Dear Jabandgrapple.com readers. Chances are next week’s wrestler rankings will be funnier, better written, provide smarter, crisper analysis, might include someone other than WWE wrestlers, and won’t show extreme prejudice towards Mark Henry, JBL, and Kane.

That’s right, this is Mr. Jabandgrapple’s last post. That doesn’t mean there won’t be another Mr. Jabandgrapple just like there was another Ultimate Warrior, another Kane, and another Undertaker. What’s that? There was only one Ultimate Warrior, one true Kane, and one true Undertaker.

That’s besides the point. Just goes to prove that the next Mr. Jabandgrapple will be a more learned wrestling fan. Am I off to a lucrative column at Pro Wrestling Illustrated? A WWE writing gig alongside Freddy Prinze, Jr. in Stamford, Connecticut? Sideline speech and interview writer for Eve Torres? Exclusive publicist for Shannon Briggs?

Let’s just say I’m off to parts unknown. Without further ado, here’s my last WWE wrestler rankings.

1. Undertaker (LW: 1)
Taker’s to-do list:
Sunday: Edge sent to h-e double hockey sticks. Check.
Friday: Steal Vickie Guerrero’s soul. Sorta check. He said he was going to do it. Didn’t exactly see the aura sucked out of her body. Perhaps because SmackDown was again pre-empted by exhibition football and all I got was the standard-def feed. Taker is back and he’s on fire! Although presumably not as on fire as Edge.

2. Batista (LW: 2)
The Animal still holds the 1-0 edge over his former Tag Team Champion partner but his work on RAW – hobbling to victory over Paul Birchill – certainly doesn’t carry the same weight as Cena’s effort last Monday…

3. John Cena (LW: 5)
Hustle, loyalty and respect brought a handicap match victory over the reigning tag team. It’s only right then that Cena should be named Tag Team champion all by himself. We’re still surprised that Mick Foley never teamed with one of his many personas to win a Tag title. What’s that?

(Official voice: This is a WWE ranking and Mick Foley has nothing to do with the WWE. Cease and desist in mentioning the king of the hell in the cell.)

Let’s move on.

4. Y2J (LW: 10)
Our personal savior (who no longer is in the saving business) Chris Jericho joined the growing list of WWE superstars who’ve defeated the supposed RAW title holder, CM Punk, during his ignominious reign. Shouldn’t that then make him the World Heavyweight Champion just as Cena should be the tag team champ? That would make too much sense.

What also is inexplicable? Why did the WWE replay the Y2J-punching-Shawn Michaels’-wife saga on all three shows? Doesn’t matter, I loved it all three times.

5. HHH (LW: 3)
The King of Kings was just sort of there this week only slightly assisting our next entrant in his match…

6. Jeff Hardy (LW: 6)
The now-braided rainbow-haired warrior defeated the Great Khali in the biggest mismatch between athlete and non-athlete since nearly every Olympic boxing match. Somehow in those bouts the non-athlete always won. Shows you why I love pro wrestling.

7. Kofi Kingston (LW: 7)
It is STILL so unfair that Kofi lost his Intercontinental belt without getting pinned. We say he wins it back on tonight’s RAW. Of course we said the same thing last week.

8. Edge (LW: 4)
When will he emerge from Hades? If not this Friday then I’m dropping him off this list. But you won’t be here next week. Arrggghh.

9. Shelton Benjamin (LW: NR)
Beat Finlay in a very long match on SmackDown. I keep forgetting that Finlay has a title belt, namely the U.S. Championship. Yet another reason why next weeks ratings will be smarter.

10. The Miz (LW: NR)
Because I like him. That’s why. Because I love reality TV. That’s right I said it. Because the only show on television almost as good as wrestling is the Road Rules/Real World Challenge. And The Miz was a stellar performer on that show.

Dropped Out: CM Punk, Vladimir Kozlov

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE Wrestler Rankings: 8/25/08

1. Undertaker (LW: 10)
He’s baaaaaaaaaack and he’s sending people to h-e double hockey sticks. We really didn’t realize how much we missed the Undead Superstar until his epic SummerSlam Hell in a Cell match. Amazing stuff in what might go down as an all-time great pro wrestling match.

