Finlay def. The Miz
Braden Walker def. Armando Estrada
Evan Bourne def. Nunzio
Tommy Dreamer def. Mark Henry by DQ (?)

Last week I asked ECW to give me a reason to love it. It didn’t. So really, I shouldn’t be watching. But I am because the good people at the Innovative Beverage Group sent jabandgrapple.com some of their new “anti-energy” drink: Drank. The beverage promises to “calm and relax you” with ingredients that include Melatonin, Rose Hips, and Valerian Root. My ECW hate has been so virulent as of late that I need some relaxation. I need, as the drink boasts, to “slow my roll”.

Finlay and The Miz are squaring off as I pour my first into a neat glass tumbler; I’m drinking the gently carbonated Drank on ice. Before the match I’m quietly confident that these two will step it up in their singles match. I’m not as confident about the Drank. The first sip isn’t nearly as sweet as I expect and is reminiscent of a pleasant grape soda. I fear that it is going to go down real smooth. Too smooth.

Finlay takes care of The Miz with some help from Hornswaggle and the Drank is already calming me down. I might even enjoy the Mark Henry-Tommy Dreamer main event! The first commercial break contains an advert for 5-hour energy drink talking about the evils of energy drinks. I’m one step ahead of them though. I’m not interested in energizing, I’m interested in relaxing. And Drank already has me on my way.

I’m beginning to feel sorry for Armando Estrada. It’s doubtful he’ll ever win a match. This week he’s facing someone now known as Braden Walker. I like Teddy Long’s ECW Superstar Initiative but the two we’ve seen thus far – Atlas Ortiz and now Braden Walker – are absolutely uninteresting.

One of Drank’s primary promises is that it will help you “get you lean on” without resorting to harmful cough syrup drinks. After a second glass my lean is definitely on but I’m still also desiring to flatten a few ECW superstars: Mark Henry (after he insults legend Tony Atlas) and Atlas Ortiz (after a stupid bush league segment).

The Tommy Dreamer vs. Mark Henry main event isn’t getting me too excited (or maybe it’s my imbibing). But really, I don’t think Dreamer has a chance unless Henry downs a full case of Drank. Which is possible because Henry was born in and lives within Drank’s southeastern Texas and western Louisiana distribution zone. Tonight’s ECW is also taking place in Baton Rouge, La. Is Drank available there? Yes indeed!

Evan Bourne puts away perennial loser Nunzio with a fantastic Shooting Star back flip from the top rope and not even the Drank can stop me from being excited. He must have been 20-feet in the air. Am I hallucinating? I don’t think so…

There’s like five minutes left in ECW and we’re still at commercial. Do I care? Not really. I’m on my third Drank glass and ECW has gradually become very palatable. And anyway, the less Mark Henry the better.

The clock just turned 11 p.m. and still no match. Am I anxious? Not at all. The match has begun and Dreamer’s horrid fake leather pants actually might be changing my allegiances. Then Henry goes after Colin Delaney but Tony Atlas interrupts and slams the pale dweeb himself and appears to be teaming with The World’s Strongest Man. Someone is disqualified. I’m not sure who but I’m beyond uninterested.

As far as the Drank, I’m pleasantly surprised. The buzz is mild and helpfully relaxing. I’m even going to be able to fall asleep in a strange and uncomfortable bed tonight. Bloggers need vacation too. If only I were vacationing along the Texas Gulf Coast, then I could snatch up another Drank.

Post from: EveryJoe

ECW: The Drank Edition

RESULTS
Matt Hardy def. Armando Estrada
Colin Delaney def. Armando Estrada
Kane def. CM Punk

MATCH THREE
Matt Hardy vs. Armando Estrada

Estrada is no longer GM and no longer exclusively facing tiny jobber Colin Delaney. Estrada’s ripped washboard abs compare favorably to Hardy’s beer gut but his wrestling skills don’t. Hardy quickly disposes of the preening Cuban easily pinning him after a Twist of Fate. After the match Teddy Long turns the tables on the bullying Cigar chomper ordering him to face none other than Colin Delaney. Teddy’s picture is to the right. (OK, it’s not Teddy Long it’s yet another picture of Paris Hilton with a teddy bear.)

MATCH FOUR
Colin Delaney vs. Armando Estrada

Delaney rushes out to pin his already beat-down adversary. His first roll-up pin attempt fails but his second doesn’t and Estrada’s night has gone from horrible to nightmarish. If I never had to see Delaney or Estrada again I would be ecstatic. Estrada agrees to renegotiate his deal but Long isn’t having it. Armando must earn his contract a la Colin Delaney.

MATCH FIVE
CM Punk vs. Kane

This match has been ridiculously one-sided. Maybe CM Punk has imagined hitting Kane but it hasn’t happened in real life. Kane has tossed Punk, slapped Punk, punched Punk, slammed Punk, kicked Punk and dominated Punk. Now Kane has him in a vice grip submission mode with his legs crushing Punk’s torso.

Punk breaks the hold with a punch and almost sneaks in a pin but Kane viciously clotheslines him and gets him back in the scissor lock. Every time Punk looks to make strides in the match Kane swiftly closes the door. Please slam it Kane, please! A side slam and a leap from the top rope onto Punk should do the trick.

Not quite but the choke slam should suffice. It does and when it does The Miz and Morrison pounce on Kane and give him a healthy beating. I like the ending; the more hurt Kane receives the better I feel.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

ECW June 4 Part Two: Armando’s Bad Night Continues

RESULTSCM Punk def. Tommy Dreamer and Chavo Guerrero and John Morrison
Shelton Benjamin def. Matt Sydal

Last week WWE’s ECW show shined brighter than both RAW and SmackDown with four good wrestling matches and no drama. Could history repeat itself? Not likely, as the story lines have already begun with Teddy Long (see picture on right. OK it’s Paris Hilton but she is holding a teddy bear) wresting ECW GM controls from Armando Estrada. It had seemed like Armando was making a permanent move to the ring.

MATCH ONE
Fatal Four-Way Match
CM Punk vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. John Morrison
Winner gets a match versus Kane in a non-title match.

Didn’t we just see this bout at One Night Stand? Only this time there’s no Big Show, no Shawne Merriman, and surely no blood.

The match ends with a flurry of good signature moves from all competitors but it’s a Go To Sleep from CM Punk on Chavo that ensures the straight-edged warrior a spot in tonight’s ECW Main Event. Guerrero is getting a surprising barrage of hatred from the crowd for his role in the La Familia saga.

MATCH TWO
Shelton Benjamin vs. Matt Sydal

The former Wrestling Society X cast member and Ring of Honor high-flying talent Matt Sydal makes a surprisingly entertaining debut. He doesn’t win but he lands some cool looking acrobatic jumps before Benjamin’s strength overcomes the little guy.

The match ends with Benjamin tossing Sydal into Kofi Kingston who is working as a guest commentator. For the second week in a row Kingston and Benjamin brawl uncontrollably after one another’s match. This feud is beginning to hold my interest.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

ECW June 4 Part One: Teddy Long is Back