I was kind of in and out of last night’s ECW show. It seemed very boring and I was busy in a Skype meeting during the show too so that took some attention away from it. Anyway, here is last nights recap of wins and losses.

Jack Swagger wins over Lenny Lane via Tilt-A-Whirl Powerbomb.

Mike Knox beats Tommy Dreamer after Tommy charges Knox but misses and hits the ring post (You’d think they’d pad them by now, right?) and Knox finished the mathc with his reverse spinner STO.

The Miz, John Henry and John Morrison defeat Matt Hardy, Riocky Ortiz and Evan Bourne by Mark Henry’s "World’s Strongest Slam" on Evan Bourne.

That’s it. A whopping three matches. It’s kind of sad how much talking and how little wrestling goes on in an hour show these days. But that’s the things are now. More drama and less action.

ECW Results followed by Pleasant Narrative

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New (XXXL) ECW Title belt given to Mark Henry and his sidekick Tony Atlas while Colin Delaney explains his Great American Bash actions
Tommy Dreamer def Colin Delaney
Evan Bourne def. James Curtis
Newcomer Ricky Ortiz brings up marketing ideas
Matt Hardy pins to one of the following three to def. Finlay, The Miz, and Morrison in a Fatal Four-Way

Pleasant Narrative:

The standard WWE intro montage of past professional triumphs comes on and I’ve returned for another night of grappling. In the upper left corner reads a TV-PG rating for violence. TV-PG for the Land of the Extreme!?!?!? What’s that all about? I can’t get a TV-14? It seems the toned down atmosphere is a WWE initiative.

The Hollywood daily Variety reported today that the WWE wants all of its shows to be more family friendly and less violent. They want all three shows to have TV-PG ratings. The shows would “focus more on its over-the-top characters and storylines, rather than attention-grabbing stunts that may have been considered too outrageous in the past.”

I guess this isn’t a bad thing. It will make the pay-per-view violence that much more fun. But in the spirit of past times we’re going to wonder what could be done to tame ECW further helping it gain that coveted TV-G or TV-Y.

1) Tony Atlas warns us that this is a “new ECW.” He doesn’t expound. But we know it’s one without the extreme. Perhaps the show could now be called “Easygoing Championship Wrestling.”

2) While Colin Delaney explains that Tommy Dreamer is “the past” and Mark Henry is “the future” the crowd chants “You Suck!” That vulgar language must end. How about mandating a “You’re wrong! You’re wrong!” cheer?

3) Tommy Dreamer is now facing off against the pale dweeb. First of all the stylized yellow fire on Dreamer’s black pants is too scary. How about sky blue pants with white clouds and white puffy sheep on the their side to coincide with his “Dreamer” name?

4) Dreamer seems to be holding back on Delaney. We’d like a more demonstrative beat down but are worried the censors might be bothered by the multiple DDTs and the drop kicks. Maybe he could just ask Colin if he could pin him? We’re sure Colin would accept. Delaney’s poor wrestling is just delaying the inevitable anyway.

5) Evan Bourne’s wrestling technique is perfect for both the new PG rating and our sensibilities. He never looks to actually hit or hurt someone while his high flying antics are super super exciting. His anonymous opponent, however, is a little too violent for our tastes. All wrestlers who punch, pull hair, and do submission-type holds should be banned.

Btw, after the match Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely enter the ring to attack Bourne. Bourne skillfully sneaks out of the ring and runs away untouched. Perfect pacifism!

6) Ricky Ortiz wants to be known as the “Latin Assassin.” Far too violent young Carlito impersonator. How about the “Latin Angel”, the “Latin Amigo”, or the “Latin Assistor?”

7) Tonight’s Main Event is a Fatal Four-Way for a chance to wrestle at SummerSlam for the ECW Title. Could it be renamed the “Friendly Four-Way?”

Morrison goes for a quick pin on his tag team partner but it’s broken up. Miz and Morrison duck out of the ring for a while allowing Finlay and Hardy to beat each other up.

