I know, I know… it’s been many… MANY moons since I have done a Tuesday Treasure Trove. Who knew that reviewing one game a week was such hard work? Didn’t I know I already have a hard enough time posting here once a week? Man, what was I thinking?

I FAIL AT LIFE.

Anyways.

I know that it’s been awhile since this game was out, but I’ve decided I’m going to review the new TellTale Games games: Sam and Max: Culture Shock and Sam and Max: Situation: Comedy since they’re kind of short. BY GOD, that’s a lot of colons.

Heh… I said colon.

Soooo, without further adoodoo (heh… more poo references), I bring you TREASURE TROVE TUESDAY NUMBER X.

My favorite dog and rabbit team begin the series off with a loving tale of mystery and seduction. Okay… there’s not really much seduction, unless you count the romance you can only find between a sarcastic dog and a homicidal rabbit. If that’s the case, then there’s plenty of seduction. Our two heroes start off their journey back in the office, a space filled with rats, trash, fish and knives, everything that two budding detectives need to solve the toughest of cases.

Where all the action begins.

Sam and Max get a tip that a bunch of former child stars from the 70s have been out terrorizing Sam and Max’s hood. These child stars, known as the Soda Poppers, must have been very unloved and malnourished as children, as they haven’t grown past three feet tall. It’s sad, really, what these 70s child stars must have endured to entertain the masses. And it’s even more sad when they fall into obscure stardom, like when they appear on VH1 Celebreality TV shows. Please, donate to the Former Child Stars in Need Foundation. We’re their only hope.

A very confused child star

As Sam and Max bust into full detective mode, they realize that there is something strange going on with these former child stars, and I’m not talking Danny Bonaduce strange… No, I’m talking about hypnosis strange. The three Soda Popper brothers seem to have a new obsession in life: promoting the new video “Eye Bo”, created by another former child star, with a huge assed afro, Brady Culture.

Why, prey tell, would the Soda Poppers be so into this Brady Culture chap? And why do they look hypnotized on top of that? Why are they painting homages to a guy with a big afro? Why does one of them have such a tiny bladder? Does he drink too much coffee? Doesn’t he know that coffee is a diuretic? It makes you poo a lot? I mean honestly.

Sam and Max must get to the bottom of this silliness before the entire world is hypnotized by the incredulous Brady Culture. It would be horrible if the entire world was ruled by this afroed freak. I mean, what if the entire world started growing afros? My hair just isn’t curly enough. I’d have to tease my hair until the cows came home.

Domo arigato, Mr. Desota

As far as the graphics go in Sam and Max: Culture Shock, I think TellTale did an awesome job of turning the once 2d Sam and Max into 3d characters. It’s not every day you can make a 3d character look all comically appealing and awesome. But, TellTale did a great job. I also think they did a fabulous job of finding voice actors that could pull off a really good Sam and Max voice. I love Max’s New York style accent… or maybe it’s a Boston accent? Um, I don’t really know. I’m from the west coast and anything that sounds remotely different is obviously from the east.

Great job on Culture Shock, TellTale. I give you 4.5 out of 5 pirate hats:

Now on to Situation: Comedy.

I had a lot of fun playing this episode of Sam and Max. Sam and Max start off once again in their offices, where they are waiting for a new porn to be delivered to their humble abode. Alright, they don’t really wait for porn. I just love working the word “porn” into any entry that I can. It makes things more exciting for my heart.

I bet that rat is cold.

Sam and Max get a call that a local tv talk show hostess, Myra, has taken her audience hostage. This, of course, means that Sam and Max must get down to the bottom of this nonsense, as there are hostages at stake and there’s only so much people can take of annoying, mother like tv talk show hostesses (is that the word I’m looking for? Hostesses? Surely, it’s not). I mean, I can barely stand to watch an hour of Oprah before I want to call my mom up and tell her all the things she did wrong when raising me. Not that she did anything wrong. Mom, if you ever read this, I was just kidding! I LOVE YOU. I AM THE PERSON I AM TODAY BECAUSE OF YOU. YES.

I ask you… never become a hard assed director.

S&M need to do something quick, so they drive their trusty Desoto down to the tv station, so that they may put an end to this foolishness. When they arrive at the tv station, however, they find that the station is severely lacking in the employee department. According to the director, the rest of the cast and crew have been taken hostage by Myra, and before S&M can make their way to see Myra, they must help the director film some very important tv shows, like Midtown Cowboys, which is not anything at all like Broke Back Mountain, but more about two bachelor cowboys who have an evil chicken landlord that won’t allow cows inside of apartments. THE HORROR.

Sam and Max must also prove to Myra that they are rich and famous, or they can’t even enter the Myra studio. That Myra is a sadistic biotch, alright.

Never put a cow in your apartment. Unless you love the smell of poo.

I had a lot of fun playing this episode, but was saddened when the ending came so quickly. I know, I know… these are EPISODIC GAMES AMBER. I understand they’re episodic… but I’m still allowed to be sad.

All in all, I give this episode a 4.5 out of 5 pirates hats as well.

Both games highly amused me for quite some time. The only real gripe I have about them is that they’re easy. Almost TOO easy. Quite honestly, I think I could figure out most of these puzzles even if I were drunk (which I may have… or may not have been while playing Culture: Shock). I’m really hoping that TellTale has made these first couple of games with the thought in their minds that they are going to give Sam and Max harder puzzles to delve into as the season progresses. I really hope so anyways. I know that the games are meant to be short, but you can always make a game a little longer by just throwing in some more difficult puzzles.

Even if they don’t change the difficulty of the puzzles, I’ll still play. I can’t let Sam and Max go that easily. I love you guys. *sniffs*

[images lovingly borrowed from gamespot]

Post from: EveryJoe

Treasure Trove Tuesday Numero X

So… this is the end of the Adventuress forever.

I thought I would go out with my very last Tuesday Treasure Trove and finish up my review of The Curse of Monkey Island: featuring Stan the Salesman and Guybrush Threepwood.

Let’s cut the chit chat, shall we and get on with this thing.

When we last left off, Guybrush has just taken some hangover remedy with a shot of his favorite alcoholic beverage. Unfortunately for him, he was killed.

And like I said… Dead… dead as a door nail.

That’s pretty dang dead if you ask me. I mean, nails aren’t EVER alive. Not even fingernails! They’re just dead skin. So, anything having to do with nails is dead and so was Guybrush.

Little did we know, however, is that when Guybrush mixed the Head -B- Clear with alcohol, it would cause DEATH LIKE symptoms. He only seemed as though he were dead, but he was taken to the local cemetery anyways.

When Guybrush finally wakes up, he finds himself trapped within a coffin. It is nailed down and shut tight. He bangs and he pushes and he cries… but just a little. He then grabs his trusty chisel and maneuvers the nails out that are holding him captive in his death box.

As he climbs out of his box, he is assaulted by the best known salesman, Stan. He can sell igloos to the Devil himself, I tell you. He’s that good!