2. Batista (LW: 1)
His match versus John Cena wasn’t the highlight of SummerSlam but hopefully we will see these two titans square off again.

3. Triple H (LW: 4)
He beat The Great Khali. Yawn. Let’s see him start feuding with Edge or Taker. The pedigreed one won’t stand a chance.

4. Edge (LW: 3)
Did Edge solidify his place in the WWE Hall of Fame with yet another ridiculously good headline match? We think so. Can’t wait to see what’s up next for the Rated R Superstar.

5. John Cena (LW: 2)
The crowd is beginning to turn against everybody’s all-American. How long before Cena turns heel? Hopefully soon.

6. Jeff Hardy (LW: 9)
Sure he lost at SummerSlam but only because of Shelton Benjamin’s interference. Hardy has been terrific as of late and the untrue rumors of his broken neck have only added to his legend.

7. Kofi Kingston (LW: 5)
So unfair that Kofi could lose his Intercontinental belt without getting pinned. We say he wins it back tonight on RAW.

8. CM Punk (LW: NR)
He won. Double yawn. A pin versus JBL means NOTHING. CM Punk still has a lot to prove in our book.

9. Vladimir Kozlov (LW: 8)
Maybe he’ll get a match in the next pay-per-view. We’re not holding our breath.

10. Y2J (LW: 7)
Overshadowed again by Shawn Michaels. Y2J’s star is falling and it’s falling fast.
Dropped Out: The Great Khali

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE Wrestler Rankings: 8/18/08

Monday night’s RAW and Tuesday’s ECW didn’t exactly bring us a lot of action while Friday night’s SmackDown was preempted in Mr. Jabandgrapple’s hometown by an Eagles vs. Steelers pre-season match-up. And while my DVR wasn’t intuitive enough to tape the delayed broadcast I was able to get a hold of the matches.

1. Batista (LW: 3)
The Animal channeled his ample anger and pinned Ted DiBiase, Jr. to become a half of an unlikely WWE Tag Team Champion pairing.

2. John Cena (LW: 2)
The other half of the new belt holders. We can’t wait for the newly allied SummerSlam matchup.

3. Edge (LW: 1)
At some point he’s going to have to wrestler, right? Still, flipping Vickie Guerrero out of her wheelchair is something we’ve wanted to see forever. And the Rated-R Superstar definitely seems to have his mojo back.

4. Triple H (LW: 4)
Good mic work and some clever insults towards the Great Khali and his manager “Funyon”. HHH had the arm wrestling match won and Khali resorted to some dastardly tactics.

5. Kofi Kingston (LW: 6)
The high flying superstar just keeps getting better. We really enjoyed his dismantling of Paul Birchill. Let’s hope that feud is over. It’s gotten way too one-sided.

6. The Great Khali (LW: 8)
As much as it pains me to move Khali to #6 he did put a hurting on HHH and that doesn’t happen often. We always feel a little bad for him after hearing the rumor that he doesn’t have much time left in the WWE because of his degenerating knees.

7. Y2J (LW: 4)
Chris Jericho gets a lot less interesting without Shawn Michaels as a foil. How could I place him above JBL who actually made the pin in the JBL-Y2J handicap match against CM Punk? Because Y2J did all the damage on Punk and because I hate JBL. Simple as that.

8. Vladimir Kozlov (LW: NR)
So it’s not just us who wants Kozlov to face better competition. Vladimir is sick of beating up jobbers too. Last week he got Jesse and Festus who are a serviceable duo. Kozlov got the job done and makes his first appearance in the JandG rankings.

9. Jeff Hardy (LW: NR)
The rainbow-haired warrior is also making his first JandG ranking appearance. And not a moment too soon. He’s been beating up on the competition only to be foiled by MVP’s interference. It’s time to hurt MVP at SummerSlam and we can’t wait for that eventuality.

10. The Undertaker (LW: NR)
Black roses, splayed out La Familia members, fear everywhere. He’s baaa-aackkkk!

Dropped Out: Mr Kennedy (get well soon!), Matt Hardy, and CM Punk

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE Wrestler Rankings: 8/11/08

Vladimir Kozlov def. Stevie Richards
The Great Khali wins a Battle Royale against Mr. Kennedy, M.V.P., Umaga, Jeff Hardy, and Big Show

Segment Four
Edge is trying to keep things going with Alicia Fox a/k/a the Wedding Planner. But Chavo Guerrero’s bodyguard Bam Neely is lurking in the corridor listening to their conversation. He’s not going to snitch on another man, is he? No self-respecting man would ever do that but Neely does. So sad.