8) OK, I’m not complaining because I really enjoyed this match. It had great action, a spectator’s drink tossed into Finlay’s eyes, lots of cool moves, heated drama between Miz and Morrison, at least two dozen near falls, lots of originality, a shillelagh, and a Matt Hardy win. This was a pay-per-view level match and ECW’s best in a while.

BUT I now understand the WWE’s violence solution: multiple commercials during Main Events. Let the fun stuff happen during that time. This match had two ad segments break up its action. We’re guessing that future ECW episodes will be one long set of WWE DVD promos, and future Sci-Fi Channel movies. Makes sense, right?

ECW Results and Highlight Narrative

Mark Henry and Tony Atlas bend frying pans
Mike Knox def. Shannon Moore
Evan Bourne def. Chavo Guerrero
The Hardy Boyz def. Miz and Morrison

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Who is excited about tonight’s Hardy Boyz versus The Miz and Morrison? Both Mr. and Mrs. JabandGrapple.com. Mr. JandG is excited to see the high flying death defying world’s greatest super tag team of all time in their maybe last match EVVVVEEERRRRR. Mrs. JandG says “whooo hoooo. this is a match for the ladies. 3 1/2 hot guys fighting. Why can’t they do this every week?”

I’d like to argue. But I can’t. So until 10:45 p.m. lets hope ECW isn’t too painful.

Looks like my hopes have been denied. Mark Henry and Tony Atlas are doing their best Uri Geller impression by attempting to bend frying pans. I wish I had some more Drank!

Guess what? Mark Henry just bent a frying pan with his bare hands. It took like ten minutes. In the same time span Henry sweat enough to fill thirteen reservoirs. This is your fault Michael Hayes!!! Why did you have to insult the supposed world’s strongest man?

Tommy Dreamer just sauntered out to the center square to bend a frying pan of his own. Mrs. JandG offers “Look at his horrible fake leather pants. Do you think he’s going to catch the wolf?”

(Anybody who comments with an explanation of Mrs. JandG’s joke gets a bottle of Drank mailed to them. No questions asked.)

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WWE SmackDown Live Blog, Part Two

Finlay and Hornswaggle def. The Miz and Morrison
Triple H def. Chavo Guerrero
Natalya and Maryse def. Michelle McCool and Cherry

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Segment Six:
Will Finlay and Hornswaggle ever stop fighting The Miz and Morrison? Aren’t all four now in ECW? Mick and JR discuss Hornswaggle drinking a Guinness and I’m thinking about ending this live blog early and heading down to my local Irish Bar establishment.

Finlay lands a terrific Celtic Cross on Morrison but The Miz breaks it up. While the ref is tsk-tsking Morrison and telling him to leave the ring Finlay hits The Miz with the shillelagh knocking him out cold. Hornswaggle tags in and flops off the top rope and onto the Real World rebel pinning him one-two-three. Does this mean we’re going to have to see these four fight yet again? We’re afraid so.

***

Hold up. A local commercial for the July 29 ECW/SmackDown event in Hershey, PA says the Main Event is Triple H vs. Edge for the WWE Championship. We…are…so…there.

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ECW Results and Highlights

Finlay def. The Miz
Braden Walker def. Armando Estrada
Evan Bourne def. Nunzio
Tommy Dreamer def. Mark Henry by DQ (?)

Last week I asked ECW to give me a reason to love it. It didn’t. So really, I shouldn’t be watching. But I am because the good people at the Innovative Beverage Group sent jabandgrapple.com some of their new “anti-energy” drink: Drank. The beverage promises to “calm and relax you” with ingredients that include Melatonin, Rose Hips, and Valerian Root. My ECW hate has been so virulent as of late that I need some relaxation. I need, as the drink boasts, to “slow my roll”.

Finlay and The Miz are squaring off as I pour my first into a neat glass tumbler; I’m drinking the gently carbonated Drank on ice. Before the match I’m quietly confident that these two will step it up in their singles match. I’m not as confident about the Drank. The first sip isn’t nearly as sweet as I expect and is reminiscent of a pleasant grape soda. I fear that it is going to go down real smooth. Too smooth.

