ECW Results followed by Pleasant Narrative

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New (XXXL) ECW Title belt given to Mark Henry and his sidekick Tony Atlas while Colin Delaney explains his Great American Bash actions
Tommy Dreamer def Colin Delaney
Evan Bourne def. James Curtis
Newcomer Ricky Ortiz brings up marketing ideas
Matt Hardy pins to one of the following three to def. Finlay, The Miz, and Morrison in a Fatal Four-Way

Pleasant Narrative:

The standard WWE intro montage of past professional triumphs comes on and I’ve returned for another night of grappling. In the upper left corner reads a TV-PG rating for violence. TV-PG for the Land of the Extreme!?!?!? What’s that all about? I can’t get a TV-14? It seems the toned down atmosphere is a WWE initiative.

The Hollywood daily Variety reported today that the WWE wants all of its shows to be more family friendly and less violent. They want all three shows to have TV-PG ratings. The shows would “focus more on its over-the-top characters and storylines, rather than attention-grabbing stunts that may have been considered too outrageous in the past.”

I guess this isn’t a bad thing. It will make the pay-per-view violence that much more fun. But in the spirit of past times we’re going to wonder what could be done to tame ECW further helping it gain that coveted TV-G or TV-Y.

1) Tony Atlas warns us that this is a “new ECW.” He doesn’t expound. But we know it’s one without the extreme. Perhaps the show could now be called “Easygoing Championship Wrestling.”

2) While Colin Delaney explains that Tommy Dreamer is “the past” and Mark Henry is “the future” the crowd chants “You Suck!” That vulgar language must end. How about mandating a “You’re wrong! You’re wrong!” cheer?

3) Tommy Dreamer is now facing off against the pale dweeb. First of all the stylized yellow fire on Dreamer’s black pants is too scary. How about sky blue pants with white clouds and white puffy sheep on the their side to coincide with his “Dreamer” name?

4) Dreamer seems to be holding back on Delaney. We’d like a more demonstrative beat down but are worried the censors might be bothered by the multiple DDTs and the drop kicks. Maybe he could just ask Colin if he could pin him? We’re sure Colin would accept. Delaney’s poor wrestling is just delaying the inevitable anyway.

5) Evan Bourne’s wrestling technique is perfect for both the new PG rating and our sensibilities. He never looks to actually hit or hurt someone while his high flying antics are super super exciting. His anonymous opponent, however, is a little too violent for our tastes. All wrestlers who punch, pull hair, and do submission-type holds should be banned.

Btw, after the match Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely enter the ring to attack Bourne. Bourne skillfully sneaks out of the ring and runs away untouched. Perfect pacifism!

6) Ricky Ortiz wants to be known as the “Latin Assassin.” Far too violent young Carlito impersonator. How about the “Latin Angel”, the “Latin Amigo”, or the “Latin Assistor?”

7) Tonight’s Main Event is a Fatal Four-Way for a chance to wrestle at SummerSlam for the ECW Title. Could it be renamed the “Friendly Four-Way?”

Morrison goes for a quick pin on his tag team partner but it’s broken up. Miz and Morrison duck out of the ring for a while allowing Finlay and Hardy to beat each other up.

8) OK, I’m not complaining because I really enjoyed this match. It had great action, a spectator’s drink tossed into Finlay’s eyes, lots of cool moves, heated drama between Miz and Morrison, at least two dozen near falls, lots of originality, a shillelagh, and a Matt Hardy win. This was a pay-per-view level match and ECW’s best in a while.

BUT I now understand the WWE’s violence solution: multiple commercials during Main Events. Let the fun stuff happen during that time. This match had two ad segments break up its action. We’re guessing that future ECW episodes will be one long set of WWE DVD promos, and future Sci-Fi Channel movies. Makes sense, right?

ECW Results and Highlight Narrative

Mark Henry and Tony Atlas bend frying pans
Mike Knox def. Shannon Moore
Evan Bourne def. Chavo Guerrero
The Hardy Boyz def. Miz and Morrison

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Who is excited about tonight’s Hardy Boyz versus The Miz and Morrison? Both Mr. and Mrs. JabandGrapple.com. Mr. JandG is excited to see the high flying death defying world’s greatest super tag team of all time in their maybe last match EVVVVEEERRRRR. Mrs. JandG says “whooo hoooo. this is a match for the ladies. 3 1/2 hot guys fighting. Why can’t they do this every week?”

