Matt Hardy watches while Mark Henry bends wrought iron
Randy Ortiz def. Chavo Guerrero by DQ
The Miz and Morrison def. Finlay and Hornswaggle
After the match Mike Knox beats up on Finlay
Matt Henry def. Colin Delaney

What’s different about seeing matches in person and watching them on TV? Let see if we can find twenty ways.

1. The announcers have their own elaborate entrances! Well, except for Todd Grisham because he is new. We wonder what Mike Adamle’s theme music was. It’s not like Northwestern University has a marching band, a theme song, or a good sports program like JR’s Oklahoma Sooners. Right?

2. Before the bouts start an disembodied announcer tells the crowd something like “In XX seconds we are going to start filming. Hold your signs up and act like crazed dogs.” We oblige, the lights stream on a the ECW music streams in. “Still standing here/I’m Still Standing Here!!!” Flashbulbs intone and we go insane!!!

3. The indoor pyrotechnics and fireworks are MUCH MUCH louder than you expect. Especially when you’re sitting near the arena roof.

4. The crowd loves nobody more than than Matt and Jeff Hardy.

5. The audience is soooo into it. Nearly everyone has WWE shirts on, kids are draped in fake WWE title belts, they wear Jeff Hardy forearm thingamajigs, WWE hats, and are so excited. The atmosphere is electric. Ric Flair-esque wooooooooooo cheers happen often.

6. Post-production cleans up dialog mistakes made in the ring. For example, Tony Atlas told Matt Hardy that he “lost the ECW Champ…er, the United States Championship” but all you hear in the broadcast is the U.S. Championship part. The production team must hate Tony Atlas; he makes a lot of dialog mistakes.

7. It doesn’t matter how loud you yell stuff — even if you yell at the show’s quietest moments — your brilliant comments are not going to be heard on television. Although I’m really really hoping my “I love you Eve Torres!!!” scream makes it on the air on Friday.

8. The live action does pause in accordance to the commercial break time.

9. I got dirty looks and anger because I was cheering for Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely. Of course, the hate was from Mrs. Jabandgrapple and not from anyone sitting around us.

10. Nobody thought my “Go Carlito!” comments about Ricky Ortiz were funny. Ricky is also a lot more impressive as a wrestler on TV but his imposing size is more impressive live.

11. The sound of someone hitting the canvas is louder in person than on television.

12. The three hand-held cameramen and two still photographers that circle the ring are extremely good at not being picked up on camera.

13. Evan Bourne is a fast runner and prefers to running to fighting. I think he also hit a few more dropkicks than were broadcast on ECW. There is a lot more action cut from the broadcast than you would expect.

14. When the match goes to commercial the grapplers just sort of lie around in the middle of the ring (or mill about outside the ring), feign pain, and do nothing. So when commercials happen you’re not missing much at all.

15. Tag team match-ups between Miz and Morrison and Finlay and Hornswaggle are played out. No one is interested in these anymore.

16. I think it’s fun seeing Hornswaggle beat to a pulp but few others share my delight.

17. When Mike Knox talks it’s high-pitched and he sounds like a gentle hippie. It’s endearing and he has just gained a fan.

18. The crowd doesn’t care much about Colin Delaney, good or bad. His shtick has run its course.

19. I didn’t miss much when I skipped out on the Hardy-Delaney match early in order to get some fried food goodness.

20. Once ECW ends the crowds empty en masse into the corridors and to the concession stands.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/29 ECW Results: We Were There Edition

***

Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

for the ECW Championship
I have more of a chance joining the WWE writing staff than Dreamer has of winning the ECW championship. Henry should take him down with his typical ennui-inducing ring power act. expect a lot of sweat and lots of confident cackling from Henry and Tony Atlas.
Mr. JandG pick: Mark Henry
Mrs. Jand G pick: Mark Henry, unfortunately
Odds: Henry -9,900; Dreamer +9,900

Michelle McCool vs. Natalya

for the SmackDown Divas Championship
The most shocking news I read this week: Michelle McCool is dating The Undertaker. Are you kidding me? Some undead guys have all the luck.