Finlay takes care of The Miz with some help from Hornswaggle and the Drank is already calming me down. I might even enjoy the Mark Henry-Tommy Dreamer main event! The first commercial break contains an advert for 5-hour energy drink talking about the evils of energy drinks. I’m one step ahead of them though. I’m not interested in energizing, I’m interested in relaxing. And Drank already has me on my way.

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ECW Results and Highlights

Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswaggle def. The Miz, Morrison, and Chavo Guerrero
Atlas Ortiz def. Armando Estrada
Mark Henry vs. Colin Delaney

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As we all know, ECW got the serious short end of the WWE Draft stick. Here’s a summary:

Wrestlers (of note) Lost: CM Punk (now WWE Heavyweight Champ); Kane; Kofi Kingston (now Intercontinental Champ); Shelton Benjamin.

Wrestlers Gained: Matt Hardy; Mark Henry; Finlay; Hornswaggle; Super Crazy.

What that means is that I’ve lost four of the seven reasons I watched ECW. The other three being The Miz, Morrison, and Evan Bourne. I’ve gained 1 1/2 reasons to tune in on Tuesday nights (Finlay and Hornswaggle). That leaves me with 4 1/2 reasons to watch which I’m pretty sure is less than seven.

In short, I’m giving this week a shot. ECW has to earn its way onto my Tuesday night schedule.

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WWE Draft 2008

We’ve already seen Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy move. As you already know tonight’s bouts will match-up two brands against each other. The winner gets the draft pick. More importantly, the Guy at Ringside Dressed like Hulk Hogan that was at every Michigan show a few months ago is back in the front row tonight in San Antonio!

Oh, and the Million Dollar Madness password tonight is Night of Champions.

Match/Draft Pick #3
Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely (ECW) vs. Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes (RAW)
Holly hits an Alabama slammer and pins Chavo.

RAW Draft Pick: CM Punk

Draft Grade: B. So that’s who Rey Mysterio is going to fight. A lot of people seem to love CM Punk (I’m not one of them) so his promotion up to RAW makes sense; he’s been billed as a bigger star than the ECW stage provides. Is his presence going to make RAW better? Is his going to fight for those titles? Maybe. He can face Rey, Shawn Michaels, Y2J, and even Cena-Orton-HHH. Let’s hope he can step up to the challenge.

Match/Draft Pick #4
The Miz and Morrison (ECW) vs. The Hardy Boyz (SmackDown)
We have the Hardy Boyz together sooner than expected! It’s like they were never apart. They were meant to be a tag team. Still, Miz and Morrison have really improved as a partnership and this is a pretty good match. Morrison pins Matt Hardy with some dastardly tactics. Best match of the night so far.

ECW Draft Pick: Matt Hardy

Draft Grade: F. Not only does this choice stink but it also lowers the grade of every previous pick. I’m crushed. Matt doesn’t belong in ECW purgatory and he doesn’t deserve to be separated from his brother.

Match/Draft Pick #5
Mickie James and Melina (RAW) vs. Natalya and Victoria (SmackDown)
Melina gets hurt and both teams are DQ’d. Both RAW and SmackDown get draft picks.

SmackDown Draft Pick: Announcer Jim Ross
RAW Draft Pick: Announcer Michael Cole

Draft Grade: B I really liked both announcing teams and wasn’t sure if a change needed to happen. Nevertheless JR and Mick Foley should prove to be a very entertaining pair. The four announcers look shocked and have a hard time saying anything. Maybe the advance word was true and no one knew what was going to happen to their lives.

The truth is I’m putting my computer away for the night. I’ll watch the rest of RAW some time tomorrow. I’m sad and disgusted. I thought this Draft was going to bring change and new life to the WWE. Instead it seems like a reinforced status quo laced by vindictive decisions. Arrrggghh.

