Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, touting the results of the “tough” bank stress tests that were only slightly less rigged than a game of three-card monte in Times Square, declared the whole exercise a success.

Bernanke said the tests should help confidence in the banking system in much the same way as that “A” in that movie class you took should help your overall GPA.

“We hope that in two or three years we will be able to reflect on the banking system’s return to health with a sharply diminished reliance on government capital,” Bernanke said.

“Of course, I also hope to go on a sex-filled Caribbean cruise with Halle Berry and Megan Fox … so we’ll just have to wait and see,” added Bernanke.

The Fed chairman pointed out that “with the kind of numbers we’re throwing around these days” the additional $75 billion that the banks need on top of the programs that already cover up to $3 trillion in direct spending and loan guarantees is “really no biggie.”

The fact that the TARP program is less than a year old and there are already over 20 criminal probes being pursued by the Special Inspector General is just one more reason for optimism, said Bernanke.

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Fed defends bailout technology; admits accounting part may need some work…

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Image: Scootie on Flickr

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Post from: EveryJoe

Fed: Stress Tests Should Help Confidence

Under expansive new powers granted to him by members of Congress claiming expansive new powers, Treasury Secretary Geithner announced his latest plan to control the U.S. economy: Everyone in the country will work and get paid minimum wage.

Appearing before apparatchiks fellow comrades a group of Senators in Washington, Geithner explained, “Trying to decide who should get paid what was getting too complicated and taking too much of my time, so I thought ‘Why not reduce everyone to the lowest common denominator?’ It’ll be easier and it’s where we’re trying to get to anyway.”

Many citizens questioned whether Geithner had the authority to make such a wide-ranging decision. A Treasury spokesman noted, “Since most people have a bank account, we’re interpreting that to mean everyone in the country is subject to regulation under the TARP plan. That means we can regulate everybody’s compensation.”

“Oh, and just to be clear … anyone caught buying anything other than store brands or driving a car other than a Saturn or Ford Focus will be subject to house arrest,” added the Treasury flack.

According to Geithner, Congress and government officials will be exempted from the new pay rules in an effort to attract the best and slimiest minds into public service.

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Treasury looks to hire new consultant…

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Post from: EveryJoe

Geithner Offers Simplified Plan For Economy

With auto makers running out of money, the Federal Government is discussing plans to “ease” GM into bankruptcy. “Easing” the world’s biggest car company into bankruptcy is a lot like easing your girlfriend into trying anal — there’s still a lot of work to do and it’s a good bet someone’s going to be sore the next morning.

According to an article in the New York Times, the Administration is “drawing in part from its experience with troubled banks.” That seems like an excellent idea, because the only thing that went wrong with the whole TARP program is that it didn’t work and is projected to cost about 40 times the original estimates.

One plan being bandied about is for the government to step in to create a “good GM” and a “bad GM” by separating the profitable parts of GM from the unprofitable parts and combining all the “bad” pieces in a different company.

Now, if the someone could find a profitable part of the car company, we could forge ahead with that plan.

As it stands now, the only profitable part of GM is the part that charges you $300 for custom floor mats for your Hummer.

As for the unprofitable sections … calm down, America. You can be sure there’s enough to go around when it comes to investing in a publicly traded company comprised of toxic assets like expensive union contracts, warranties on shoddy parts and a gently-used corporate jet.

Can’t we just let these companies collapse already? We’ve been listening how GM’s going to go bankrupt “next week” for the last 14 months.

It’s like being in a relationship with an overly-dramatic girlfriend who threatens suicide every time you try to break up with her.

Go ahead and declare Chapter 11 already. I just can’t take any more of the posturing and drama.

And quit stalking my 401-K.

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Image: simplified complication on Flickr

Post from: EveryJoe

Just The Tip