Stevie Richards comes out to be the next Vladimir Kozlov’s latest cannon fodder. When will Kozlov fight someone good? When will he ever get a pay-per-view gig? How many times must we watch him destroy his opponent. To be fair, Richards actually looks good until Kozlov hits a head butt to the sternum and knocks out the poor Philadelphia native. WWE bookers, please give Kozlov a feud. His domination has gone on long enough.

Segment Five
The Main Event has come early. It’s a Battle Royale with the winner to face HHH at SummerSlam. The competitors: Mr. Kennedy, the Great Khali, Umaga, Jeff Hardy, M.V.P., and Big Show. Regardless of the winner we are going to see someone new against HHH at SummerSlam. That’s a very good thing.

I want to see Mr. Kennedy win but I don’t see him emerging from a Battle Royale. Mrs. Jabandgrapple is pulling for Jeff Hardy…duh. But we both find it hard to see how Big Show could lose a Battle Royale.

Hardy’s early focus is, understandably, on M.V.P. He knocks the Anti-Dog Whisperer out of the ring with a terrific clothesline. Good riddance M.V.P. Umaga tosses Hardy out but Jeff somehow is able to grab the top rope and stay inside. Umaga doesn’t notice as he moves onto Big Show. The World’s Biggest Athlete then flips the Samoan Bulldozer out of the ring. He follows it up with a successful dismissal of Mr. Kennedy. My pick is gone. So sad.

Now there are three left: Show, Khali, and Hardy. Hardy next move is a jump off the top rope onto Big Show. Show catches him and the high flying superstar looks to be in trouble. But against all odds he finds a way to flip Show out. He continues to capitalize on his momentum and hits a Swanton Bomb on Khali.

But it’s not to be. Khali flips Hardy over the top rope and SummerSlam just got a lot less interesting.

After the match HHH enters the stage and stares down his future opponent. They stare and stare and stare and stare and stare. Considering Khali can’t actually move we think that’s an apt preview for SummerSlam. Yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/25 WWE SmackDown Part Two: Big Bad Battle Royale With Bad Bad Bad Ending

HOUR ONE RESULTS
Cousin Sal def. Santino Marella
Natalya wins the 7-woman Golden Dreams Match
Vladimir Kozlov def. Jimmy Wang Yang
Batista, Nunzio, Funaki, and Colin Delaney def. Edge, Zack Ryder, Chavo Guerrero, and Curt Hawkins

MATCH #3
Cousin Sal enters the ring dressed in a kilt accompanied by Roddy Piper and Jimmy Kimmel. When Cousin Sal reveals his “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” singlet Mick Foley says this match could set SmackDown back a decade. We hate cross promotion. That said, if anyone wants me to promote anything on www.jabandgrapple.com I will shill ceaselessly.

It’s really a shame that Marella has become what Jim Cornette labeled him as: a comedy JOB. I like Santino’s act and this Cousin Sal match was an unfunny disgrace.

What is funny is the next between match segment where The Miz and Morrison are picking on Hornswaggle. Finlay gallantly intervenes while the wee leprechaun shoots the Tag Team champs with a super soaker. After the water-spraying fun we learn that Chavo Guerrero will be Edge’s best man.

MATCH #4
This bout, dubbed the Golden Dreams Match, pitts seven WWE divas in a race to grab the golden star which is perched about seven feet above a corner ring post. The winner will earn a spot in a the match for the new SmackDown Divas championship. This match is pure catfight fun but sadly lasts for a shorter span than the Divas’ entrance times. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart’s daughter Natalya grabs the star on looks to be on the fast route to women’s wrestling stardom.

MATCH #5
Continuing the night’s two-minutes-or-less match theme Vladimir Kozlov brutalizes the much smaller Jimmy Wang Yang. Please put him against somebody good. Please!