Stan is the BOMB.

Plus, the igloo will even come with a porthole defroster! You can’t get a deal like that ANYWHERE else.

Guybrush goes along his way, finds the dead Goodsoup relative that holds the ring and finds out that she is a ghost. Ghosts are not cool and I was so scared during this part, I had to have my 4 year old brother play it.

Okay, it wasn’t that bad. I don’t even have a 4 year old brother.

Anyways… The dead relative cannot leave this world without her dead fiancé, who she cannot find. You have an idea of where he may be, as you walked in on his dead body laying in a bed. It was really not as sexy as it sounds, I promise. So, GB (Guybrush for those people who aren’t as cool as me), goes back to the dude, breaks a hole in the wall and then basically flings the corpse into the burial chamber of the dead Goodsoup. It was really romantic. I had a tear in my eye.

Can you believe he stole her ring?

Now, she can rest in peace and now GB can steal her ring.

He is one step closer to being reunited with Elaine.

Unfortunately, however, Guybrush steals the ring with no diamond in it. Now GB must find the diamond and he hears it’s on Skull Island.

GB now has to figure out how to blow this popcicle stand of an island and get to Skull Island.

He must find the Lost Welshman, who is the ferryman who will take him between the accursed island he currently exists on to Skull Island. The ferryman needs a light house which works. So, Guybrush gets some firebugs in a jar, a mirror, climbs to the top of the light house and places the firebugs and mirror in such a way as to provide a guiding light to the ferryman.

Now, this is a little far fetched. Firebugs do not have the voltage it takes to make a light that bright. Do you think back in the old days they used firebugs to light a light house that provided guidance to wary sailors out in the middle of the seven seas?! NO! They used angry old men who had to stay up all night tending to a candle. If these guys fell asleep on the job, hundreds of men may perish and well… that wouldn’t be good.

FIREBUGS WOULD NOT WORK.

It is just a game though.

Alright… moving on. Guybrush gets out to Skull Island, where he must play a game of cards with the inhabitants of Skull Island to win back the diamond. If he doesn’t win, he will be terminated, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Of course, Guybrush must cheat and cheaters never win, they say. The bad guys get up to shoot GB when a gust of wind blows out the candle lighting the joint up. Guybrush swipes the diamond and takes off for the ferryman’s boat.

GB is lucky he didn’t really piss these people off.

Guybrush leaves Skull Island to return to Blood Island and to retrieve his wife to be. All he has to do now is get the curse ring off of her hand, but it just won’t budge. He remembers Haggis’ lotion, which should do the trick, but Haggis won’t let him have the lotion unless he can find him a tar substitute.

He begins his search of the island at the hotel and finds a big hunk of cheese. Now, cheese can be tar like, if melted properly, but he needs to melt the cheese first. He can make nacho cheese if he can find a place to warm it up. There’s a pot outside the hotel with lava now running beneath it, since Guybrush blew up the volcano with his dastardly deeds. He throws the hunk ‘o cheese in the pot and now has a tar like nacho cheese.

GB delivers the nacho cheese to Haggis, his first or second mate, and Haggis now allows GB to take the lotion GB needs to apply to his ashy ass elbows.

Guybrush takes the lotion, finds Elaine’s statue and applies the lotion to the finger with the ring. The ring pops right off. FANTASTIC. Now his bride to be is without a cursed ring and that’s always good for the groom to be.

He creates a brand new wedding ring out of the engagement band he stole from the dead chick and the diamond he stole from the smugglers. Guybrush steals a lot. He puts the ring on his lovely lass and is promptly punched in the face. As well he should. HE’S ALWAYS SCREWING UP.

Now that Elaine is back to normal, LeChuck can spring in and kidnap both Guybrush and Elaine. Guybrush did all the dirty work and now LeChuck can once again make Elaine his dead pirate wife. Guybrush ends up in a pirate ride in an evil carnival that LeChuck has put together. The carnival is made to kill pirates that will then be part of LeChuck’s crew.

The lovely bride.

He is an evil undead pirate, after all.

Guybrush escapes, of course, but not without consequences. He is turned into a very small child. A child like Guybrush. He is short and he has a gigantic head. Why? I don’t know. Probably LeChuck wanting to get back at Guybrush some how, and what better way to do it than to make Guybrush a small, pain in the ass kid.

Notice the firey beard.

His head is so big… or maybe his body is tiny…

Guybrush now, of course, has to find a way to turn back into an adult. After harrassing the carnies at the carnival, he finds a snow cone that will make him large again. To me, it looks like he ate a pee snow cone, but different strokes for different folks.

Now, GB can kick some pirate butt once again. Guybrush enters the rollercoaster and does what every person who wants to ride a rollercoaster wants to do. He jumps off the coaster and starts wandering around behind the scenes. He encounters LeChuck once again as he’s finding away to destroy LeChuck. Fortunately, for Guybrush, there’s enough stuff in the rollercoaster area to cause a gigantic explosion.

Oh, if only he knew…

Guybrush finds a keg of rum, a rope and a perfect place to hide the would be bomb. As LeChuck is about to smoke Guybrush, GB pulls out his trusty pepper, blows it on LeChuck and causes LeChuck to sneeze. The sneeze causes LeChuck to blow flames out of both ends (I’m assuming) and the would be fuse catches on fire. The fuse reaches the rum and KABLOOIE.

The carnival is a bust. And it blew up, too.

Of course Guybrush gets away. How, I do not know. But remember this is the same game that used firebugs to light up a light house.

IMPLAUSIBLE, YES. Possible? Apparently.

With LeChuck “dead”, Guybrush can now marry Elaine and they live happily ever after.

THE FREAKING END.

Obviously, I throughly enjoyed this game and have played it on MANY DIFFERENT OCCASSIONS. I definitely give this game a 4.5 out of 5 monkey hats.

Why only 4.5? THE ENDING SUCKED… All that work for a craptastic ending. Oh well, at least game play was fun.

LATER.

P.S.: HAHA.. PSYCH. This isn’t my last entry! I lied! Stay tuned next week for another Tuesday Treasure Trove. I LAUGH BECAUSE I TRICKED EVERYONE.

I’m such a loser.

Post from: EveryJoe

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero IX Part 3

Well, hello there, my children of the adventuring night. I’m glad that you’ve come back to continue this crazy episode of…..

TUESDAY TREASURE TROVE!!!

If you don’t remember what the first part was about, because you’re a slacker and failed to read my entries yesterday (you will be punished, don’t worry), you may do so here: click on me if you want to live!

You’d better click on that link if you didn’t read yesterday’s entry, or you may explode.

I’m just sayin’.

You might as well not take any chances.

You never know what’ll happen.

Heed my words.

Do it.

Did you do it yet?

I’m totally waiting.

*taps foot*

Oh, you’re done? Sorry, I was doing my nails.

Alright! Good! Now we may continue with our glorious hero’s story.