Nevertheless, regular SmackDown viewers know that Natalya can wrestle! She would make for a great first SmackDown Divas champ and we’re really rooting for her to win this match tonight.
Mr. JandG pick: Natalya
Mrs. Jand G pick: Natalya because meanness trumps athletic and nimble.
Odds: McCool -150; Natalya +150

Miz and Morrison vs. Finlay and Hornswaggle vs. Jesse and Festus vs. Ryder and Hawkins

in a WWE Tag Team Championship Fatal Four Way
Who do I want to win? Miz and Morrison. Who do I think will win? I have a striking suspicion that The Miz and Morrison’s eight-month reign is coming to an end with new flavor of the month Jesse and Festus seizing the belt. But, as the Rock says, “It doesn’t matter.” I’m picking the Miz and Morrison although I think this match could get too chaotic for words.
Mr. JandG pick: Miz and Morrison
Mrs. Jand G pick: Miz and Morrison b/c they’re the only “real” tag team involved.
Odds: Miz and Morrison +100; Finlay and Hornswaggle +300; Jesse and Festus +400; Ryder and Hawkins +1,900

John Cena vs. JBL

in a NYC Parking Lot Brawl
Are these guys really fighting again? That means we’ve been blessed with these two in three of the past four pay-per-views. I remember their One Night Stand and Judgment Day bouts as their respective PPV’s worst. There’s no reason to expect this one to be any different even with its gimmicky set-up. I expect Cryme Tyme and DiBiase and Rhodes to work their way into the parking lot and wreak havoc but they’ll cancel each other out and Cena will prevail…again.
Mr. JandG pick: John Cena
Mrs. Jand G pick: John Cena b/c JBL is used to playing dirty but at the end of the day he’s not that smart.
Odds: John Cena -300; JBL +300

Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

It’s safe to say that this is the match everyone is waiting for. The slow build-up to this feud between the WWE’s top two vets has been terrific. We’re expecting a repeat of their One Night Stand epic, a bout that currently makes the short list for match of the year. We shouldn’t be disappointed. I think Y2J wins with some Lance Cade-trickery and this feud continues, culminating in a SummerSlam rubber match
Mr. JandG pick: Chris Jericho
Mrs. Jand G pick: Shawn Michaels b/c everyone’s waiting for his grand resurrection.
Odds: Y2J -110; HBK +110

Triple H vs. Edge

for the WWE Championship
There are so many ways this storyline can go. I would love to see a prolonged Edge – Triple H with its resulting sleeping-with-the-boss in jokes but considering the Vickie-Edge breakup it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen. There has been a lot of speculation about The Undertaker returning here but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still, my pick is for Edge to win and his HHH feud to continue although my head tells me that Triple H will win because he always does. And because Edge has no one to help him.
Mr. JandG pick: Edge
Mrs. Jand G pick: Triple H. But I have no idea; It’s above my pay scale. Have to side with experience.
Odds: Triple H -200; Edge +200

CM Punk vs. Batista

for the World Heavyweight Championship
Punk has been awful uninspiring since earning the title. He hasn’t stepped up his ring presence or his microphone skills. Batista, on the other hand, carries himself with the air of a champion. However, I think CM Punk deserves a chance to prove himself and he doesn’t lose his title until SummerSlam.
Mr. JandG pick: CM Punk
Mrs. Jand G pick: Batista b/c there’s been too many references lately to him being a “former champion.” That ends tonight.
Odds: Batista -150; CM Punk +150

Post from: EveryJoe

Great American Bash 2008 Predictions

Mark Henry and Tony Atlas bend frying pans
Mike Knox def. Shannon Moore
Evan Bourne def. Chavo Guerrero
The Hardy Boyz def. Miz and Morrison

Image details: On A Bender served by picapp.com

Who is excited about tonight’s Hardy Boyz versus The Miz and Morrison? Both Mr. and Mrs. JabandGrapple.com. Mr. JandG is excited to see the high flying death defying world’s greatest super tag team of all time in their maybe last match EVVVVEEERRRRR. Mrs. JandG says “whooo hoooo. this is a match for the ladies. 3 1/2 hot guys fighting. Why can’t they do this every week?”

I’d like to argue. But I can’t. So until 10:45 p.m. lets hope ECW isn’t too painful.

Looks like my hopes have been denied. Mark Henry and Tony Atlas are doing their best Uri Geller impression by attempting to bend frying pans. I wish I had some more Drank!

Guess what? Mark Henry just bent a frying pan with his bare hands. It took like ten minutes. In the same time span Henry sweat enough to fill thirteen reservoirs. This is your fault Michael Hayes!!! Why did you have to insult the supposed world’s strongest man?

Tommy Dreamer just sauntered out to the center square to bend a frying pan of his own. Mrs. JandG offers “Look at his horrible fake leather pants. Do you think he’s going to catch the wolf?”

(Anybody who comments with an explanation of Mrs. JandG’s joke gets a bottle of Drank mailed to them. No questions asked.)