I’d like to argue. But I can’t. So until 10:45 p.m. lets hope ECW isn’t too painful.

Looks like my hopes have been denied. Mark Henry and Tony Atlas are doing their best Uri Geller impression by attempting to bend frying pans. I wish I had some more Drank!

Guess what? Mark Henry just bent a frying pan with his bare hands. It took like ten minutes. In the same time span Henry sweat enough to fill thirteen reservoirs. This is your fault Michael Hayes!!! Why did you have to insult the supposed world’s strongest man?

Tommy Dreamer just sauntered out to the center square to bend a frying pan of his own. Mrs. JandG offers “Look at his horrible fake leather pants. Do you think he’s going to catch the wolf?”

(Anybody who comments with an explanation of Mrs. JandG’s joke gets a bottle of Drank mailed to them. No questions asked.)

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ECW Results and Highlights

Finlay def. The Miz
Braden Walker def. Armando Estrada
Evan Bourne def. Nunzio
Tommy Dreamer def. Mark Henry by DQ (?)

Last week I asked ECW to give me a reason to love it. It didn’t. So really, I shouldn’t be watching. But I am because the good people at the Innovative Beverage Group sent jabandgrapple.com some of their new “anti-energy” drink: Drank. The beverage promises to “calm and relax you” with ingredients that include Melatonin, Rose Hips, and Valerian Root. My ECW hate has been so virulent as of late that I need some relaxation. I need, as the drink boasts, to “slow my roll”.

Finlay and The Miz are squaring off as I pour my first into a neat glass tumbler; I’m drinking the gently carbonated Drank on ice. Before the match I’m quietly confident that these two will step it up in their singles match. I’m not as confident about the Drank. The first sip isn’t nearly as sweet as I expect and is reminiscent of a pleasant grape soda. I fear that it is going to go down real smooth. Too smooth.

Finlay takes care of The Miz with some help from Hornswaggle and the Drank is already calming me down. I might even enjoy the Mark Henry-Tommy Dreamer main event! The first commercial break contains an advert for 5-hour energy drink talking about the evils of energy drinks. I’m one step ahead of them though. I’m not interested in energizing, I’m interested in relaxing. And Drank already has me on my way.

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SmackDown Results

Opening Segment
Vicki Guerrero gets booed a lot. When Batista signs a contract to fight Edge at Night of Champions (if he beats the Great Kali) she adds a clause saying if he doesn’t beat the Indian then he will be banished from the WWE.
Comment: Yawn. I like the major heel hate Vickie receives but the “win or your banished” route is getting pretty tired.

Morrison def. Finlay
Comment: I really enjoy Finlay’s brawling but I last week thought his and Hornswaggle’s feud with Miz and Morrison was a little silly. Finlay brings the best out of everyone and Mick Foley’s insults of The Miz are terrific. This match was surprisingly entertaining and the best bout in a horrifically bad night of SmackDown. If Vince McMahon is wondering why ratings are falling he only needs to re-watch this night’s putrid display.

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ECW Results and Highlights Part One

RESULTSCM Punk def. Tommy Dreamer and Chavo Guerrero and John Morrison
Shelton Benjamin def. Matt Sydal

Last week WWE’s ECW show shined brighter than both RAW and SmackDown with four good wrestling matches and no drama. Could history repeat itself? Not likely, as the story lines have already begun with Teddy Long (see picture on right. OK it’s Paris Hilton but she is holding a teddy bear) wresting ECW GM controls from Armando Estrada. It had seemed like Armando was making a permanent move to the ring.

MATCH ONE
Fatal Four-Way Match
CM Punk vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. John Morrison
Winner gets a match versus Kane in a non-title match.

Didn’t we just see this bout at One Night Stand? Only this time there’s no Big Show, no Shawne Merriman, and surely no blood.

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Yesterday I made some bold predictions. Let’s see how I did.