Last time on Tuesday Treasure Trove…

Guybrush is captured by dirty ghost pirates. He finds a ring, of course, because he is the man. He ESCAPES the clutches of the dirty ghost pirate LeChuck and makes off to the nearest island to freedom. He then proposes to the love of his life, Elaine Marley, with the ring he found. As he puts the ring on, he finds out that the ring is a voodoo evil pirate ring that turns its wearers into the purest gold. Now, Elaine is a gold statue and he must find a way to help his lovely lady. He must find an island with the curse removal tool, a ship to get to the island and a crew to sail the ship to the island.

And, he does all these things. Now it’s back to our review!

Now, after Guybrush recovers the map to Blood Island he let another pirate stole, he makes his way to… Blood Island with his mighty crew of miscreants. On his way to Blood Island, however, there is a mighty storm, coming from the wraith of Poseidon himself. The ship is thrown across the sea, as though it was a baby three headed monkey being thrown by an angry mother monkey. With one mighty furl of Poseidon’s mighty waves, the ship crashes against an island.

It just so happens to be the island that they are looking for. Blood Island.

As Guybrush picks himself off the beach and brushes the sand from his pants, he turns around to find his crew has mutinied. Yes, they want to go back to their previous occupation of being barbers and there’s nothing Guybrush can do to talk them into being blood thirsty pirates. However, Guybrush and the would be barbers are all stranded and they will get Guybrush back to Puerto Pollo if he can find the materials to fix the ship.

The adventure must being once again for Guybrush on this new island. As he walks about the island, he comes across a hotel. As he enters the hotel and begins to pilfer through the belongings of the owner as he tends to do in these adventuring situations, he finds that he cannot take a jar located on the bar, as the bartender and owner of the hotel, Goodsoup, has a hangover and needs a cure for it quickly. Guybrush eyeballs a recipe book on the same bar and goes through it. In it, he finds a recipe for a hangover cure. He now must find all of these ingredients. Ahhh, just another task for the mighty Guybrush.

The hotel of DEATH.

Outside the hotel.

Guybrush decides to wander the island some more, in search of more people that he can destr… I mean become friends with. He meets his old friends from Monkey Island I, the cannibals, but learns that they are no longer cannibals, but instead tofu friendly, veggie eating, fruit loving hippies. No red meat for them anymore, for they are worried about the health impact that red meat may have on them. Guybrush learns that they now worship a lactose intolerant volcano god and if this god has so much as one drop of lactose, he will literally explode. Guybrush, being the awesome pirate he is, decides that enough is enough and he must have his revenge for them locking him up many moons ago.

Well, not really revenge. It just sounds better in this story.

So, Guybrush dresses himself as a cannibal in a tofu mask and makes his way to the worshipping zone of the cannibalistic cannibals. Having a large wheel of cheese tucked away in his pants that he stole from the hotel down at the bottom of the volcano, he chucks the wheel into the vast expanse of the volcano. The volcano god becomes angry as his lactose intolerance rises to the breaking point. The volcano explodes.

Awesome. Guybrush has once again unleashed death and destruction on his path to achieving elite pirate status.

Guybrush’s cannibal friends who he will destroy. He’s mean.

Guybrush now goes back to finding a cure for Goodsoup’s hangover. He cannot let a fellow buccaneer suffer in the face of agony. After rescuing Goodsoup from his hangover, Guybrush must convince him that he, too, is a Goodsoup to hear about all the family secrets. To do this, he must take Goodsoup’s dear Uncle Griswold’s portrait and use it as his own face. After tricking Goodsoup into thinking that he is a family member, Goodsoup lets out all the family secrets, including the secret of the Goodsoup family diamond. Oh, a diamond. Guybrush’s interests are peeked. It turns out, however, that the diamond now belongs to a dead aunt of Goodsoup’s. Guybrush asks how he can get into the family tomb to retrieve the diamond and Goodsoup replies that he must die first.

Guybrush can manage to die with the best of them, so with the rest of the hangover cure that Goodsoup gave him, which boasts that he should not drink it with alcohol or death like symptoms may occur, he mixes the remedy with some booze. He takes the mixture and drinks it to the last drop. The world turns an array of colors before Guybrush falls from his stool, dead.

Dead as a doornail.

Or maybe… dead LIKE a doornail.

MUAHAHHAHA!

I’m going to make this the longest Tuesday Treasure Trove EVER.

Come back NEXT WEEK for the rest of this epic tale.

Post from: EveryJoe

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero IX Part 2

Hail, my minions! How art thou? I amith finith!

Yes! I am stalling!

I did not play a game over the weekend.

Well, that’s not true. I watched my brother play Kingdom Hearts II in my living room that was about 2,000 degrees. I hate living in the desert… with an air conditioner that doesn’t work. How am I expected to play the awesome adventure games when I can’t see through my sweat?! TELL ME PLEASE!!!

So, for today’s Treasure Trove, I will reach the DARK RECESSES OF MY MIND and try to remember a game I haven’t played for YEARS.

Now, to do this, I will have to do 10 back flips in a row and then run around in circles.

Excuse me for a minute.

……. (20 minutes pass) …….

AHHH!! My brain has been rejuvenated!

TODAY! I will review The Curse of Monkey Island by the EVIL Satan like developers from HELL, LucasArts. As you may recall, I am not a fan of the LucasFarts. They used to be awesome back in their hey day, with all their awesome adventure titles. Then they went to the dark side and now all they do is try to use “The Force” and they’ve come up with a bunch of POO! That’s right! I said it! POO!

Here is what I say to you, LucasFarts!

MUAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!

I feel long winded today, so if you haven’t ever play The Curse of Monkey Island or don’t want to be spoiled, do not proceed, my friends. Do not proceed.

Alright, so I’m going to get on with my entry for the day. Like I said, I shall speak of The Curse of Monkey Island.

In the Curse of Monkey Island, we start out with our hapless hero, Guybrush Threepwood. He is drifting along forlornly in a carnie’s bumper car in the middle of the ocean without any hope in the world. He writes his last words in his good ol’ journal as he feels he is soon going to perish. He’s so hungry, but there’s nothing to eat. He’s so thirsty, but there’s nothing to drink. If only he had some fruit to clear up the scurvy he knew he would acquire.

Poor lonely Guybrush.

But, as this nincompoop drifts along the currents of the open seas, a battle is ensuing close to him and he doesn’t even realize it. If only knew there was safety only a few hundred feet away. But wait! A shot from a skeleton’s lucky cannon and Guybrush is ripped out of his revere and thrown cruelly into the icy cold waters of the Caribbean (yes, I know they’re not ICY COLD. It’s TROPICAL. I’m trying to set up a story here!).

Alas, for poor Guybrush, he is picked up by a ghost pirate ship where he is then interrogated by the only other living being on the ship, Willy. Willy is all of 4 feet, but he packs a mean whollop! He carries a gun and a hook and no one shall cross the evil Willy.