Dreamer hits Henry over the head with the pan thus bending it. We’ve all just wasted twenty minutes of our lives. We could have hit the F5 button approximately 1,000 times in the same time period looking for Friday’s SmackDown spoilers. In fact, we already have.

Out of nowhere Mike Adamle announces “Bow wow wow yipee yo yipee yah Shannon Moore is definitely in the house.” Too bad he’s half the size of his opponent Mike Knox who pins Moore in double time and with very little effort. Has the wedding been broken up yet? Let’s hit F5 and check the spoilers (which won’t appear here. Sorry!)

Now this is what we’re talking about. Chavo Guerrero vs. Evan Bourne. According to a recent WWE poll which asked “Who is your favorite new ECW star?” Evan Bourne garnered about 75% of the vote. He certainly received our vote. We love the jump-jump-jumping superstar.

Last week he beat Nunzio by jumping like fifty feet off the top rope. Michael Jordan eat your heart out. Tonight he defies gravity with a Shooting Star Press back flip that stuns the La Familia member. One-two-three pin. Mrs. JandG promises a part four to her epic WWE hotties column. She assures us all that Bourne will appear on that list.

Image details: WWE & USA Network Help U.S Marine Corp Toys For Tots Foundation served by picapp.com

Is it 10:45 p.m. yet? Not quite. It’s 10:43 and we’re running through countless Great American Bash promos. Finally Morrison and The Miz come out. They’re tag team champs, shouldn’t they come out last out of respect? Not when the Hardy Boyz are involved. Out of nowhere Mrs. JandG announces “I love you Jeff Hardy!!!” I counter with “Who would you root for if they had to fight each other this Friday on SmackDown?” She says “That’s impossible, that would never happen.” I agree but wonder, “Do you want to place a bet? If it did happen it would surely involve wedding cake.” Mrs. JandG responds, “Shut up crazy man.” And I do. F5. F5. F5.

“WHOOO HOOOO look at Morrison’s butt!” Mrs. JandG announces to nobody, “He can sway in front of that rope for decades as far as I’m concerned.”

“But what about the match,” I retort. This is more excitement than ECW’s had in months! Double suplexes, super spears, clotheslines and the Mighty Miz. Matt finally tags his brother Jeff in and the action picks up. But then it dies down.

Until Jeff Hardy hits a Swanton Bomb onto The Miz’s face. The other team members are tagged in and chaos ensues. Jeff hits another Swanton Bomb on Morrison and his brother Matt pins the Shaman of Sexy. We so wish tag team action was more stressed. The Hardy Boyz are terrific and belong together. Somehow we are the only ones who enjoy their skills.

Au revoir tonight. Don’t forget to comment with your thoughts below.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/15 ECW: Hardy Boyz and Bending Frying Pans

Finlay def. The Miz
Braden Walker def. Armando Estrada
Evan Bourne def. Nunzio
Tommy Dreamer def. Mark Henry by DQ (?)

Last week I asked ECW to give me a reason to love it. It didn’t. So really, I shouldn’t be watching. But I am because the good people at the Innovative Beverage Group sent jabandgrapple.com some of their new “anti-energy” drink: Drank. The beverage promises to “calm and relax you” with ingredients that include Melatonin, Rose Hips, and Valerian Root. My ECW hate has been so virulent as of late that I need some relaxation. I need, as the drink boasts, to “slow my roll”.

Finlay and The Miz are squaring off as I pour my first into a neat glass tumbler; I’m drinking the gently carbonated Drank on ice. Before the match I’m quietly confident that these two will step it up in their singles match. I’m not as confident about the Drank. The first sip isn’t nearly as sweet as I expect and is reminiscent of a pleasant grape soda. I fear that it is going to go down real smooth. Too smooth.

Finlay takes care of The Miz with some help from Hornswaggle and the Drank is already calming me down. I might even enjoy the Mark Henry-Tommy Dreamer main event! The first commercial break contains an advert for 5-hour energy drink talking about the evils of energy drinks. I’m one step ahead of them though. I’m not interested in energizing, I’m interested in relaxing. And Drank already has me on my way.

I’m beginning to feel sorry for Armando Estrada. It’s doubtful he’ll ever win a match. This week he’s facing someone now known as Braden Walker. I like Teddy Long’s ECW Superstar Initiative but the two we’ve seen thus far – Atlas Ortiz and now Braden Walker – are absolutely uninteresting.

One of Drank’s primary promises is that it will help you “get you lean on” without resorting to harmful cough syrup drinks. After a second glass my lean is definitely on but I’m still also desiring to flatten a few ECW superstars: Mark Henry (after he insults legend Tony Atlas) and Atlas Ortiz (after a stupid bush league segment).