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Vickie Guerrero Must Be Stopped Part Three

Segments and Matches covered in Part Three:
Great Khali def. Charles Robinson
Jesse and Festus def. Deuce and Domino
Finlay def. The Miz

How many ways did Vickie Guerrero take advantage of her situation on tonight’s SmackDown. How many horrible things did she do over the span of two hours. Let us count the ways and rate the level of badness from Bad to Really Really Really Really Bad.
Click here for Bad Things #1 through #6.
Click Here for Bad Thing #7 through #11.
Click Here for Bad Thing #17 through #20

Bad Thing #12) She chooses The Great Khali to fight Charles Robinson!
jabandgrapple.com comment: Charles Robinson is half Khali’s size but, probably, twice as good a technical wrestler even without any experience. If Robinson just starts running around the ring Khali might actually trip and fall trying to catch him. It’s worth a shot. If not Robinson might want to check the below chart. It’s for serious head trauma injuries.
Level of Badness: Really Really Really Bad. As Mick Foley said “(this match) is a perfect example of Vickie Guerrero’s vindictiveness.” Can it get any worse?

Bad Thing #13) Robinson tries to run away but Vickie Guerrero has sent Hawkins and Ryder to keep him in the ring.
jabandgrapple.com comment: This is Vindictive Vickie at her worst. Or is it?
Level of Badness: Really Really Really Bad.

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ECW Results and Highlights

RESULTS
Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne def. Mike Knox and Shelton Benjamin
Veronica def. Kelly Kelly
Finlay def. Armando Estrada
Colin Delaney def. Armando Estrada
Hornswaggle def. Armando Estrada
The Miz and Morrison def. Kane and CM Punk

Vince McMahon’s announcement of the June 23 WWE Draft has taken a bit of anticipation from tonight’s ECW matches. The bookend tag team matches were fun but their feuds will surely not be maintained when a few of these stars will be drafted into other WWE brands.

For example, it’s hard for me to put any attention to the Kofi Kingston - Shelton Benjamin rivalry because both deserve and appear to be moving upward and out of the ECW. Still, they’re very good in the ring together and I thought the toss flip Benjamin landed on his feet was impressive. Wish they had had more time to face off against each other.

Kofi seems suited to fill SmackDown’s high-flying void - at least until Rey Mysterio reappears - and his goofy Jamaican stereotype angle would fit on the Friday night show. That being said I thought the opening ECW tag team match was terrific.

I really like the in-ring aerials of Evan Bourne (who last week was Matt Sydal). If he’s given a chance he could pump a lot of excitement and action into the ECW and might even get himself a tag team title belt. Below is a youtube video of their match. If you didn’t see it, judge for yourself.

Regarding the other matches, I don’t ever mind seeing WWE Diva Kelly Kelly but I’ve already tired of the Armando Estrada saga which has descended into pure comic relief. Pinned by Hornswaggle! C’mon.

The main event tag team title match was watchable but Kane’s pre-match showdown with Big Show sapped the match’s momentum and relegated it to a sideshow to the future Night of Champions event.

WWE SmackDown Results 6/7/08

HOUR ONE RESULTS
Cousin Sal def. Santino Marella
Natalya wins the 7-woman Golden Dreams Match
Vladimir Kozlov def. Jimmy Wang Yang
Batista, Nunzio, Funaki, and Colin Delaney def. Edge, Zack Ryder, Chavo Guerrero, and Curt Hawkins

MATCH #3
Cousin Sal enters the ring dressed in a kilt accompanied by Roddy Piper and Jimmy Kimmel. When Cousin Sal reveals his “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” singlet Mick Foley says this match could set SmackDown back a decade. We hate cross promotion. That said, if anyone wants me to promote anything on www.jabandgrapple.com I will shill ceaselessly.

It’s really a shame that Marella has become what Jim Cornette labeled him as: a comedy JOB. I like Santino’s act and this Cousin Sal match was an unfunny disgrace.

What is funny is the next between match segment where The Miz and Morrison are picking on Hornswaggle. Finlay gallantly intervenes while the wee leprechaun shoots the Tag Team champs with a super soaker. After the water-spraying fun we learn that Chavo Guerrero will be Edge’s best man.

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