But Guybrush remembers Willy from his past. A dark past, filled with acid and ropes and a monocle! You see, Willy was in another adventure from Guybrush’s past, in which LeChuck was seeking his revenge for stealing the only woman LeChuck had ever known, Elaine.

Willy is an angry bastard.

Guybrush couldn’t believe that Willy had sunk so low as to become a dirty pirate on the decks of LeChuck’s dirty ghost pirate ship.

Guybrush knows he can save Willy before he, too, becomes an evil dead pirate. After much poking and proding of Willy’s character, Guybrush finds that Willy doesn’t really want to be a pirate. He’s unhappy at his current post, but LeChuck made it sound so good. Willy weeps his heart out onto the deck of the ghost ship and is no longer useful to the Ghost Pirate LeChuck.

With Willy out of the way, now Guybrush can get back at those dirty rotten skeletons. He looks out a porthole, which also happens to house a cannon. While peeking out into the vastness of the sea, he spots skeletons on the horizon, floating in life boats. These skeletons are attacking an island in the distance. An island that holds Guybrush’s love, Elaine. Guybrush now knows what he must do. He must save Elaine.

With that in mind, Guybrush takes to the cannons and starts annihilating the skeleton horde in their ships. One by one, Guybrush takes the skeletons out. He must remember, however, that the skeletons are undead beings and cannot be killed. As Guybrush sticks his head out the porthole once again to take view of the carnage he has inflicted upon the undead crew, he finds a skeletal head floating amongst the rubble.

He comes to find out that this floating head is Murray, an evil undead overlord who will destroy you if you so much as lay a finger on him. After a brief conversation with Murray, you decide enough if enough of his lipless head and you push him into the depths of the sea with a good ol’ stick.

Goodbye good Murray. You will be missed.

Eventually, Guybrush’s arch nemesis, LeChuck, pulls out a voodoo cannon ball with the intent of making Elaine his undead bride once again. Unfortunately for LeChuck, the cannon ball falls to the deck of the ship and an explosion sounds.

With the explosion, the ship has gone belly up and now Guybrush is in quite the predicament. He is in the hull of the ship with no way out. He does, however, find the riches of LeChuck’s boat, such as a diamond ring that he feels will be perfect for Elaine. He will ask her hand in marriage.

He loves the voodoo that you do…

But how will he get out? He looks amongst the rubble of the ship and finds a porthole. He believes he can fit through the porthole, but with the water pressing against it, he is unable to open the blasted thing. He realizes he has just the thing to cut through porthole glass, however, and takes his newly found diamond ring, presses against the glass firmly and cuts out a wide circle.

He did not realize, however, that water would come rushing in after the integrity of the glass was compromised.

When Guybrush wakes up next, he is on the shore of the island his love, Elaine, was on. He finds her and asks for her hand in marriage. As he puts the ring he found upon the ship onto Elaine’s finger, Willy, your good ol’ pal recognizes the ring as a Voodoo pirate ring that turns anyone who wears it into gold. Elaine, in her rage, starts to pull a fist back to pulverize Guybrush and turns into stone.

Now Guybrush must find a way to save his love from the cold grasps of the golden princess that she has become. Guybrush is on his way to another adventure, once again.

Guybrush comes across a familiar voodoo lady who seems to follow him from island to island. Strange, yes, but in a way, Guybrush is thankful for she has given him a clue as to what he needs to do to save Elaine. He must find Blood Island, for it holds an uncursed ring that will bring Elaine out of her voodoo coffin of doom.

She is a wise voodoo lady.

With a new mission in life, Guybrush must find a crew, a boat and of course, a map to Blood Island.

After speaking with the voodoo lady, it comes to pass that Elaine is STOLEN! She is, after all made of pure gold.

Now, Guybrush must find his lady love AND a ship, map and crew.

As Guybrush wanders this new island oasis of Puerto Pollo, or The Port of Chickens in English, he meets new people. He must put a crew together, all of whom he must recruit from the local barber. Each of the barbers, however, have a different task that you must accomplish.

The barbers three

The Port of Chickens.

After accomplishing these tasks, he now has a crew.

He also gets a ship from a mischievous bunch of monkeys and must also get a map, which just happens to be located on someone’s back.

I wish my Captain was an ape. OH THE POWER I WOULD HOLD.

Mr. Threepwood then sets sail after collecting all items needed, but how can you be a pirate without the use of insults in a close combat fight? Guybrush also must acquire a sharp tongue, or he will perish on the seven seas.

I know! I shall continue tomorrow!!!

Post from: EveryJoe

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero IX

Yes… I finally did it… I finally finished my longest journey EVER. Actually, I think this was one of the longer adventure games I ever played. Who ever heard of paying full price for an adventure game and be entertained by it for more than 10 hours?! That’s just LUDICROUS, I tell ya… LUDICROUS.

So, yes… My longest journey ever just so happens to be The Longest Journey by FunCom. This game came before another game I previewed called Dreamfall: The Longest Journey and man… was that good. I had some very high expectations for this game and it totally met and rose past them.

Let’s get this party started, homies!

The game starts off with this crazy old lady sitting around in a rocking chair telling stories to these two young whipper snappers. They ask her “Please tell us about the story of how the Balance was saved and how monkeys attacked the space station with the skeleton sword.”

Okay… there were no monkeys or skeleton swords. But there was a space station, oddly enough.

Anywho. The old woman, Lady Alvane, starts to weave her tell and we start our game off. Throughout the game, we learn just exactly what the “Balance” is. Stick with me and you’ll find out, too.

Lady Alvade talking to April.

Xena references. I like Xena.

The main character is April Ryan. You get to play her throughout the game. She’s a smart assed college student who is majoring in art. She left her home on bad terms and she seems to dislike her dad.

Why do I think she doesn’t like her dad? Because she said she’d chainsaw his head in his sleep if she could. She is sadistic, that April Ryan.

Okay, she didn’t actually say ANYTHING about a chainsaw, but wouldn’t that be cool? If I didn’t like my dad, I’d chainsaw his head. Maybe that’s just me, though.

April doesn’t really know what she wants to do with her life at the beginning. She’s kind of restless and can’t really focus on her art. She’s suppose to be in an art show in a few days and just can’t find the energy to finish her project. She’s afraid if she does finish it, it’ll be half assed.

Don’t worry, sister… that’s going to be the least of your problems by the end of the game.

FunCom sure does like having girls run around in their undies.

April also has a job as a waitress. Her boss is a real a-hole… he also happens to be Russian. I work with a Russian and she can be a real a-hole, too. I wonder if it runs in the country. Anyways… There’s a job… there’s school, but still, something is missing.

As you progress in the game a little bit, April meets this freaky guy named Cortez. Everyone says he’s crazy and at first you think he’s crazy, too. Cortez tells April that she’s been put on the Earth to save the world. That it is her destiny. April things “Umm, WTF. I’m an art student and I’m 18. I can barely comb my hair in the mornings. I can’t save the world.”

