JBL pins CM Punk and will fight for the Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam.
Shawn Michaels might quit wrestling to be with his family.

Segment Five
After Layla inexplicably writhes around seductively for a few minutes William Regal rudely interrupts her. Before he can tell us how he’s King Jamie Noble rushes into the ring to attack him and win Layla’s love. Regal is about twice his size. What was the point of that?

Segment Six
The next match is the CM Punk – JBL - Y2J handicap match “(Mike) Adamle Original.” Shouldn’t the World Heavyweight champ be headlining Monday Night RAW? Adamle adds a nice twist to the match by limiting the match to ten minutes. If there’s no pin in ten then the three will fight a Triple Threat at SummerSlam. Anything to make JBL less boring and harder working is fine by me.

After JBL beats Punk up for two minutes Y2J tosses JBL into the stairs and has his own few minutes to thrash the champ. The match has currently gone four minutes without Punk landing one successful attacking move. Y2J hits a flying elbow. Match is half-way through. Punk still hasn’t done anything.

He finally hits two offensive moves but at that point JBL stops his short period of success. Punk has no capitalized on his opponents’ in-fighting. He’s now doing pretty well and is using the two against each other. He catches JBL with a Got To Sleep but can’t get the pin. One minute left and Y2J lands a Walls of Jericho in the middle of the ring.

JBL breaks the move up with 20 seconds left. We’re counting down 10-9-8-7-6-5-4 and JBL flops onto the prone Punk pins him 1-2-3 or is it 3-2-1. This was a great entertaining match but CM Punk has proven to be a pathetic excuse for a champ. He got beat up badly for nine of the ten minutes and was pin by someone who had no idea of where he was.

Segment Seven
It’s a Shawn Michaels interview. He says he’s got severe eye damage, broken ribs, and countless other horrifically lingering injuries. This time he’s going to listen to the doctors and quit if they say quit. We will all know his decision (or the docs’ decision) at SummerSlam. He says he loves his family and might stop wrestling to be with them. Didn’t Brett Favre say something like that a few months ago?

Post from: EveryJoe

8/4/08 RAW Part Two: Shawn Michaels = Brett Favre?

Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix def. D-Lo Brown and Kelly Kelly
Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr. def. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole
Kofi Kingston def. Jamie Noble
CM Punk def. William Regal
Mickie James def. Jillian
Batista and John Cena def. JBL and Kane

Last night RAW crowned a new General Manager. Someone to stop the anarchy and the lawlessness. The expectation was a Gary Cooper, a Governator, a John Wayne, or even (gasp) a Gipper. But we all should have seen the writing of the wall. Chaos has been good for business. RAW’s ratings are up and fans are interested again. Too bad the show’s quickly taken a post-Draft second fiddle to SmackDown.

The night started with the unbelievable promise of a John Cena vs. Batista main event. The two Grade A Superstars wanted to get it on. The were ripe — Cena in a new red V-neck Cenation T-shirt and Batista in a fresh Wes Unseld Washington Bullets throwback — and ready for action. It’s the match everyone has been waiting for and desperate to see.

But the new GM, in his infinite wisdom, thought differently and matched the boiling feuders in a tag team contest against JBL and Kane. Great match turned into boring match in the blink of the new GM’s eye. 0 for 1 already.

After the next match’s Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix steaming too-hot-for TV-PG love fest (OK maybe not) Hacksaw Jim Duggan ran to the ring to face Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr.. Barf-o-rama. Then his tag team partner was announced: Jerry “The King” Lawler. My interest perked up. As Pavement would say “Fight this generation!”

Alas, even that somewhat, kind of OK matchup wasn’t to be. The new GM stepped in and replaced Duggan with announcer Michael Cole. At this point I turned to Mrs. Jabandgrapple and said “I bet Jim Ross is the new GM. He’s the only one who has beef with Michael Cole!” But I should have thought harder. The person making these matchups clearly doesn’t have much wrestling knowledge. (BTW, I think the picture to the left tells us what happened to Carlito. He’s now in the NBA!)

The King did well against the young whippersnappers but at one point he accidentally brushed against his announcing/wrestling partner and Cole was then forced into the ring. Bad news man. Bad news. And we’re not just talking about the fact that the whole match was grappled without an announcer accompanied only by ambient sounds.

King returned to ringside after the match to find Mike Adamle at his side. The former NFL-er was even more mistake prone than usual which provoked Jim Ross himself to rejoin Lawler. The glorious two were reunited, for at least one night. Throughout the night they teased Adamle relentlessly about his wrestling knowledge. Which was fun.