MATCH #6
Tonight’s main event is the entire La Familia versus Batista and Vickie Guerrero’s choice of partners. Those unfortunate three turn out to be the very petite triad of Nunzio, Funaki, and Colin Delaney. Together those three might weigh as much as Batista’s partner at last week’s SmackDown: Big Show. Will Batista make a tag in this match? It’s doubtful. If Batista loses this match then he won’t get a title opportunity against Edge.

But Batista does tag and we’re provided with the night’s first bit of excitement when the Animal tosses Delaney into Chavo Guerrero. Delaney is now getting bullied by La Familia. I think he might even be crying. Could Cousin Sal defeat Colin Delaney? Probably. Now it’s Funaki’s turn for a beatdown. La Familia obliges. This match is cruel. Not just to the tiny wrestlers but also to the viewer.

The camera keeps panning over to Batista and I keep wondering how his skin is so taut and are his squiggly veins actually ringworms? Funaki makes the tag and Batista is going wild. We get about 25 seconds of terrific action and hard fighting from Batista and the tiny three as they fend off the Edgeheads long enough for the Animal to Batista Bomb Zack Ryder, earn the pin, and a probable title shot.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE SmackDown 6/7 Hour Two: Batista and the Three Dwarfs

Friday Night SmackDown, May 30, 2008

Match 5
M.V.P. def. Jamie Noble
and
Match 6
Vladimir Kozlov def. Shannon Moore
It’s hard for me to get excited over either of these two matches. There was zero chance of M.V.P. losing to a man half his size. If he had then his stock would have officially dropped to zero. His boastful shtick, combined with his overwrought sensitivity and constant complaining just isn’t doing it for me. Maybe it’s time for a rebranding.

As far as Kozlov it’s about time he fought someone with a chance of beating him. Every week we get his repetitive and boring bullying act. His tosses and strength may be impressive but we want him to be tested. Maybe Kozlov and M.V.P. should fight. Sadly, odds are they’ll both get jobbers next week too.

Segment Grades: D-

If you really must watch here are the videos:

M.V.P. vs. Noble

Kozlov vs. Moore

Match 7
Michelle McCool def. Maryse
Maryse and Michelle are two beautiful blonde women but they’re not the most athletic or acrobatic of the WWE divas. Michelle takes Maryse out with a Brazilian heel hook submission hold while the jilted Cherry looks on gleefully.

Segment Grade: D

Again, if you must:

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

SmackDown 5/30 Part Five: Are These Fights Really Happening?

Deuce, Domino and Maryse def. Jesse, Festus and Cherry
Finlay def. Chuck Palumbo
Batista def. M.V.P.
Vladimir Kozlov def. Nunzio
Matt Hardy and Kofi Kingston def. Shelton Benjamin and Elijah Burke
The Undertaker def. Chavo Guerrero

Friday night’s SmackDown concluded what has been an entertaining week of wrestling matches.

The hard-fought epic M.V.P.-Batista battle which saw terrific give-and-take, lots of powerful moves, and a successful building of an interesting feud.

My favorite bout of the night was surprisingly the Finlay-Chuck Palumbo match. The two sparred for a good ten minutes providing good action and compelling drama. All of this was emphasized by the fact that Hornswaggle spent most of the match under the canvas. But when the little guy emerged the fun began. The first time he disrupted a sure Palumbo pin by splattering the journeyman with a Super Soaker.

Hornswaggle’s second appearance included an even more dastardly liquid projectile. While Finlay rolled around in pain, Hornswaggle hoped to distract Palumbo from making the pin. It worked but the evil leprechaun looked to be in serious physical danger. Chuck pulled him into the ring and looked poised to attack. Instead, Hornswaggle spat the seemingly poisonous green Irish Mist into the bigger man’s face.

Palumbo staggered blindly and Finlay connected his shillelagh incapacitated his opponent. An easy pin soon followed with Finlay carefully hiding Palumbo’s green-smeared face and body from the referee’s view.

I’ll talk more on The Undertaker-Vickie Guerrero-Edge-Chavo Guerrero incident later.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

WWE SmackDown: The Night of the Irish Mist

Post from: EveryJoe

SmackDown Results (April 11, 2008)

Post from: EveryJoe

SmackDown Results (April 4, 2008)