See, the problem with Cortez is that he’s so weird, that April doesn’t really want to listen to him. Cortez basically tells her that there is two parts of the world they are living on. There is a scientific part, which is called Stark and that just so happens to be where April lives. And then there’s the magical part called Arcadia. Now, the Gods long ago seperated the two parts of the world for reasons I can’t remember. Something about balancing out the world, because people were doing bad things with Science AND Magic all being together. Blah blah. So, the Gods appointed 4 guardian dragon things to make sure magic stayed in Arcadia and science stayed in Stark. The guardian dragons were each given a jewel which was a key. Then there’s the Guardian. This poor person is elected to spend 1,000 years in the middle of the two worlds to keep them balanced out. Well, the Guardian has been kidnapped and now stuff is happening that shouldn’t be.

April being a biotch.

One of the things that happens to April that makes her believe in all this crappin’ mumbo jumbo is that this weird little alien looking guy jumps out of the juke box at work to play the flute for everyone. Everyone stops in their tracks as they watch this weird little beasty dance about.

This guy helps April a lot. He makes an Evil Dead reference. I like Evil Dead.

A gay cop. He’s very out.

Yeah, that ain’t suppose to happen in Stark.

Also, April’s landlord tells her something weird happened on her tv that just creeped her out. She said it seemed magical and stuff.

Right.

So, April goes back to Cortez and she believes him finally. He tells April she is what they call a shifter. A shifter happens to be a person who can jump between the two parts of the world at any time. At the beginning, she cannot control her shifting abilities, but as the game progresses, she finally gets to become ULTIMATE SHIFTER. Since her shifting powers suck at first, Cortez helps her go to Arcadia to find out exactly what’s going on, now that’s she’s the savior of the worlds and crap.

While in Arcadia, she meets a whole slew of weird and interesting things. She meets mole people, a woman who likes to cannibalize other people (delicious), people who have blue skin and weird ears, people who have no idea what time frame they’re in, so they use every single word tense that is possible in one sentence (very confusing, I know. I played the game and I’m still confused), a race of people called darkmen who collect every single word ever written and then archive them, stonemen who were made into stone from a crazy wizard named Klack you also have to defeat, stickmen who talk, a giant, people with crabs… erm, I mean crab people… mermaid people and people who fly around like bats who are at war with the mermaid people. Of course, you have to help these two groups to love one another, so that’s always a task… (longest run on sentence I have ever made. SCORE)

Oh and there’s a bird who talks. He becomes your buddy and you name him Crow. He helps you throughout your stay in Arcadia.

Tormenting Crow

While in Arcadia, she has to find all sorts of stones and keys and disks to put the world back together how it should be. These stones and jewels are keys to the puzzle that are the Guardian.

Along the way, she is being stalked by the people who stole the Guardian in the first place. Apparently, this is a group of people who know all about the two worlds. They want to make the two worlds one again, because then this group can have the ultimate power of EVERYTHING, I guess. The leader of this group is a guy by the name of McAllen. McAllen is a bit of an a-hole, you see. He has stolen the Guardian with the intention of putting his own Guardian into place to bring the worlds together. He wants everything you have gathered throughout your adventure to fix the world. He’s planning on using it for his own evil deeds of doom. He’s also captured Cortez, because Cortez has been talking too much. He always was a yapper.

Now, April has a map that tells the location of where the balance between the two worlds is. She, of course, does not want to tell McAllen about this place, so to change her toon, he throws her in a room with an evil mutant monster that looks like he has his intestines on the outside of his body.

Yummy.

Of course, April escapes his clutches, but not without some mystical help. Cortez comes to the rescue, zaps the bad guy. McAllen finds out about this, rushes to where you are and encounters Cortez.

It turns out, Cortez and McAllen are brothers…. and not just the normal kind of brothers, either. They both so happen to be the Dragons who were sent to Stark to protect it. Interesting turn of events. Freaking Cortez is a freaking dragon.

Cortez takes McAllen out and that’s the end of Cortez and McAllen, because of course they both fall to their deaths together. Just like siblings should.

Eventually, April will find the Guardian, Adrian. They go into a space station, and find the rift between the two worlds. Adrian is almost done with his tenure as a Guardian and tells April she is to be the next Guardian. Turns out everyone was wrong.

April gets some lovin’ pills from the men’s bathroom on the space station. Why is she in the men’s bathroom? Because the women’s bathroom was locked! Jerks.

April spikes a guard’s drink on the Space Station with some lovin’ pills.

April leaving the space station. Save April. Save April Ryan.

It isn’t April who will Balance the two worlds. She’s just a stinkin’ pawn. Another guy, one of McAllen’s henchmen, who McAllen stole as a child, is to become the next Guardian. This guy, however, is not balanced. He has a chaotic side that’s roaming around free in the two worlds and then there’s the cruel, calculating side. The henchman attacks Adrian and April must put the two halves of the henchman back together to make him whole.

April’s dad. She has to forgive him to get past a trial.

Of course, she does that. And now a new Guardian is born and the world is whole again.

MAN. That was a long review. But, I sure did have a lot of fun playing this game.

It had a great story, in my opinion. I loved how you had to go back and forth between the two worlds using your scientific brain in one world and your fantasy, magic brain in another.

Now, I’ve heard word that The Longest Journey was a far better game than Dreamfall. I, myself, found them to be equally entertaining. That is why I’m going to give The Longest Journey the same amount of pirate hats that I gave Dreamfall.

It gets a 5 out of 5 hats.

Oh yes. It was awesome.

Post from: EveryJoe

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero VIII

Man! I just BARELY finished Gabriel Knight 1: Sins of the Father and it’s 9:44 PM on a Tuesday night! I am a slacker! Now see… I played Gabriel Knight 1 many many years ago. Probably when I was a young lass of about 15… or less. Who knows. It’s amazing how much of a difference games you’ve played are. I may actually remember playing it this time… and then when I go play it again 10 years from now, I may actually remember the puzzles I did instead of redoing them ALL OVER. DANGIT.

Alright… Like I said, I played Gabriel Knight 1: Sins of the Fathers which was produced by Sierra On-Line. Play it!

So, we start off as Gabriel Knight… he’s a rare book store owner and he’s got this sassy desk clerk named Gracie who does all of his work. What’s new, right? A woman doing the man’s job!?

No offence to you guys out there. I love you all. :D

Anywho… Gabriel keeps having these weird nightmares… he sees this old guy and then some chick catch on fire… then he sees the old dude crying and then the chick turns into a leopard and leaps out of the fire… and then like… a monkey with only one leg jumps out at him and rips his ears off and eats them. And then he sees the old guy again looking stunned and then a dagger… and blood being splashed upon this weird necklace thing and then he’s hanging from a rope around his neck and he’s… well, he’s dead.

Yeah… that sounds like the kind of nightmare you wish you had every night.

And he does. Believe me.

Well, except for one night and instead of sleeping, he’s out shagging some chick.