PREDICTIONS:

MATCH #1
Falls Count Anywhere
Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga
my choice: Jeff Hardy
my odds: Umaga 2 to 1 favorite

how did I do: Most predictors around the world wide web had Umaga winning this one but I wasn’t so sure. I thought the anything goes style favored the quick and unpredictable Hardy rather than the brutish plodding force of Umaga. As it turned out I was right. The match seemed more like a Bam Margera video than a wrestling match and spent very little time in the ring itself. The out-of-shape Umaga must have felt winded running all over the San Diego Sports Arena aisles and parking lot.

I’ve been to the Sports Arena before and know that there’s are restaurants directly across the street including Phil’s BBQ and a Red Lobster. It would have been very easy for Umaga to get distracted. I win here.

Running Score: 1 for 1

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WWE One Night Stand Pay-Per-View Results and Live Blog

RESULTS

MATCH #6
Last Man Standing Match For The WWE Championship
Triple H vs. Randy Orton

Result: Triple H wins with a sledgehammer (yes) hit.
Match Grade: B+. Good match which ended early presumably because of a real injury to Orton. The announcing team is saying a broken collarbone and we have no reason to disagree.

Commentary:
Is this match ever going to start? Finally, after an eternity of intros the bell has rung and HHH gets to work quickly slamming Orton into seemingly everything that surrounds the ring: the gate, the announcer’s table, and of course the steel staircase. So far this match has been very one-sided but Orton brings things closer with a terrific drop kick off the ropes.

His advantage doesn’t last as HHH easily tosses him outside the ring and looks ready to reintroduce Orton to the ECW announcer’s table. It doesn’t happen as Orton painfully DDTs HHH’s face into the ringside floor from on top of the table.

Orton is now lifting the padding from the ringside floor. This is so 1982. Cement exposed but no one is taking advantage of it just yet. They’re back in the ring and Orton begins his predictable stomp-o-rama. Guess what’s in the ring now?

It’s the steel stair steps which Orton lifts over his head and tosses into HHH’s face. Hunter gets up but not before Orton brings an extension cord into the ring! He’s choking the lights out of HHH but just not enough to ensure a submission. Another 8 count. Orton looks to finish him off with an RKO but gets tossed out of the ring and, if he hit the steel stairs, might have hurt himself.

He’s holding his collarbone as if it were broken and it just might be. HHH now has a sledgehammer which he connects with. Orton is done and the medics are out. This injury might be real. As he leaves the ringside Orton snarls at a taunting fan and looks like he’s going to snap. We love him even more.

MATCH #5
Stretcher Match
Shawn Michaels vs. Batista

Result: Batista wins convincingly.
Match Grade: A-. Really great match between two top-notch professionals. At the end of the match Michaels received a lot of unnecessary punishment and it will be interesting to see what happens between him and Chris Jericho; whether he thanks him for his care and assistance or resents his ridiculous interference.

Commentary:
The spoilers have suggested a winner here. But I won’t do any spoiling myself.

Batista is cleverly utilizing the stretcher to his advantage slamming the HBK into its exposed top. Michaels hit the Animal with a good kick to the head and them dismantles the ring entrance ramp (which is getting a lot of action tonight). HBK then rams Batista with the stretcher. Good thinking Shawn!

Batista lines up the Batista Bomb outside the ring but Michaels is able to get out of it and manages to get the Animal onto the stretcher. Batista seems out and Michaels is nearing the finish line just as the Animal awakes and does some pounding of his own.

I audibly groan as Batista slams HBK’s band into the side of the ring. Batista looks in control and Michaels is reeling. After one shot he seems to do a full 360-degree turn. After a powerful body slam Batista is lining up HBK for the kill but the wily Michaels is able to dodge the juggernaut who tams himself into the ring post.

Michaels is gradually regaining his energy and looks to put his adversary away with a high-flying elbow drop off the top rope. He’s successful but looks to have done some damage to his problematic back.

The Animal has Michaels in what looks to be, heavens no, a Batista Bomb over the top rope. Michaels gets away and Sweet Chin Music’s Batista onto a stretcher. The Animal is out but maintains a grip on the apron. He doesn’t want to lose and rolls himself off the stretcher.

