How Santa Really Delivers His Presents in One Night

An article on Newswise is wrong. Instead of relying on high-science to get things done on Christmas night, Santa Claus probably relies on high-tech.

It’s obviously more affordable to design, test, and manufacture a series of automated delivery robots than to rely on unproven science such as relatively and artificially-generated wormholes. Why rely on more complicated sciences such as nanotechnology, and genetic engineering, when relatively simple technologies like automation will do?

The delivery robots probably feature straightforward technology, a design honed by the realization that if you’re never seen, you don’t need to look like Santa Claus anyway. Why go all the way down the ceiling, when a retractable crane can simply extend downwards, and out of the chimney, placing items in the correct stockings thanks to OCR tech.

And what about places with no chimneys? (Let’s not rely solely on the Western stereotype, shall we?) Santa’s robots do a great job with magnets to manipulate locks without physical contact, opening windows and doors when necessary, and restoring them to their locked states after the deed is done. Thieves all over would love to own Santa’s equipment, but these baby’s are designed to dissolve themselves when cornered, and to use non-lethal force to get away.

Yes, Santa does eavesdrop on children to find out if they’re good or bad, and what they want for Christmas. But instead of depending on an unreliable “listening antenna that combines technologies currently used in cell phones and EKGs”, Santa most likely uses the much more dependable on-site listening devices. Children, more often than not, play with the toys they received last year—a perfect place to hide a bug.

In fact, I bet that Santa doesn’t even rely on elves anymore. Imagine how much their salaries would cost! With such a deficit-spending-driven model, St. Nick has to save money wherever he can. Automated robots not only take care of deliveries, but maintenance, inventory management, and procurement as well.

By now you’re probably wondering, doesn’t that mean that Santa no longer has fun? On the contrary. Since the world is a big place, Santa can simply plan out his own leisurely route, dropping by his favorite houses, discovering new ones, and let his automated setup take care of those not fortunate enough to enjoy his personal touch. The world is getting bigger by the minute, and it would make sense for Santa to rely on gadgets to get things done—and sometimes the best solutions are the most simple.