So, you start off after your dream in your bookshop on Day 1. This game takes you day by day and each day you finish different tasks.

You stumble out of your bedroom and are instantly insulted by Gracie. She basically tells you that you look like hell. She’s so sweet throughout the entire game. That’s why I like her. SARCASM IS KEY. They start off talking about a book that Gabriel is working on. You see, he’s a writer… he writes books. Gracie tells you your buddy, who happens to be a cop, wants to talk to you. Great! It must be a lead into the story you’re writing about voodoo that’s going down in your home town of New Orleans.

Mmmm… enchiladas. I just thought this screenshot was funny.

There are these group of people going around town, killing people. The murders are all done in an ancient voodoo style… with chickens and snakes and blood and symbols… you know, that weird stuff. Gabriel is intrigued with what is going on with these murders for some reason, so he takes it upon himself to research it.

See… creepy voodoo.

Well, he finds out that The Fuzz are saying the murders have nothing to do with voodoo… that it’s all a bunch of fake voodoo. Fake voodoo is the worse.

Meanwhile, as you’re learning all this stuff about voodoo and murders, you find out this weird German guy has been trying to get into touch with you. You have no idea who he is, but he’s pretty persistent. You go on over to your Grandma’s house, eat a couple of cookies and try to find out who this weird guy is who wants to talk to you. Your gran doesn’t really know who the dude is. So you wander upstairs into the attic and find some weird pictures of your grandpap and some other weird dudes. You talk to your gran again and eventually you learn by the end of the game that your grandfather changed his last name when he immigrated to the United States and that the guy who’s been trying to call you is your grandpa’s brother, your Uncie Wolfgang.

Are you intrigued yet?

The guy wants you to go to Germany, because New Orleans is a very dangerous place. Wolfgang has also been having dreams about your and your untimely death at the end of a good ol’ hangin’ rope.

You want to break this case, though, so you decline and tell the old coot to take a hike. However, you learn that your family’s history is closely related to all the deaths of the people in the Voodoo Murders.

UT OH!

You meet a girl who has strong bloodties to the early days of New Orleans. She’s rich, powerful and very well respected. You, being the hunk that you are, woo the woman into your arms. But guess what? THIS WOMAN IS THE SAME WOMAN WHO IS IN CHARGE OF ALL THE VOODOO DEATHS. Wow! What a wicked web you weave, Sir Gabriel Knight.

The woman of your dreams is dancing around half naked. What a bimbo.

You see… there are these things in Voodoo culture called Loas and apparently, these are some bad assed spirits that take over your body, whether you want them to or not. You see, Gabriel’s girlfriend, Malia, has roots in all this crazy voodoo stuff. Apparently, one of her ancestors, Tetelo, became a Lao and she just happens inhabits the body’s of all of her decendents at very inappropriate times. Apparently, Gabriel’s ancestor did Tetelo wrong… You see, Gabriel’s grandpa and Tetelo were madly in love at one time. Tetelo however was a Voodoo High Queen or something and Gabriel’s bloodline just happens to be the Schattenjger, or Shadow Hunters… you know, they guys who kill Voodoo High Queens. So… apparently Gabriel’s grandpa tried to destroy Tetelo, even after they had fallen in love and now Tetelo was PISSED OFF at Gabriel’s family.

And now she takes over the body’s of her decendents. Sounds fun, right?

This is why you don’t piss people off. Because they will follow you THROUGH ETERNITY, like a bad rash.

Gabriel unravels this whole story… goes off to Germany to become the new Shadow Hunter, because his Uncie Wolfgang took off to try to help you out.

Gabriel doing his Schattenjger ritual. You think something weird is happening and you find out it’s just your maid.

This is where you become a Schattenjger. Isn’t that an alcoholic beverage? Oh wait… That’s Jagermeister.

You find Wolfgang in Africa in which you find the Talisman Necklace you have been dreaming about. Apparently this necklace has some bad juju connected to it and it scares the crap out of Tetelo. She doesn’t want you or your family to have it, so she hid it in Africa… of course!

Now, there’s this craptastic puzzle in this place that you have to figure it out and once you do, mummy’s come to life and if they touch you, they rip out your heart and your brain… all in one finishing move that Mortal Kombat would be proud of.

I hate those bastard mummy’s.

Never let a mummy eat your brain.

MAY THEY BURN IN HADES.

After you get past the evil mummy’s from Tartarus, you find your Uncle Wolfgang. He’s an old dude that has some heart problem after fighting of the mummy’s you brought to life. You’re so thoughtful, Gabriel knight. Apparently, your Talisman lies under this big heavy table that will only move if you put a heart on it. A human heart. Yummy!

Well, you find a dead mummy, try to take its heart out with your knife, which for some reason is tied to your Uncle Wolfgang! As you stab the mummy, Wolfgang’s heart is ripped out of his chest and then placed upon the dais which raises the table!

Now Uncie Wolfgang really has some heart problems! Good job!

You curse the day you ever heard of this evil Tetelo, and you swear you will have your revenge! All this after only knowing Uncle Wolfgang for AN ENTIRE 2 DAYS!

You go back to the US to find Gracie missing. Those freakin’ voodoo guys have got her and took them to their secret lair of doom! In here, you have a couple more puzzles you must go through. Eventually you come upon Tetelo, who is inhabiting your girlfriend, Malia’s body. You scare her with the Talisman, but she eventually gets you beneathe her grasp.

You get away from her, break the idol that holds her soul and now it’s up to you as to whether you save your girlyfriend or kill the retched beast that is Tetelo.

Hmm, what to do?

Think about it.

Okay! Let’s kill Tetelo with your knife!

Oh… that’s no good. Malia finds out you betrayed her just like your Grandpa betrayed Tetelo and she decides you’re no good for her. She takes her whip, wraps it around your neck and pulls you into the abyss below to be with her for all eternity!

You are dead. Don’t cry.

Alright… Let’s restore it to right before the point where you axed Tetelo with your knife. You give Malia a hand. OH NO! She can’t get a good enough grip! Plus Tetelo has stabbed you right in the arm! OUCH! Your grip is too weak. Malia does not want her love to fall into the abyss with her, so she says she loves you and lets go!

That’s so sad.

But so true to life. You don’t know how many significant others I have lost to the abyss of love.

Your girlfriend just died, but Gracie is still not very nice. I love it!

Anyways. That’s the story.

Long winded, I know, but it’s now 10:21 PM and all I have left is my rambling skillz.

I loved this game. It had a lot of cool puzzles, humor and a fantastic story. The only thing I didn’t like about the game was the stupid ass narrator. She was some old voodoo sounding crone. I don’t get it. Why not get someone upbeat and happy?

I gave this game a 3.5 out of 5 pirate hats.

Love me tender and love me true.

Post from: EveryJoe

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero VII

Uh…

Okay… I played a game for Tuesday Treasure Trove #6… but. Um. Well.