The JR-Lawler re-teaming wasn’t the best part of the night. That was the unexpectedly fun and roughhouse return of William Regal who gave WWE Heavyweight Champ CM Punk everything he could handle (and a real-life bloody nose as well). Regal looked great despite eventually getting pinned in what is Punk’s first non-DQ-related TV win since gaining the title ages ago. Battered and bloody does not a champion make. But we did like the post-match Minor Threat in deference to the bout’s DC environs.

The rest of the night was pretty blah. Kofi Kington looked good and dominant (take note Punk) in a Jamie Noble beat-down. Mickie James hugged her dad at ringside and was as perky as ever in defeating Jillian and the Batista-Cena-JBL-Kane tag team was as horrible and uninteresting as imagined.

But it did lead into the most anticipated news of the night…Who is the new GM?

Mike Adamle. Which explains the bad matches and the Michael Cole vendetta. Have they finally found a way to keep him off the ECW air? Making said liability an even more prominent member of your staff doesn’t strike me as the best way to get rid of him. I’ll give it a chance but I think I liked anarchy better.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/29 WWE RAW Results: A New General Manager

Who would have thunk it? Last night’s William Regal get gone match was weaved into the storyline because the former RAW GM violated the WWE’s Substance Abuse and Drug Testing Policy for the second time thus incurring a 60-day suspension. Looks like we weren’t too far off last night with our own conclusion of Regal descending into an alcoholic misery, moving to Albany, and becoming the subject of William Kennedy’s next novel.

London’s salacious Sun newspaper reports that it is not known which drug it was that he either tested positive for or was caught with. But the tabloid does make its own conclusion:

The suspension of a top star shows how seriously the firm are taking the issue of steroid and painkiller abuse.

But really, how can we be so sure? The WWE spokespeople have averred that Regal violated their policy but it is hard to take their word with anything more than a grain of salt. They’re a publicly traded entertainment firm who needs to protect their image in the wake of Congressional steroids hearing and the Chris Benoit affair.

Let us just say Regal is injured and wants a two-month break. He has already been connected with steroids so there’s no need to protect a pristine reputation. Why not “break the substance policy” and be suspended for 60 days. Good for the WWE’s image, good for William Regal. Sounds like good business to me and a win-win situation for all.

Let me clarify. I am neither engaging in conspiracy theory nor throwing out accusations. I am also not saying the suspension is fake or that the WWE isn’t serious about steroid testing.

I am just saying that it is hard to accept anything at face value from an industry based in false storylines especially when both parties stand to gain by the result.

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

William Regal Suspended From WWE for 60 Days

Image details: Screening Of "Carandiru" At Tribeca Film Festival served by picapp.com

Monday Night Raw Match Four:

William Regal vs. Mr. Kennedy

Who is that in the picture? It’s William Kennedy. Pulitzer Prize winning author of Albany, N.Y.-based novels. His colorful characters range from the wonderfully real (gangster Legs Diamond) to the fictional but evocatively and emotionally empathetic (Francis Phelan). All of whom are much more compelling than his namesakes William Regal and Mr. Kennedy.

Nevertheless we are sure some of Kennedy’s (the author) shady players know their way around brass knuckles which is what William Regal has now outfitted himself with. He tells the referee “This is now a no disqualification match” and moves his way towards Kennedy. But the annoying one dimensional loudmouth surprises the obnoxious anglo and pins him with an awfully quick three count.

Regal is now officially gone. “The Million Dollar Man” DiBiase presumably is in. The camera lingers on our tragic fallen hero in the middle of the ring. We’re assuming that his failure is going to linger forever, he’s going to descend into an alcoholic misery, move to Albany, and become the subject of Wm. Kennedy’s next novel.

Match Rating: D

Post from: EveryJoe

May 19 Monday Night Raw Match Four: Somebody Get Gone

Image details: A Conversation with Mr. Warmth.Don Rickles served by picapp.com

Monday Night Raw: The Pit of the Piper

Before the match begins Ted “The Million Dollar Man” DiBiase interrupts Vince McMahon’s meeting with an exercising William Regal. Clearly DiBiase’s son’s recent entry into the WWE means that his dad wasn’t far behind. Now it all makes sense. Ted and Regal will be engaged in a RAW GM power play. Regal’s malevolent megalomania was getting tired anyway.

Next up is Roddy Piper’s return to Piper’s Pit. But no, it’s Santino Marella wonderfully dressed as Roddy with a big stomach and a bad hairpiece. His jokes are terrific but calling Adrian Adonis a “fat transvestite” is crossing the line.

We see the “Jimmy the Kimmel” highlights again of Santino, Roddy Piper, and Jimmy’s Cousin Sal exchanging slaps at at Hooters. Roddy appears, endowment jokes are made, cakes are thrown in faces and Cousin Sal gets a match with Santino. Which is an odd end to a funny segment. D-level celebrity vs. Pro wrestler matches never work out well. We want Roddy vs. Marella! Which we think we probably happen anyway.

Segment Grade: B before the match announcement; C+ after

Post from: EveryJoe

May 19 Monday Night Raw: The Pit of the Piper

The Main Event
Between bouts Beth Phoenix appears and complains about not having the Women’s Title. We pretend she’s not there and move on to the next interview: Randy Orton. Orton is snarling, Orton is boastful and he’s ready for John Cena. He pulls out his litany of self-promotion. “I’ve taken out the best” blah blah blah, “Age of Orton” blah blah blah “Triple H has a lucky night” blah blah blah. He ends the interview by stating tonight he’ll prove he’s the smartest wrestler in the WWE. We’re thinking a trivia contest, maybe a puzzle.

The cerebral contest doesn’t happen but Orton does have new theme music that paints him as even more brooding and more sensitive. As opposed to Cena who looks determined and ready. Orton predictably begins the match with a headlock but Cena breaks it, livens the match, and unsuccessfully goes for the early pin. Orton does some good counter-wrestling and is ready to stomp. But Cena catches the boot mid-descent(!) and flips Orton over the top rope. The crowd is going wild and we go to commercial.

During that time Orton finishes an impressive double-arm DDT through the ropes and a violent body slam. Cena looks ready to go down and Orton lines up the RKO. But Cena counters perfectly, is now on the offensive, and triumphantly drops a salute off the top rope onto Orton and the Legend Killer responds by skulking off to the outside of the ring.

Oh no.

JBL and William Regal appear. JBL is in a referee costume. I thought they guaranteed “no outside interference” but it looks like JBL, Cena’s Judgment Day opponent, is now the guest referee. It’s two against Cena’s one. He’s pinned and the beating begins but yes, yes, Triple H is coming in to settle the score. Cena and JBL pair off and their fight pours out into the audience, past a guy wearing a silver mask and a gray golf shirt.

We quickly try to forget that image and focus on the ring where Triple H and Orton are exchanging vicious blows while a steel cage descends from the ceiling with steady sureness. Sadly, we don’t get to see any bloodied steel cage action. Orton is thrown against the cage which flaps harmlessly in the wind (its bottoms haven’t be secured) and falls out of the ring. Triple H climbs to the top of the cage, imitates Superfly Snuka and jumps 25-feet into the air and onto Orton.

Actually he doesn’t. He just postures, poses, and tries to look mean. The whole thing leaves us with some seriously unfulfilled anticipation and a clear message: buy the Judgment Day PPV. Segment Grade: B

Oh, and the official line of the night by a wide margin: Logan from Portland’s inspired “(Regal’s light turning off) is bad. WCW Thunder bad.”

Part One, The Glorious Return of John Cena
Part Two, The Glorious Return of Jeff Hardy
Part Three, The Glorious Return of the Steel Cage

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

Monday Night Raw: The Glorious Return of the Steel Cage

The Build Up
72% of WWE fans believe Shawn Michaels‘ knee injury is real. We are not one of them. Neither was Y2J but he now admits that after their last Monday match he is convinced and wants to apologize. Shawn Michaels limps in, his knee looking at least 10x worse than last week and a good 50% worse than the week before. But (GASP) Michaels admits he’s not hurt. Is he faking again? Why won’t this segment end? We will no longer fake interest.Segment Grade: D

OH MY GOSH! The return of Jeff Hardy. He’s back! We’ve missed you so much we know it’s been difficult with your house fire and your suspension and oh my gosh we’ve just missed you so much it’s so so great to see you!

We digress. Hardy is full of regret and wants to say he is sorry to the WWE fans. We love you Jeff! His hair is a shockingly bright orange, his facial hair is unprecedented and he wants the intercontinental title. We are with you! William Regal isn’t. He wants no apologies and he wants punishment. Namely in the form of Umaga. Umaga saunters to the ring and Hardy drops kicks him with beautiful high flying malice.