The Tommy Dreamer vs. Mark Henry main event isn’t getting me too excited (or maybe it’s my imbibing). But really, I don’t think Dreamer has a chance unless Henry downs a full case of Drank. Which is possible because Henry was born in and lives within Drank’s southeastern Texas and western Louisiana distribution zone. Tonight’s ECW is also taking place in Baton Rouge, La. Is Drank available there? Yes indeed!

Evan Bourne puts away perennial loser Nunzio with a fantastic Shooting Star back flip from the top rope and not even the Drank can stop me from being excited. He must have been 20-feet in the air. Am I hallucinating? I don’t think so…

There’s like five minutes left in ECW and we’re still at commercial. Do I care? Not really. I’m on my third Drank glass and ECW has gradually become very palatable. And anyway, the less Mark Henry the better.

The clock just turned 11 p.m. and still no match. Am I anxious? Not at all. The match has begun and Dreamer’s horrid fake leather pants actually might be changing my allegiances. Then Henry goes after Colin Delaney but Tony Atlas interrupts and slams the pale dweeb himself and appears to be teaming with The World’s Strongest Man. Someone is disqualified. I’m not sure who but I’m beyond uninterested.

As far as the Drank, I’m pleasantly surprised. The buzz is mild and helpfully relaxing. I’m even going to be able to fall asleep in a strange and uncomfortable bed tonight. Bloggers need vacation too. If only I were vacationing along the Texas Gulf Coast, then I could snatch up another Drank.

Post from: EveryJoe

ECW: The Drank Edition

***

A match had just ended and my dad disappeared into the bowels of the ancient arena, back to where the wrestlers’ walk to the ring began. He was checking on something. He soon snuck his head out and waved for me to come over. He was with another man, the local person he knew that was involved with the WWF.

That local person was a doctor, George Zahorian, a name that might ring a bell for wrestling fans. He turned to me and asked the question any ten-year-old would want to hear, “Would you like to meet some of the wrestlers?” I squeaked out an excited yes. The doctor told us to follow him.

As we walked down the dingy corridor towards an anonymous wooden door I bristled with anticipation. Outside the door, propped against the wall’s corner stood a dirty Iranian flag. “That’s the Iron Shiek’s flag,” I thought, “this is it!”

When Dr. Zahorian opened the door I snuck a peak inside to see Jimmy Snuka in his trunks playing a card game against “Dr. D” David Schultz and Don Muraco. Don Muraco! Weren’t they mortal enemies! My world view had suddenly changed.

The first wrestler that the doctor brought out was Mr. Fuji. He asked my dad what he did and replied, “My brother is an attorney too back in Hawaii. That’s where I’m from.” Mr. Fuji wasn’t from Japan? Double gasp. We talked for a few minutes, telling us about his life and family. I couldn’t believe how nice and kind this evil, evil, man was? Hadn’t he just thrown salt in someone’s eyes?

Three more wrestlers came out to meet us: Tony Atlas, “Dr. D” David Schultz, and Muraco. They all were so sweet and so caring and so nice, especially Dr. D who, just a few months later, would attack a 20/20 reporter and get thrown out of the WWF. No. That wasn’t the Dr. D I met. I knew him as a great, giant guy who asked about my little league team and wanted to know how school was going.

My dad and I returned to Hersheypark Arena the next month when the WWF returned with an even bigger lineup but it wasn’t the same. More people were there, we didn’t go backstage, and the magic had disappeared just a little bit. These guys weren’t superheros, they were laborers with a difficult, painful jobs and good hearts. Their foreheads were full of scars, their arms and legs were full of canvas burns, they walked with limps, and they looked tired. From afar their costumes were beautiful and glamorous but up close they were torn, battered from overuse, and on their last legs.

I could never see them again with the same pre-event idolatry. My innocence was gone. They were human beings like me and my dad; they weren’t superheroes and they weren’t invincible. That second set of matches would be our last. We didn’t even return when Saturday Night’s Main Event was filmed there; we even missed a live Piper’s Pit!

I’m still a little sad that I never got to meet Superfly Snuka but that doesn’t stop my fond nostalgia and just because I saw what’s behind the curtain hasn’t spoiled my love for pro wrestling.

Pro wrestling is still fun and entertaining and exciting but it will never be as wonderful as it was before Hersheypark when I watched Jimmy Snuka jump from the top of a 15-foot steel cage and Superfly Smash Don Muraco. Nothing will ever top that.

Post from: EveryJoe

The WWF is Coming to Town (Part Two)