See the thing is… I found a short game on Adventure Game Studio because… Um. I was busy over the weekend and didn’t have time to play! Ahhh! You’ve gotten it out of me! What kind of adventuress am I?

Please read on, loyal viewers.

So… I picked out the silliest game EVAR and this is what I came up with.

Chick Chaser by Aussie.

Yes… I did say Chick Chaser. I bet you can’t guess what you do in this game?

THAT’S RIGHT! You chase chicks around!

This game is kind of like a Leisure Suit Larry meets idiotic college dude. The difference, though, is that the idiotic college dude realizes the error of his ways and realizes that his ideas of women are in the wrong place.

Yeah…

So, you start off with a cutscreen of Andrew, the main man, and his buddy, Mahatma, who just happens to call himself Dr. Love. Well, Andrew is caught drooling over some chick by his girlfriend and she’s none to happy. It turns out that Andrew missed a date with her last night and boy… is she pissed. She decides right then and there to break up with his sorry arse (that one’s for you, Gnome).

Yeah… I bet Andrew agrees with whatever she says. Woman objectification in progress!

Andrew is a bit taken aback, because tonight is the night of the big party! OMG!

What is he going to do without a girl to take to a party!? LIFE MAY BE OVER WITHOUT A GIRL.

So, with the help of your friend, Mahatma, you try to figure out what you should do about the party. Your buddy tells you to find another date. HAH! That’s easier than it sounds. You just happen to be a stupid college student with a beer gut.

Sucks to be you.

Throughout the game, you meet a couple of girls who might be possible dates to the big party. You have to figure out a way to get them to like you. There’s a girl who likes the intellectual types… well, you just happen to be a moron who can barely read. What do you do to get her to like you? And then there’s a girl who likes the jock type… You know… all muscley and stuff. Well, you just happen to be fat. And probably stinky, but since I can’t smell characters on a computer game, I can’t tell you if that’s true or not. And then there’s a girl who wants you to help her cheat on a test. You help her out, get the exam for her and it turns out she can’t go to the party with you, because she already has different arrangements. But this doesn’t stop her from kissing you. That dirty tramp!

After you realize there’s no women left to date you, you go to the party anyways. And low and behold… The three women you’ve asked to go with you to the party are standing around talking about you.

You may ask, what are they talking about?

Well, apparently your friend, Mahatma, has bribed them into tricking you into talking to them. Your girlfriend finds out about you talking to all these women. There are pictures, you know. There’s one of you talking to the intellectual girl… and then another one of you talking to the girl who likes muscles. And then there’s the most incriminating evidence of all… The picture of you kissing another girl. Your girlfriend decides to date Mahatma instead and runs off with him to his family’s cabin.

You must find the cabin. Of course you have to sneak into the Dean’s office to find out where this is. Once you do that, you head out on a bus to your buddy’s house and find the girl of your dreams… your girlfriend. You’ve finally realized that you can’t go through life looking at other chicks, because it’s just not fair to your girl.

Life sure sucks when you’re missing your girl

Man, no wonder your chick left you.

Uhhh huh.

I’m sure you’re still following me, right?

Well if you are, then you’ll see this:

Shocking, isn’t it? Well, not so much shocking as weird. Look at the pineapple in underwear!!

Oh! You ARE still with me. You must be a true Adventuress fan.

Anyways… Andrew wins his girl over and gets married in the end and that is that.

That is quite the wedding when you need a bouncer.

Wasn’t that exciting?

Yeah, not really.

I gave this game a 1 out of 5 pirate hats, because I was only mildly entertained. And the puzzles sucked… and the music was midi files of old songs from like the 60s.

Is that being too harsh? I hope not…

Anyways… next week, I plan on playing The Longest Journey, because I happened to get my grubby little hands on it! Yay!

Post from: EveryJoe

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero VI

Am I babbling?

Of course I am! The adventuress always babbles!

Alright… fine… ON WITH THE REVIEW!

This weekend, I actually drug my butt to the local gaming store and bought meself a copy of Dreamfall – The Longest Journey by Funcom.

Dreamfall is a sequel to The Longest Journey. Now, I have never played The Longest Journey, but based upon reviews from such respected sources as Gamespot, who by the way gave The Longest Journey a 9.3, and based upon the fact that I LOVED Dreamfall, I’ll definitely have to order it.

By the way, if someone knows where I can buy The Longest Journey from a non-German site, I’d be grateful, because seriously. I can only read the English.

I AM A PIG HEADED AMERICAN, YOU KNOW!

So, you start the game off watching this dude named Brian Westhouse, whom is writing in his journal about finding the true path and how he’s not sure he’s on it or not. Now, like I said before, I don’t know if Brian was in The Longest Journey, but I’m assuming he was, otherwise, the beginning scene was relatively useless to the ENTIRE GAME.

But besides that, I thought the game was excellently done. It had a terrific science-fiction storyline which went as follows:

The main character you get to play, Zoe Castillo (who likes to run around in her underwear quite a bit), and I think she’s British or something. I know she’s from Casablanca, but she’s got a British accent. Do they have British accents in Casablanca? I don’t know how THAT works, but whatever. The year is 2219, 10 years after this big disturbance in their communications systems. Apparently there’s this stupid static that screws everything up and when the year is 2219, you just don’t expect static on your lines.

Zoe in a coma. Shhhh, she’s sleeping!

Here you see Zoe in her underwear… in front of her dad. WTF?

So, you begin to play Zoe. She’s watching tv and then there’s this weird bit of static. A girl pops up on the screen, with all this static dispersed in between and the girl says “Find April. Zoe… Find April.” Yeah, it’s kinda creepy, but this is the first sign that something is wrong…

Zoe figures it’s just the Static causing all the problems, so she’s blows it off. She then starts planning on putting together a little get together that night and with her dad heading on out of town, she’s excited. She talks to some friends, goes to the gym and then gets a phone call from her ex-boyfriend who asks her to meet him at a coffee hangout downtown. He sounds kinda paniced, so Zoe agrees.

Zoe gets over to see her ex, Reza, who asks her to go pick up an important document. He’s a reporter, you see, and doesn’t have time right now to pick up this document. So, Zoe, being the loyal ex that she is, agrees once again.

Wonkers – Zoe’s little buddy.

THIS is where the action starts. You get to the building Reza sends you to and are told that there is no package for you. The woman behind the counter seems a bit miffed and startled and really wants you to leave RIGHT NOW. Zoe is concerned that there’s something going on. You trick the woman behind the desk to go look for the package and while she’s gone, you walk to behind the computer to open a sealed door. She sees you and you have to start kicking some ass, before she brains you. See, this is an ACTION ADVENTURE game, so you get to fight and crap. The fight sequences are kinda lame, but I’m not really in these games to fight. I want to adventure, damnit!

Fight Sequences

After you find the woman who you’re suppose to get the package from… well, stuff happens. Reza goes missing, so Zoe goes to find him. She goes through this long process of tracking him down, but throughout the game, you keep seeing the same little girl on several tv screens telling you to find April… Find April Ryan. Save April Ryan.