We wonder how many stretchers are at ringside (maybe 5) as Michaels repeatedly rams one into Batista’s stomach. The Animal counters by flipping up the stretcher into Michael’s face. We can’t believe HBK’s lip isn’t bloodied at this point. Batista continues his dominance and is finally able to land a Batista bomb in the center of the ring. Problem is now he has to drag the HBK onto a stretcher. Does Shawn have time to resuscitate? It seems as Chris Jericho intervenes and stops Batista from rolling Michaels out.

As Y2J leaves Batista pulls Michaels into the ring to inflict more punishment. Michaels looks destitute. Heavens to Betsy, another Batista Bomb landed! This has to be it. But Y2J reappears. He’s put himself in between the stretcher and the finish line and is trying to spur Michaels on.

But he seems to be hurting Michaels more than he’s helping him. Batista brings over the steel ring entrance ladder and ruthlessly slams HBK onto it. The Animal lifts Michaels back onto the stretcher and easily wins. Michaels went through a lot of pain in this one.

MATCH #4
“I Quit” Match
Melina vs. Beth Phoenix

Result: Beth Phoenix almost cracks Melina in half and she submits
Match Grade: C-. Just not my cup of tea.

Commentary:
Admittedly I used this women’s match to use the restroom. Now I’m back although I did hear A LOT of screaming from the other room. The Glamazon had Melina in a debilitating back breaker but sadly couldn’t close the deal.

Why must they both scream so much? Please please make them stop. I get it, they’re supposed to be in pain but it’s just so unattractive. Phoenix lands an impressive front face body slam and now has Melina in a hold that really shows off her flexibility. Melina can’t maintain the Phoenix-enforced yoga pose and submits.

MATCH #3
First Blood Match
John Cena vs. John “Bradshaw” Layfield

Result: Cena wins after JBL spits up some “blood”
Match Grade: C. Boring, long, and anti-climatic. Not as bad as their Judgment Day fight but not much better. Let’s hope these two never ever fight again. The fun was a lot too sporadic for my tastes.

Commentary:
We’ve already had blood so we’re about to go 2 for 3 tonight in plasmability. Cena’s already dismantles a turnbuckle. Now they start swinging in the middle of the ring. Knuck if you buck indeed.

They’ve been scrapping outside the ring for a while and this one so far is about as boring as their Judgment Day bout. These two don’t bring out the best in one another. Methinks JBL has a blade in his extra thick knuckle tape tonight.

There’s a whole lot of punching and not a lot of wrestling. JBL Brings out a metal chair and lines up Cena head against the ring post. Luckily John eludes the crushing blow. JBL now has a WWE microphone with which to open up a cut. I think there’s some irony there given JBL’s propensity to talk and talk and talk.

JBL now has the steel ring entrance stairs. Are they going to cause another cut? Not likely. JBL’s not as strong as the Big Show and can’t bear to carry it any further. Cena’s got the mic now but can’t manage to make JBL bleed. His next effort is to rub Bradshaw’s face back and forth against the steel which is quite silly given the steel’s sharp edges. Oh well.

Next up for blood exposure potential is the exposed turnbuckle. Cena hits it heard but his skin is impervious. JBL now has a thick powerful chain and the end timer on this match is thankfully near. Cena gets hit in the stomach with the chain and JR aptly wonders if John has some internal bleeding. How would the ref ever know?

Now Cena’s tied up in the ropes and in some serious danger. JBL’s got an Indiana Jones bullwhip. Uh oh. One crack of that and its over. Cena gets out of the ropes, grabs the chain and proceeds to choke JBL assassin style. Bradshaw spits up some blood and it’s over. That was obviously a blood capsule and sort of a let down given last match’s Type O gushing.

WWE One Night Stand Pay-Per-View Results and Live Blog

The madness begins!

MATCH #1
Falls Count Anywhere
Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga
Result: Hardy wins by pin in a crazy match.
Match Grade: B. Entertaining but a little too weird for my tastes. Why couldn’t they have been in the arena? Was it filmed before?

