The Supreme Court yesterday scheduled time on its docket to hear an appeal by former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling.

The Court will decide whether to uphold lower court rulings which convicted Skilling on 19 counts of conspiracy, securities fraud, insider trading, lying to auditors and refusing to clap for Tinkerbell.

Skilling and his lawyers are asking the Court to consider whether the “honest services” fraud statute was applied correctly, a move which should make this the fastest case in Supreme Court history.

The lawyers are, in essence, arguing that “even though Skilling committed illegal financial maneuvers, he did so in order to save the company and did not profit from it.”

Which all sounds fine and dandy until somebody brings up the minor legal point of Skilling being a top executive at the company, having lots of stock options and making $132 million as president of Enron in 2001.

Geez. Cut the guy some slack, will you? It’s not like he just made up numbers, cooked the books and then lied about it.

No, wait … it’s pretty much exactly like that.

Never mind. I have to go declare the 17 cents I made in interest on my bank account last year.

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“Of course, my client did a bunch of illegal stuff, that doesn’t mean he’s guilty…”

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Supreme Court To Hear Enron CEO’s Appeal

Judge Sonia Sotomayor was on Capitol Hill again appearing before lawmakers who continued to probe whether or not the judge would support their attempts to trample the Constitution if she was confirmed as a member of the Supreme Court.

Sotomayor fielded a variety of tough questions on abortion, gun control and intermediate algebra as she sought to become the first Hispanic to sit on the Supreme Court.

At one point, Sotomayor asked if she could use a pencil and some scrap paper to figure out the following problem posed to her by Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell:

Becky traveled an average of 60 mph on a trip to St. Louis. On her return trip, she took a more scenic route that was 2 hours longer and 30 miles farther and averaged 50 mph on the way back. How long did it take to Becky to travel to St. Louis?:

Democrats immediately objected to the question calling it “unfair” because the use of the name “Becky” exhibited a cultural bias. Majority Leader Harry Reid demanded the problem be restated using the name “Lupe” instead.

Before the Senators could finish arguing, Sotomayor said she had the answer.

“Seven hours,” she stated in a resonant voice.

Senator McConnell quizzed Sotomayor further, asking to see the calculations she used to come up with the answer.

Sotomayor replied, “Senator, I just happen to know that it takes five hours to drive from Mechanicsburg, Ohio to St. Louis. Columbus, Ohio is about 30 miles further and, if you take the more scenic bus ride, it’s seven hours.”

“Oh, by the way,” the judge added, “That’s called ‘life experience,’ bitches.”

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Latina judge has last laugh

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Image: Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Sotomayor Faces Tough Questioning

President Barack Obama made history today announcing the first alliterative female judge as a candidate for the Supreme Court.

If she is confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor will join other famous alliterative Supreme Court jurists such as John Jay, Thomas Todd, David Davis and Lucius Lamar.

Many Court historians don’t include Lucius Lamar as one of the “true” alliterative judges due to the fact that he went by his full name, Lucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar II.

Plus, Lamar was from Mississippi and sported a ridiculous beard which merely encouraged people to look for reasons not to include him in things and break his balls whenever they could.

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L.Q.C. Lamar II. Even his friends thought he looked like a terrier with a comb-over and would ask him to speak, fetch…

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President Obama was under strong pressure from the AAU (Alliteratives Are Us) to pick a member of their group.

The group, which features such luminaries as Ted Turner, Ozzy Ozbourne and Willy Wonka, dislikes being referred to as “alliterative” and prefers the more politically correct designation “consonantly consistent.”

The fact that Sotomayor is female is considered an added bonus.

“For too long, women with alliterative names haven’t been taken seriously. If Sonia Sotomayor can do this, who’s to say I can’t become a Supreme Court justice, too?” an excited Lindsay Lohan asked a group of political reporters.

The reporters agreed the answer to Ms. Lohan’s question was “Pretty much everyone” but asked the actress if she wouldn’t mind taking off her top anyway so they could check her “credentials.”

In a related story, Jesse Jackson was reported to be despondent over the choice of Sotomayor to the Court.

“Now that we have a black President and an alliterative Supreme Court judge, I’m running out excuses for why people don’t like me,” said Jackson.

“Maybe it’s because I’m a race-baiting corporate extortionist, after all.”

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Alliterative Lindsay Lohan says she wants to be seriously considered for next Supreme Court slot. Would settle for just being taken seriously…

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Image: wikipedia
Image Zuma Press

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Post from: EveryJoe

Sonia Sotomayor Makes Judicial History

Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Company Apologizes, Said It Should Have Advertised Offering As ‘Reeaally Happy Meal’

And you thought the Burger King was creepy…

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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Complains Meal Came With Wrapper, But No Toy

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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Ronald McDonald To Comment Right After He Finishes Cigarette

“As a matter of fact, I do have some fries to go with that shake…”

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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Gung-Ho Employee Proclaims “I Was Lovin’ It!”

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Girl Says She Found Condom In McDonald’s Happy Meal

Watchdog Group Says Incident is ‘Just Another Example of How McDonald’s Continues To Resist Offering Consumers Low-Carb Options’

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Senators Leahy and Specter Urge Picking Non-Judge, Someone With ‘Real-Life Experience’ For Supreme Court Opening

Senators Also Say They Would Like To Open Field of Brain Surgery To ‘Anyone Who Has Traveled Overseas’

Senators feel this whole ’specialized knowledge’ thing is over-rated…

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Bush Library Raises $100 Million In 100 Days

Amount Believed To Be Largest Ever For ‘Hooked On Phonics’ Program

“Man, that’s a lot of syllables…”

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John Edwards Under Investigation For Misuse Of Campaign Funds

In Other News … Fish Under Investigation For Swimming, Birds To Be Charged With Flying

One is a slimy, bottom-feeder; the other is an elongated fish

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Image: richkidsunite on Flickr
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Post from: EveryJoe

Bizlevity Business News Headlines – 5/5/09

The Supreme Court made it harder for consumers to sue manufacturers of federally approved medical devices in an 8-1 decision against the estate of a patient who suffered serious injuries when a catheter burst during a medical procedure.

“Nowhere in the Constitution is it written that citizens should be protected from getting paralyzed or dying from defective medical devices,” wrote Justice Antonin Scalia in the majority ruling. “George Washington got an infection from his fake teeth. Did he whine about it?”

The Bush administration sided with industry, saying unfavorable state jury verdicts would compel companies to alter product designs.

This clears the way for new devices to enter the marketplace such as the planned formaldehyde-coated replacement hip, the benzene heart valve, and the asbestos stent.

Post from: EveryJoe

Supreme Court Limits Suits over Medical Devices