OVER AND OVER. This girl is relentless.

Save April… Save April Ryan.

As you progress through the game, you eventually do find April Ryan, who lives in a different reality, which is far behind on the technology. Zoe enters a dream-like state, brought on by these two weird Japanese twins, which sends Zoe to the different reality. As you’re there, you find April and find out that April is in a battle of her own. April does not believe in much these days and is unsympathetic to Zoe’s problems. She basically tells Zoe it isn’t her problem and to get over it.

So, Zoe gets back to her world and you get to start playing April. In April’s world, there’s these weird, holier than thou, people roaming around, taking over cities. They sound like missionaries… you know the kind. “Your ways are heathenistic. Repent or DIE.” April doesn’t like these guys and sets up a resistance to push these guys out. Now these missionaries have taken all the magic users in her city and put them in this little ghetto, much to their dismay. So, you get to play a pissed off April who hates the world, doesn’t care if she gets killed, and who is trying to push out the missionaries.

THEN… get this… You get to play one of the actual missionaries. He’s a big, cool apostle. His bosses ask him to go find this “Scorpion” person, who is leading the resistance. So, you get to play both sides of the story in this alternate world. He’s a very faithful guy who is really into his Goddess and would do anything for his religion. It’s nice to see both sides of this story, quite frankly. You don’t get to do that very often in games, so it’s pretty refreshing.

I really enjoyed playing this game. I bought it on Saturday afternoon and finished it Sunday afternoon. I was constantly playing, except to sleep really quick and maybe eat. I don’t remember. I haven’t actually been into a game like that for a long time, so it HAD to have been good.

The graphics and the music for the game were done extremely well, too. I thought the music matched in perfectly with the rest of the game. The only thing I didn’t really like were the studid puzzles. Most of the puzzles in this game were really really easy to figure out, but some of them were just monotomous. RETARDED.

I know that wasn’t PC, but THAT’s how I feel!

Anyways, I give this game 5 out of 5 pirate hats, because it was this shizzle.

Still no video. I had to reformat my computer and there’s no video capturing software. Sucky. I’ll try for next weeks.

Post from: EveryJoe

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero V

That’s right! It’s Tuesday Treasure Trove!

Tuesday is for the letter T!

Sorry, I’m just regressing to my days of Sesame Street as a child. That’s how I learned how to read, you know.

Just kidding. I learned that on the innernets!

Anyways! On with today’s review!

Today I’m reviewing Freecell by Microsoft!

Okay! So, in Freecell, you start off with a deck of 52 cards. And then you… um.. Like… put them in order and stuff.

Actually, let’s see what Wikipedia says about it:

* Shuffle, then deal the 52 cards face up in 8 columns with each card visible but only the end card of each column fully exposed. Four columns will have 7 cards, the others only 6.
* Apart from the columns, there are four single card free ”cells” and four suit piles (”foundations”). The objective is to get all the cards into the ”foundations”.
* Single exposed cards may be moved:
** Column to column, placing the card on a card of the next rank and different color suit. (E.G. Place a red 3 on a black 4.) (Aces are low.) Or placing the card on an empty column.
** Column to FreeCell, any exposed card as long as there is an empty cell.
** FreeCell to Column, as column to column.
** Column to suit home pile. Next card in order, starting with the Ace, ending with the King. Each suit is completely independent.
** FreeCell to suit home pile. As column to suit home pile.

Wow… that was insightful!

You can also do stuff like… check your stats and see if you’ve won a lot or lost a lot. Let’s see how I’m doing:

I am a GOD of Freecell.

Okay, they’re not really my stats. I found it on GIS.

Can you tell that I didn’t get to play a game this weekend? My computer at home just got a very needed part that I installed Sunday afternoon. It’s working now, but dis es why there is no real Tuesday Treasure Trove. I’m sure you’re devistated.

I know I am.

Look everyone! I won!

I give Freecell a 5 out of 5 pirate hats (only because I don’t want my kneecaps broken by Microsoft)!

Post from: EveryJoe

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero IV

Well… It’s Tuesday. You know what that means.

TUESDAY TREASURE TROVE!

Wow… That was very anti-climatic.

I feel better though, don’t you?

Today I shall review Apprentice II: Knight’s Move by Herculean Effort. Oh, it was so very exciting, let me tell you.

The first scene in the game is soldier chasing around villagers and burning down the village. Well, it turns out that Lord Ironcrow is going to go to war and his fiefdom has a clause saying that he can only recruit the homeless into his army. So, what does he do? He burns down the village. He’s a freaking genius.

Meanwhile, Pib is at home, sleeping, because he’s a mighty mage and mighty mages need their sleep. A knock comes to the front door. Pib doesn’t wake up. Another knock from the front door. Pib still doesn’t wake up. ANOTHER KNOCK. BAM. Pib falls out of bed and this time he wakes up. He’s confused what the noise is, so he wonders downstairs and opens the door. There stands the town drunk, Navy Joe, trying to tell Pib and his Master a message about the village burning down. He gets part of his message out before he passes out.

Pib goes back to bed and when he awakens, WE GET TO CONTROL HIS DESTINY. Umm.. I mean. We get to start playing. Pib walks on outside and talks to the Master. Another cutscene begins and in enters Lord Ironcrow once again. He comes to visit Pib and his master, exclaiming that they will take Pib, because he is not a mage. The master threatens him with a fireball and Lord Ironcrow leaves.

Pib has to figure out a way to become a mage STAT. He talks to master about it and he says that he can give him three tests. If he pasts these tests and the council approves it, Pib can become a full fledge magician without having to go through the usual red tape.

The master tells Pib he has three quests for him to finish. He tells him he needs to get a mountain of silver, get rid of the rats at the bakery and to create a Golem.

So, with these mundane tasks at hand, Pib goes off to do his adventuring.

This is an adventure game after all.

Throughout the game, you run into some old friends from Apprentice one in the form of Lloyd, the snake, who is now a bird. He is also a lot less gay, for some reason. You also run into the Highwaywoman who sits around trying to get you to sign a petition for the army to allow women to battle. Pib thinks she’s crazy… and… well… she is!

Once Pib completes all of his tasks, the Master sends off the tests for review by the wizardry council. Luckily Master had just caught a pigeon the previous day, so off he sends the pigeon which later comes back with the good news. Pib is a full fledged wizard! He even gets a red shiny wizards hat!

Ohhh, but trouble of troubles… Lord Ironcrow returns with some bad news for Pib. The fiefdom of Ironcrow doesn’t recognize Magicians as a job. Not good… which gives us a lovely lead up to the next part of the series: The Apprentice III: Checkmate!

I give it 4 pirate hats, because it did have probably a good 3 hours of game play, the characters are cute and there was a touch of humor:

No video this week, because it looks like poo. I must fix it!

[pictures taken from moby games]

Post from: EveryJoe

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero III