guess we all dodged a bullet—or several thousand in this case. It’s not like there’s going to be a lack of titles for the Nintendo DS this holiday season, but I still feel a bit bad for Commando: Steel Disaster. I’ll have to look it up when I get to the white elephant portion of my Christmas List.

(Also, never trust anything Parish says. Ever. If you see him running away and screaming about a tidal wave? You just plant your ass right there and cross your arms and say, “No sir, I will not be fooled AAAAARGHEGARGLEGARGLE—” ::Drown::)

Post from: EveryJoe

Oh Wait, Screw Commando: Steel Disaster

So let’s counter those bite-sized curses with a great parody. Video game-related humour is thick on the Internet, but rarely are the production values worth talking about. That changes now.

Post from: EveryJoe

“Finish Him…if you know what I mean.”

One aspect of handheld gaming I really need more exposure in is homebrew, because God knows it’s a huge part of the portable experience.

Nintendo and Sony aren’t exactly cheerleaders for the homebrew movement; they probably feel much the same way as a father who gave their son a toolkit as a present, only to watch him start drilling holes in the grandfather clock to see what makes it tick.

But just as that renegade kid will doubtlessly be driven to put together some fascinating thingamajigs (against all the blueprints and notes his father pushes upon him), homebrewers put together some lovely adaptations of popular titles as well as their own constructs.

DS Fanboy asks its readers if there’s any particular adaptation gamers would like to see on the DS. Cave Story is coming closer to completion, or so the whispering winds tell me. What kind of titles would make you happy?

(Oh uh and I suppose that a “homebrewer” would make his or her own game, whereas someone who adapts a premade game to a console isn’t a homebrewer but…something else. What? Probably a “pirate” depending on whom you ask.)

Cave Story image courtesy of Pixel

Post from: EveryJoe

DS Homebrew: What’s Your Poison?

My fellow blogger and trusted bank-robbing assistant Bob Mackey recently vented his frustrations about Final Fantasy IV DS’ twisted idea of a challenge.

It’s an interesting read because I agree with it. As far as challenge goes, I think that Final Fantasy IV DS is mostly balanced. Mostly. Enemies are craftier, but you have a map system that rewards you for exploration. Magic spells hit harder, but you can multicast Shell and Protect. Bosses whip out twisted counters the likes of which the civilised world has never seen, but almost every single baddie is vulnerable to “Slow” (and if a boss decides to counter by casting Slow on you, get ready for the most exciting event since the unveiling of your grandfather’s headstone).

But when Final Fantasy IV DS does decide to give it to you up the bum, let me tell you, you will take it hard.

I will admit that a whiny “That’s not fair!” didn’t escape my lips until I took on the Giant of Babel’s CPU. True to the original game, the Giant is powered by a, uh, big black ball and two little black balls(!) designated as the Attack Node and Defence Node.

The original strategy involved killing the Defence Node first, since it could heal the CPU for 9999 HP. However, Final Fantasy IV DS mixed our shit up by making the Defence Node a feeble piece of garbage. In turn, it amped the power of the Attack Node considerably. One hit from the Attack Node would literally wipe out my party. I was never given a chance to even defend or cast Shell.

It turns out the attack order of the Nodes is completely random, so the “strategy” is to keep dying and retrying until you get a chance to waste a Fuma Shiryuken on the Attack Node and wipe it out. Fabulous!

Mackey mentions the frustration of slogging through the lunar core. The lunar core has always always been a big silver bitch to get through, particularly the delightful bit that throws bosses at you for random encounters. Personally, I’ve been taking on Final Fantasy IV DS’ lunar core the same way I always have: like it’s a college thesis. I slowly pillage the dragon-guarded chests. I study every enemy movement. I knock down the jerks guarding the weapons that belong to me.

Slowly but surely, the endgame is getting done. It’s something to play while I get cosy for bed and wait to get sleepy. I won’t be finishing it anytime soon, in other words.

The sheer difficulty of the enemies in the lunar core is a valid complaint, though. There is a trick to the dragons: omnicast berserk, then blink. That way the delightful lizards can’t spam Thermal Ray or Icestorm–oh wait, you missed the omnicast augment? Sucks to be you.

That, ultimately, is where Final Fantasy IV DS’ challenge drifts from “manageable” to “fuck this noise:” the augment system. Giving augments to characters who leave your party will result in better augments for your permanent characters, but there is absolutely nothing in the game that tells you as much. I discovered it through a message board thread. Furthermore, if this is your first playthrough of Final Fantasy IV, you have no idea who’s going to die.

On the other hand, I’ve heard from first-timers that Final Fantasy IV DS isn’t so difficult because they’re not carrying any pre-conceived notions of how enemies should be acting.

Matrix, go stand in the corner and think about all this. No, put your plans for Final Fantasy VI DS away. I have to talk to your father first. You have potential, but lack focus. And mercy.

(Image copyright Square-Enix)

Post from: EveryJoe

Should We F the Moon or Just Gently Caress It?

I don’t see anything controversial about listening to some good ol’ soul-affirming music. Nor do I see a problem with rolling half-naked in the streets to said music like mange-afflicted dogs on meth.

If you’re only interested in the video’s sleeze factor, hit the jump for a handy director’s cut.

