– Chairman Bernanke Also Believes Axe Body Spray Should Help You Get Laid –
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, touting the results of the “tough” bank stress tests that were only slightly less rigged than a game of three-card monte in Times Square, declared the whole exercise a success.
Bernanke said the tests should help confidence in the banking system in much the same way as that “A” in that movie class you took should help your overall GPA.
“We hope that in two or three years we will be able to reflect on the banking system’s return to health with a sharply …read more

– New Plan Pegs Salaries of Everyone In Country At Minimum Wage –
Under expansive new powers granted to him by members of Congress claiming expansive new powers, Treasury Secretary Geithner announced his latest plan to control the U.S. economy: Everyone in the country will work and get paid minimum wage.
Appearing before apparatchiks fellow comrades a group of Senators in Washington, Geithner explained, “Trying to decide who should get paid what was getting too complicated and taking too much of my time, so I thought ‘Why not reduce everyone to the lowest common denominator?’ It’ll be easier and it’s …read more

– Federal Government Looks To Guide GM Gently Into Bankruptcy —
With auto makers running out of money, the Federal Government is discussing plans to “ease” GM into bankruptcy. “Easing” the world’s biggest car company into bankruptcy is a lot like easing your girlfriend into trying anal — there’s still a lot of work to do and it’s a good bet someone’s going to be sore the next morning.
According to an article in the New York Times, the Administration is “drawing in part from its experience with troubled banks.” That seems like an excellent idea, because the …read more