We missed you Jeff! And so does the crowd who go into a boisterous and spontaneous “Let’s Go Hardy”. I’m cheering the whole way from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. And just when Umaga seems too powerful Hardy connects with a back flip from the top rope and drops the snarly Samoan. What a comeback! Segment Grade: A

After Jeff Hardy it’s hard to get excited about Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade’s victory over Cryme Tyme although the “Cryme Tyme for Detroit City Council” sign flashed by an audience member is Nominee #5 for line of the night. Robocop anyone? Murdoch then wants to serenade us with his rendition of The Gambler. His partner Cade wants none of it and KO’s him with the microphone. We’re confused and not that interested. Segment Grade: D

Part One, The Glorious Return of John Cena
Part Two, The Glorious Return of Jeff Hardy
Part Three, The Glorious Return of the Steel Cage

Photo Source: Newscom.com

Post from: EveryJoe

Monday Night Raw: The Glorious Return of Jeff Hardy

The Setup\\r\\nThere\\\’s some big bad out-of-control bullying going on. For the third(!) week in a row RAW General Manager William Regal is angry about being disrespected. This time, instead of turning out the lights, he\\\’s kicking out a random pair in the audience. Miraculously, he picks out Mickie James\\\’ brother and sister to toss. Evidently they\\\’ve made the trek to Detroit from Richmond, Va. Gas prices be damned.\\r\\n\\r\\nMickie James doth protest the ejection. After she balks at her own Regal-dictated dismissal he angrily tells her \\\”What part of get out of the ring don\\\’t you understand?\\\” (Nominee #1 for best line of the night) Who will help poor Mickie? Will her recently-earned title be stripped?\\r\\n\\r\\nNo sir. John Cena\\\’s unmistakable \\\”The Time is Now\\\” theme music chimes in. Chivalry is not dead. John Cena is back. Thank heavens. He speaks for all WWE fans when he tells Regal he\\\’s gone over the line. Regal reminds us that Vince McMahon supported him last week.\\r\\n\\r\\nCena quickly retorts, \\\”Vince McMahon is insane. He talks to himself. A lot\\\” (Nominee #2) and then proceeds to read some hilarious anti-Regal emails. Our favorite comes from Logan from Portland \\r\\n\\r\\n\\\”(Regal\\\’s light turning off) is bad. WCW Thunder bad.\\\” (Nominee #3)\\\” He wants a mandated arena chant \\\”Fire regal clap clap clapclapclap. Fire Regal clap clap clapclapclap.\\\” Cena\\\’s comedic timing is perfect. We have missed him a great deal. He\\\’ll face Randy Orton tonight in the main event. Regal guarantees no interference. We can\\\’t wait. A+ intro\\r\\n\\r\\nEarly Fireworks\\r\\nBefore we can catch our commercial breath the broadcast jumps straight into a tag team title match between the team of Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes facing Santino Marella and Carlito. Rowdy Roddy Piper is sitting at ringside ready to stir up his growing beef with Marella. Marella mouths off to Piper regularly enough to drop the match for his team. Lose the dead weight Santino and fight the Rodster. Everyone loves personality. Segment Grade: C+\\r\\n\\r\\nMr. Kennedy is grappling next. He repeats his name about thirty times. He\\\’s fighting Snitsky, who is like Kane only without the effusive personality and paler. We wish he were facing the guy in the front row dressed like Hulk Hogan. Kennedy wins proving that brown teeth and lily white skin do not equate to a promising pro wrestling career. Segment Grade: D\\r\\n\\r\\nWe were right. The Santino-Roddy brawl is a-brewing and Santino is ready. \\\”Roddy the piper. this is not the 80\\\’s. Michael J. Fox is not going back in time to become a werewolf. (Nominee #4) Rodney the piper I\\\’m a coming after you.\\\” Also brewing, a Mickie James – John Cena romance. Cena\\\’s going out for drinks with her after the match but as he explains \\\”you go out with me, sometimes it\\\’s a wild night.\\\” We can imagine. Segments Grade: B\\r\\n\\r\\n Part One, The Glorious Return of John Cena\\r\\nPart Two, The Glorious Return of Jeff Hardy\\r\\nPart Three, The Glorious Return of the Steel Cage\\r\\n\\r\\nPhoto Source: Newscom.com\\r\\n\\r\\n

Post from: EveryJoe

Monday Night Raw: The Glorious Return of John Cena

Regal comes out and turns the lights off again to a chorus of “Regal sucks” chants. He promises to do the entire show in “internal” darkness, which might not be eternal but makes sense somehow. Mr. Kennedy shows up with a silly amount of facial stubble. Regal reminds everyone that “I will not be disrespected!” and orders Kennedy to fight entire ECW in the main event. We hope he bloodies Kennedy’s lip again. He doesn’t, instead choosing to tell us again that “I will not be disrespected.”

Triple H appears presumably to do some disrespecting. But no, he’s still angry for being disrespected. Very angry. He thinks Regal has “declared war on him” by pulling the plug last week. Regal, of course, informs Triple H that he’s joining Mr. Kennedy in the fight-the-whole ECW match. Sounds a little gimmicky and anticlimactic to us.

The Prelims:
The WWE women’s championship is on the line in a lumberjack match, giving the lovely divas another chance to appear en masse. The ersatz spotted owl exterminators do a healthy amount of outside-the-ring scrapping and camera posing. We love it! When the action focus inside the ring on the Beth Phoenix – Mickie James match we are bored. Mickie James wins with a successful inside cradle.

Paul Burchill and his “sister” Katie Lea are set to face some anonymous Canadian. Regal returns Mike Adamle to the announcer’s booth and Jim Ross is grumpily forced to the sidelines. Luckily the match is over quickly and we don’t have to listen to Adamle for much longer. Did you know Adamle played in the NFL for six years? Hard to believe.

The Build-Up:
Shawn Michaels is forced to team with his half-hearted rival Chris Jericho against WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz and John Morrison. If Regal were to turn the lights off during this match the collective glitter on the four competitors’ pants would sufficiently illuminate the Air Canada Centre. Michaels chooses not to tag during the entire match because of bum knee but it’s his well-timed sweet chin music that send Morrison to the canvas for good. Michaels drags his knee back to the locker room. It’s a wonder he can even walk.

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton. Wrestler vs. rassler, exciting vs. boring, jumper vs. stomper, ECW vs. WWE, pale skin vs. baby-oiled tan body, career riser vs. nepotist. It’s a welcome budding rivalry but not that exciting a match. Regal agrees, enters and turns the lights off. Match over.

Highlight of the broadcast so far: a terrific Carlito’s Cantina with Rowdy Roddy Piper and Santino Marella. They trade insults the best being Roddy telling Santino to “get a designated driver.” The segment ends with Cryme Tyme and Cody Rhodes doing a pro-Piper hip hop chant while Roddy does a joyous Irish jig. Hilarious stuff.

Before JBL beats D.H. Smith to a pulp he shows us the inside of his limo, flashes his crotch for a painful 20 seconds or so, calls Canada a toilet bowl, and steps over the line with some repulsive Hart Foundation insults. We didn’t think it was possible but we hate him even more.

The Main Event:
Thirteen (or is it fourteen) ECW competitors proves too much as Chavo Guerrero pins Mr. Kennedy after a Kane chokeslam. Then the fun starts. Triple H starts attacking everyone, the ECW teammates attack each other and then Triple H. A steel chair is brought in, somehow Triple H gets it and starts going wild and then, and then my DVR cuts off because we’ve reached the alotted 9:00 – 11:05 broadcast. ARRRGGGGGHHHH. The show really does go on this time; it’s not a repeat of last week.

Luckily I also watched live and at the DVR-cutoff moment William Regal (presumably) cuts the lights. Again. It’s pitch black in the Air Canada Centre. Chaos, madness, mystery. The lights return and it’s just Triple H and RANDY ORTON! in the ring. Jim Ross asks “Where did Orton come from?” We wonder “where did the entire ECW go?” Orton swiftly RKO’s Triple H and stands over his prone adversary with unconvincing menace. Ross calls him “evil”. Great, great ending.

Post from: EveryJoe

Monday Night Raw: “Before We Turn Off the Lights” Edition

Cowboy Bob’s son cited burnout as the reason for his request. Orton’s absence should not affect his cable TV and pay-per-view appearances. We’ll still be able to see him every week.

Nevertheless it surely means that the third-generation wrestler will not be re-claiming the WWE title anytime soon. I’m in the distinct minority but I really enjoy Orton’s character and heel persona and wish he hadn’t lost the championship belt. I was pulling for him last Monday to regain the title from Triple H and, for a second, believed during their epic, never-ending battle that it was going to happen. Alas, it was not to be. Damn you William Regal! Damn you! Imagine me angrily shaking my fist. Because I am!

In case you might last Monday Night’s RAW here’s the last ten minutes or so of the Orton-Triple H battle including the now infamous ending:

Post from: EveryJoe

Randy Orton Asks for a Few Weeks Off