Note to Toronto’s homeless: put away the whistle and pick up the DS. I will pay you so much to initiate a love-in with Guitar Hero: On Tour. I’ve already heard all your Rapture rants. It’s time for some new material.

According to today’s edition of “Street Economy,” one shopping cart with three good wheels and an intact child seat will net you the upper half of a used DS. Come on, keep reaching for that rainbow. Think profits.

Post from: EveryJoe

Mega64’s “ESRB Rejected” Ad

The DS is a very JRPG-heavy system, which is both a dandy and tiresome trait. In fact, the state of the RPG genre on the DS resembles the Great Valley from The Land Before Time; a flourishing streak of hopeful green in a hostile world. The world within the borders is small, but healthy and happy.

However, with prosperity comes overcrowding and the necessity to eat one’s own offspring. RPGs are not capable of consumption, but they can spawn imitators faster than a jackrabbit orgy. For every truly original RPG, there are about ten that need to crawl into the thicket and die.

At the very least, it would be nice if developers had the courtesy to recognise and avoid cliches. Parodies are kosher as well, but they rarely show up in the RPG genre, which is treated solely as Serious Business.

Essential reading for all RPG developer of every nation: Kombo’s Top 15 RPG Cliches That Need To Go Away.

The list covers a lot of the mistakes made by both JRPG and Western RPG developers. Some are debatable: I know a number of crazy people who adore level grinding. Admittedly, I find it kind of a relaxing way to pass a rainy afternoon. I also kind of like scripted battles you’re forced to lose (#11) because I know enough that when I’m terribly outclassed, it’s a sign for me to lay down my arms and slack off for once. Of course, if I do as much and I am legitimately killed, the horrible, cold nausea that sweeps over me as I realise I actually have to defeat Jerkwad the Mighty is not nice.

Strangely enough, the list doesn’t include the most hated of RPG cliches: the random encounter. There is no discernible reason for random encounters to exist anymore. I’m even torn on their existence in classic remakes like Final Fantasy IV DS. I just…

Hate…

Them.

Why don’t we just bring back the my-turn your-turn fighting scheme from Dragon Warrior, too?

Fah. Fah, I say.

Post from: EveryJoe

Top 15 RPG Cliches

Hey, know what you can do when you’re stuck on a train? You can play your DS!

And…you…

Can play your DS.

I made some significant progress on Final Fantasy IV DS. For example, I learned that Leviathan is a son of a bitch (son of a…whale? Son of a hydra?) and I’m far too low in level to take him down.

Just you wait, you slippery and noble Turd of the Sea. I’ve got a Thundaga bolt with your name on it. Just as soon as Rydia stops lying down like a dog every time you spam Tsunami.

Oh, and the music that accompanies the Land of the Summoned Monsters (sigh…the Feymarch) is a suitably eerie listen when you’re barreling around the moonlit lakes and fields of New York State.

Oh God, did I just say something bordering on the profound?

(Image copyright Square Enix)

Post from: EveryJoe

My Moving DS Experience

I’ll be attending Otakon in Baltimore. It stands for otaku convention, you know.

This means I’ll be updating sporadically for the rest of the week, though I will try to keep on top of things because I adore you all so very much. I’ll also say this much: I’m going to have a hell of an opportunity to try and get ahead in Final Fantasy IV. Finally.

Behave!

Post from: EveryJoe

Vay-Kay

You deserve a break today. Go ahead and play with the Lifesigns Manga Creator.

I never played Lifesigns: Hospital Affairs for the Nintendo DS. You probably didn’t, either. Lifesigns re-defined simulator games in its native Japan, but it was dismissed as a Trauma Center also-ran in America.

Reportedly, the games don’t play much alike (Lifesigns has more emphasis on story, Trauma Center on surgery and raping you with said surgery) and it was actually Lifesigns that inspired Trauma Center…not the other way around.

We can sit here and play the blame game all day, or we can get down to some serious creative works.

You can do better. I know others have done better. Check out my personal journal for free-running unbridled awesome.

Please note that you can turn your comic into an E-card to send your grandmother. Use this knowledge well.

Post from: EveryJoe

Lifesigns Manga Cretor: Acute Anime Overdose

The Telegraph launched its new game page with some insight on game designer Shigeru Miyamoto and some sales figures for the Wii and Nintendo DS.

(Hint: they print money.)

Miyamoto also doled out some advice for game developers aspiring for his special brand of fairy magic: “[You] should be looking at humans.”

People watching is actually a fantastic pastime for creative types. Veteran writers often tell stuck writers to do the same. If you can’t get the voice right on a character, or if everything he’s saying sounds like it was written on the blister card for an Action Man!! figurine, pack up your laptop and get the Christ over to a coffee shop. Listen to what people say. Even seemingly yawn-worthy middle class soccer mommies suddenly have fascinating lives when you listen to them.

Just…don’t get arrested.

Miyamoto has never been shy about applying his imagination to everyday drudgery and that’s arguably what puts his games above the rest over two decades later.

“What if, on a crowded street, you look up and see something appear that should not, given what we know, be there. You either shake your head and dismiss it, or you accept that there is much more to the world than we think. Perhaps it really is a doorway to another place. If you choose to go inside you may find many unexpected things.”

(Image copyright Nintendo)

Post from: EveryJoe

Miyamoto Recommends People Watching