I hope I don’t have to tell you that everyone in Hollywood is insane and completely out of touch with any kind of reality that affects normal people.

The latest example is that, according to her agent, Paula Abdul is “hurt” and “angry” that the producers of American Idol haven’t renewed her contract.

This is what’s known in show business as “negotiating.” As an agent you have to pretend that your client has oodles of other job offers that will pay her $25 million a year to clap like a seal, spout complete gibberish and dress like a little girl who pulled her clothes out of a trunk in the attic for an imaginary tea party.

In every major city in the country there’s a school teacher paying for supplies out of his or her own pocket to teach poor kids how to read and yet here we are arguing how many tens of millions of dollars it’s worth to have Paula sit in a chair and say things like “You sound like the color fuchsia” or “That performance tasted like springtime” and then take 10 minutes to explain what she meant by that.

You could grab a handful of poetry magnets and throw them against your refrigerator and the resulting sentence they formed would still sound 30 times more sensible than anything that’s ever come out of Paula’s mouth.

I know this will probably throw the entire American Idol negotiation process into chaos, but I’m going to go on record as saying that, for just $10 million a year, I’ll dress in Victorian hoop skirts and boas, roll my eyes and say “Oh, Simon!” while I playfully punch him in the shoulder.

For an extra millon dollars, I’ll take a full swing at him.

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Won’t return to American Idol unless her imaginary friend Mr. Bunny also gets contract extension…

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Paula Abdul’s Nose Is Out Of Joint

The final results show of American Idol was filled with surprises last night, some scripted and some legitimate.

The two finalists, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, both received hybrid cars from the Ford Motor Company in a move that makes Danny Gokey the real winner of the competition.

Lambert and Allen were given the keys to the cars by last year’s Idol winner David Cook who also gave the pair the name of his accountant. Cook reminded the two current contestants they owed taxes on the vehicles as soon as they grabbed the keys.

Both singers were urged by show producers to pay the taxes owed, unless they someday planned on becoming Treasury Secretary. In that case, producers noted, they could just skip paying and refer to the oversight later as “an honest mistake.”

The car giveaway highlights a new Ford strategy which is to give away as many cars as they can and then get bailout money from the taxes paid on the “free” cars.

Ford executives figure if they can give away four million cars a year, the amount of money received from taxpayer bailouts will help the company break even in 2010 while allowing the automaker to contribute $17,000 to each and every member of Congress.

Lambert was particularly grateful for the free Fusion hybrid noting, “I can’t think of anything that would help cement my reputation as a ‘real rocker’ more than driving around in a pastel hybrid.”

Lambert added, “I also just found out I lost the competition to the reincarnation of David Cassidy, so if you don’t mind, I’ll just go kill myself now.”

In a related story, Lambert was rumored to be the first choice of composer Barry Manilow to play the part of vampire Edward Cullen in the Broadway musical version of Twilight.

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Rumors circulating that Paula Abdul has been acting strangely since being bitten on the neck by Lambert

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Image: Zuma Press

Post from: EveryJoe

Ford Gives Cars To American Idol Finalists