M.V.P. holds a V.I.P. Lounge with Jeff Hardy.
Shelton Benjamin def. Jimmy Wang Yang
Jesse and Festus def. Ryder and Hawkins

Segment One
M.V.P. is tired. His V.I.P. Lounge is even tired-er. His guest, on the other hand, is the best-est of the best: Jeff Hardy! The Ultimate Thrill Seeker seems to be taking some chances with his hair color which has shifted to a grandmother-worthy blue. M.V.P. announces the night’s Main Event: a huge Battle Royale with seemingly every SmackDown superstar.

Jeff Hardy wonders how M.V.P. can be so confident despite the fact that he’s become a jobber. M.V.P. then insults Jeff Hardy’s house fire which REALLY REALLY crosses the line. If he mentions Jeff’s late dog then I am going to hunt M.V.P. down. Oh, no he didn’t! He did mention Jeff’s dog Jack. I am stopping this live blog now and going to the Harrisburg train station to get a ticket to Philadelphia’s Wachovia Center.

What’s that Mrs. Jabandgrapple? “They filmed this show on Tuesday, M.V.P. is long gone.” I retort, “But we have tickets to this Tuesday’s ECW/Smackdown taping in Hershey. I’ll get him then!” She counters, “Sure you will honey, sure you will.”

Hardy beats me to the punch and hits M.V.P. himself. This segment was far too personal and ire-inducing for my taste. MY BLOOD IS BOILING! ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH.

Then a Gossip Girl preview comes on and my anger dies down. I love that show. My accompanying picture? It’s Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively and a dog, in loving memory of Jeff Hardy’s Jack.

Segment Two
When Mr. Jabandgrapple’s personal favorite Shelton Benjamin earned the U.S. Champion belt he wasn’t interested in him fighting people like Jimmy Yang Wang, the redneck Asian. Benjamin pins Wang Yang before I can life my head from my computer.

After the match Edge attempts to congratulate Hawkins and Ryder on their Tag Team Title but the Edgeheads ignore and ostracize their former idol. It’s all too sad for words. What did Edge do to deserve this? Mrs. Jabandgrapple offers, “Well, he cheated on his bride with the wedding planner and then violently Speared her on their wedding night. And not in a good way.”

Oh. I stand corrected.

Segment Three
New Tag Team Champs Ryder and Hawkins prove that unless you’re wrestling singles in the WWE than your title means nothing. This ain’t TNA Impact! thank heavens. The Edgeheads are facing Jesse and Festus or rather one insane and powerful wrestler and his diminutive handler. We really miss you Road Warriors and Wild Samoans.

Festus easily pins Zach Ryder but doesn’t gain the belt because it’s not a title matchup. The bell rings, Mick Foley makes an Anita Ward reference (great great song; the youngsters might know it as a Fresh Prince sample), and Ryder and Hawkins predictably beat up on the poor simpleton Festus.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/25 WWE SmackDown Part One: Ring My Bell Blake Lively

Jesse and Festus def. Zach Ryder and Curt Hawkins
Vladimir Kozlov def. Stevie Richards
La Familia argues
Edge and Big Show match ended prematurely

Image details: Gay Marriages Begin In Bay Area served by picapp.com

Segment Nine:
Who is more dastardly then Ryder and Hawkins? No one. They do Vickie Guerrero’s evil bidding, they’re extremely cowardly, and in this match they get themselves counted out on purpose. Why would they do that? So they end-of-the-match bell rings and Festus returns to his catatonic state. How craven? How horrible? How mean?

Their stupid tactic backfires when Jesse re-rings the bell and Festus goes crazy again. Jesse and Festus’ Of Mice and Men redux is already tired in my book. And I can’t get their Biscuits and Gravy theme song out of my mind. ARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Segment Ten:
Is Stevie Richards a step-up in competition for Vladimir Kozlov? I guess. Kozlov puts Richards in a body scissors and the Russian appears to be twice as big as his Philadelphia opponent. Stevie attempts a few falls (which fail) before Kozlov puts him down with a headbutt.

Segment Eleven:
Trouble in paradise. Thankfully the boring wrestling ends and we’re back to the soap opera plot. Did I just say that? Anyway, Ryder, Hawkins, Chavo Guerrero, Edge, and Bam Neely are together and arguing.

Edge says Chavo was throwing him under the bus when talking to Vickie (TRUE). Hawkins tells Chavo he doesn’t contribute (FALSE). Edge wants ringside support from his boys. They’re not really having it. Some friends! Vickie wheels herself in and threatens axeing if A) anyone joins Edge at ringside or B) if Edge doesn’t fight Big Show.

Remind me never to get into a relationship with Vickie Guerrero. She tells Edge to take his beating like a man if, in fact, he is a man. Whoa!

Segment Twelve:
Big Show comes into the ring and we’ve got twenty minutes for a non-DQ match. Yes! Big Show introduces himself to Edge with a big slap to Edge’s chest and then proceeds to beat him senselessly outside the ring. Edge spears Big Show and they’re both down outside the ring. Vickie is sitting in the introduction area peering in with soulless conniving before wheeling down to the ringside area. Does this mean that she will fire herself?

While we were gone at commercial a kendo stick has appeared. Edge uses it on Big Show but it doesn’t work. Big Show dismantles the stairs, does some slapping and tosses Edge into the ringside crowd. Edge counters with a flying leap which fells the giant.

SYMBOLISM ALERT. Edge grabs the kendo stick and the camera angle shows the six-foot stick protruding from his midsection. The formerly-emasculated male figure now has power.

The action move back into the ring where Edge hops on Big Show’s back putting him into a sleeper hold. But the sleep doesn’t set in. Big Show does some slapping and headbutting but Edge counters Big Show’s chokeslam with a partially-realized DDT. Edge gains advantage with a kick to the crotch and a steel chair to the head. It looks like more chair damage but Big Show magically revives and chokeslams the Rated R Superstar.

It’s close to over now. A prone Edge is nearing a painful steel chair-induced hurting.

But but but but wait! Vickie Guerrero stops the match and hugs her former fiance. She feels pity for the poor guy as she strokes her hand through his luscious long blond hair. The crowd is raining vitriol on the star-crossed couple.

Vickie and Edge are now staring lovingly into each others eyes. Vickie tells him she loves him and that she’s sorry. Edge loves her too and wants her to marry him. She joyfully accepts and they exchange a gooey, rabid kiss. All this is done silenty and without microphone amplification. The only noise is the cascade of crowd dissatisfaction. We assume that the wedding is on for next week.

Post from: EveryJoe

7/11 WWE SmackDown Part Three: The Wedding Is Back On