Commentary:
They’re fighting in the aisles! At one point Jeff Hardy rail slides down the arena’s guard rail and pounds Umaga when he reaches the bottom. Why aren’t people leaving their seats? No one is working harder then the referee trying to follow them They are now in the parking lot. Jeff Hardy is being slammed into everything metal including tractor trailers!

Umaga is draped in yellow tape. Hardy looks like the Green Goblin. Hardy is now climbing on top of a Shawn Michaels billboard/truck but Umaga is on his heels.

Hardy kicks him off and then does a Swanton Bomb from an absurd height, something like 40 feet off the billboard/truck. The view is obscured so hopefully Jeff jumped onto a mat, stunt man style.

When he goes for the pin the camera swings back. Umaga is knocked cold and Hardy easily pins him before the medics are called. If there was no safety mat then the EMTs might need called in. Seriously.

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MATCH #2
Singapore Cane Match
Big Show vs. John Morrison vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. CM Punk

Result: Big Show pins Tommy Dreamer
Match Grade: B+. Entertaining if not confusing and almost too action filled. Big Show might have been totally dominant but we all knew that was coming. Nevertheless this match had an elite pro footballer who definitely looked game and plenty of blood. BTW Shawne Merriman, you could have a lucrative post-football career in the WWE.

Commentary:
With six competitors, the intro to this match is taking forever. It’s a free for all already with Big Show taking control in the center.

Oh my the four Singapore canes are now in play and they’re ganging up on the Big Show. Chavo Guerrero makes a mistake and hits San Diego Charger Shawne Merriman with the cane. Merriman is angry and demanding the cane to do some damage.

He clocks Chavo something good. Action Action Action! The Miz enters the area and Big Show threatens to hit him with the ring’s entrance stage. Morrison saves his partner at the last minute but in the effort Big Show drops the steel stage on his head and opens up a huge gash. Blood blood blood.

Big Show goes loco on Bam Neely pulling cane after cane out of the cane depository which seems to be a metal trash can. Of course. He’s now brought the entire garbage can into the ring and seems overcome by violence.

Our suggestion to the unfortunate five: get out of the blooded Big Show’s way! And they have leaving Tommy Dreamer alone. Big Show pins him, wipes some blood over his face, and smiles triumphantly.

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Here they are. Let’s see how I do:

PREDICTIONS:
TLC Match For The WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Edge vs. Undertaker
my choice: Undertaker
my odds: Taker 1000 to 1 favorite

Last Man Standing Match For The WWE Championship
Triple H vs. Randy Orton
my choice: Triple H but I’m really rooting for Orton here.
my odds: HHH 3 to 1 favorite

First Blood Match
John Cena vs. John “Bradshaw” Layfield
my choice: John Cena
my odds: Cena 5 to 2 favorite

Stretcher Match
Shawn Michaels vs. Batista
my choice: Shawn Michaels
my odds: Michaels 5 to 2 favorite

Falls Count Anywhere
Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga
my choice: Jeff Hardy
my odds: Umaga 2 to 1 favorite

Singapore Cane Match
Big Show vs. John Morrison vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. CM Punk
my choice: Big Show
my odds of winning: Big Show EVEN; Morrison 5 to 1; Dreamer 1,000 to 1; Chavo 7 to 1; Punk 5 to 2

“I Quit” Match
Melina vs. Beth Phoenix
my choice: Beth Phoenix
my odds: Phoenix 20 to 1 favorite

ECW Results and Highlights Part One

Big Show def. Tommy Dreamer
The Big Show opens the night with a powerful disposal of Tommy Dreamer finishing him off with a spine shattering choke slam. We with the Big Show’s Cro-Magnon brutality but we have do disagree with Tazz’ assessment of him being deceptively quick. Are you kidding?

Match Grade: C

Kofi Kingston def. Mike Knox
This ECW show is showing promise with the energetic Kofi Kingston facing Mike Knox. Guest commentator Shelton Benjamin gets off the line of the night saying Kofi looks like the Monkey Man from Bloodsport. Not familiar with the best Jean Claude Van Damme movie of all time? Fast forward to minute 6:30 in the below clip.

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