Hillary: A Rant for the Rest of Us

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Thu, Apr 16 - 9:00 am EST | 4 years ago by
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The Morse Code - Hillary Clinton

The following is a rant I needed to get off our chests about Cersei Lannist-I mean, Hillary Clinton.

Hillary announced her candidacy for a Presidential run in 2016 on Sunday, and her campaign took off with all the majesty and wonder of a North Korean rocket. The much anticipated announcement over social media was anticipated in vain, as Hillary instead made her scheduled announcement to donors via private emails, instead of the people who would be voting for her. Great start!

You can probably tell from the opening that I don’t like Hillary Clinton, and it doesn’t have anything to do with the letter in front of her name. Ds and Rs don’t, especially lately, guarantee my affection. No, the reason I don’t like Hillary is because she meets every stereotype given to the modern day politician. She’s slimy, she’s corrupted, and what’s more, she gets away with it due to a habitually defensive media and a public driven by identity politics. The moment she announced her candidacy, I went from being a racist to a sexist according to the operating laws of a leftist universe, and any arguments calling attention to her fitting that above stereotype was thrown out…or so they would hope.

Thing is, I don’t see any label thrown at me, or any label thrown at people who think like me, helping Hillary attain the Iron Throne. Napoleon once said that you should never interrupt your enemy while they’re making a mistake, and Hillary has a habit of making mistakes all the time. Chances are we could just sit back and let Hillary beat Hillary, but right-leaning America also learned that kind of gamble rarely pays out. This is, after all, a Clinton we’re talking about, and they’re no stranger to snatching victory from the jaws of self-defeat.

One Stain Too Many

Make no mistake, Hillary is definitely within those jaws as we speak. Unlike most politicians, who begin their life of crime once in office, Hillary began hers well before. In fact the amount of information I had to do when researching for this column felt more like Scrooge McDuck diving into his vault, only in this case instead of gold you have…another substance. I would need to write a book with chapters, footnotes, timelines, and indexes. That’s how bad it is. Judging by her scandalous background, I wouldn’t hire her to be a WalMart greeter, but judging by her professional background that’s about all she’s qualified for.

Sure she’s a lawyer, was First Lady, and was Secretary of State, but apparently she was so bad at all of these that each are boiled down to some disastrous occurrence.

Her own boss during the Watergate scandal called her a “liar” and an “unethical lawyer.” She and her husband were the only party that didn’t wind up in jail during the Whitewater scandal while they were in the White House. And most recently she was forced to resign as Secretary of State after four Americans needlessly died in Benghazi.

And those are just three highlights.

McMedia With Cheese

I’m not sure where the media stands sometimes on Mrs. Clinton. Sometimes I think they’re not so in her corner, and sometimes I think they have a poster of her up on the wall with hearts drawn around it.

Take SNL for instance. Their Hillary videos have been some of the funniest I’ve seen in a while, and will sidle up nicely right next to Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin. While SNL lampoons politicians all the time, their treatment of Hillary was a lot punchier than a Democrat is used to getting on that show. She doesn’t seem to have the amount of media protection that Obama enjoyed. Even back in 2008 this seemed to be the case, as the media readily chose Obama over Clinton. It could very well be that the media isn’t as gung-ho about running D for the Clintons as they used to be.

But it’s the same media that is willing to make her conversing with a 19-year-old at a gas station or buying a burrito from Chipotle national newsworthy events. Hillary’s arrival on the campaign trail has turned every major news outlet into Buzzfeed. Reporters literally herd themselves like chickens to catch a glimpse of Hillary’s “Scooby van.”

I feel like the media is torn, at least for now. In one case it wants to make sure Obama is still recognized as the top dog, and Hillary doesn’t quite equal up to his level. It could also be that the Clintons are a worn out tale from the days of yore they doesn’t elicit the zeal it used to. It could be neither, or it could be both. I don’t know, but I do know I’m already annoyed. To the media, Hillary seems equal parts young Bieber, and equal parts recent Bieber, but either way they’ve gone tabloid. It’s all the fact they can get right now. But I don’t care if Hilldawg wanted extra guac on her burrito, what are her policy positions? Why is she running?

A Little Less Loch Ness, Please

They can’t say, because they don’t know. Actually no one knows. The media is all Hans Schultz. Hillary jumped into the presidential race with zero concrete positions on anything. Even the above media is forced to acknowledge this fact. Her policy positions are so vague there are blurry pictures of them roaming forested hillsides. This doesn’t speak well for her because it’s not indicative of good leadership, it’s the warning signs of a power hungry individual who wants to be in charge just to be in charge.

This, “make me a leader and then I’ll figure out what to do when I get there” mentality won’t cut it. Attaining power should be the first step, not the final goal, and everything in Hillary’s past suggests that power is priority one. Furthermore, leadership is about having a vision you achieve through service to others. Are we supposed to believe the woman who hid thousands of emails from the people is ready to serve fairly and transparently? If the answer is yes, then I’m that Nigerian Prince from all the emails you’ve heard about.

Furthermore, no one can nail down Hillary on any policy because she shifts with the political winds. Hillary was against gay marriage until it became too politically shaky. Hell, Dick Cheney approved of it way before Hillary had to.

She was all about internet freedom, until that freedom was threatening to her. She holds the first amendment dear, until that amendment was used against her and now she wants to change it. She’s pro-Israel, but not enough to risk disapproval in the party.

For all her vagueness on the issues, there is one pattern, and that pattern is Hillary herself changing to blend in with her politically expedient surroundings.

Still, she’s going to get massive support because A: she’s a Clinton, B: she’s a democrat, and C: (and this is my personal favorite) because she’s a woman.

We’re All Sexists Now

As I mentioned earlier, the further we drift into 2016, the more misogynist we will become. The trend of identity politics in the White House that started with Obama will transform from racism to sexism, and I won’t be able to breath out my left nostril without being accused of only being this critical because she has two X chromosomes.

Call me a sexist all you want, but I’d like to remind those that are voting for Hillary because “it’s time we had a woman in the White House” aren’t voting for Hillary, they’re voting for a vagina. With no clear policies, a host of scandals, and zero accomplishments to her name save getting a job that acronyms in a foreboding way to SOS, what about Hillary Clinton besides her fallopian tube do they find politically appealing?

I’m going to say something that’ll probably land me in some hot water, but if the American people and mainstream-turned-tabloid-press want a woman in the White House just to see a woman in the White House, then I don’t think we’re ready for a woman in the White House. It just invites too much trouble when a political figure can dodge any criticism because she can produce eggs.

No, I don’t want to see a woman in the White House. I want to see a smart, qualified, and most of all, legitimately good person in there. If that person just so happens to be a woman then great! I don’t care, but great! Hillary doesn’t meet any of the above qualifications, because none of those qualifications come stock with ovaries.

What I just said shouldn’t be considered all that controversial, but in an age when Beta McStarbucks sees the patriarchy hiding in every shadow, what I just said will be considered proof positive that Hillary is a victim of an inherent misogynistic system that can only meet its end if she is put into power, and I must be socially snuked in the process. All hateful opposition must be shut down in a flurry of baseless accusations and character assassinations. Only then can she end sexism just like Obama ended racism!

Oh yeah, and she’s a grandma. How could I attack grandma!?

End Rant

As you can see, Hillary’s campaign is currently holding open a jaw filled with razor sharp teeth, ready to chomp down on her at any moment…and I’m still worried.

I’m worried because this is where the Clintons call home. They’re comfortable there. They know what they need to say and do to make the best of it. Hillary may have had a long nasty history, but it’s very likely taught her new tricks, and she will continue to be a very real, and very present danger throughout the 2016 campaign…

…at least until Elizabeth Warren announces.

Hailing from Austin, Texas, Brandon Morse has been writing about politics and culture across many websites for the last six years, with a heavy emphasis on anti-authoritarianism. Aside from writing articles, he is also known for voice acting and authoring scripts. He is an avid gamer, dog person, and has a bad habit of making vague references to things no one has heard about or seen. Follow him at @TheBrandonMorse on Twitter.

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